I am fearful of digging deep inside of me because I am sure I am a monster deep inside of there with so many problems I may never even touch the surface of fixing them.
I am coming to a realization the more reading I do the more I understand why H chose the path he is on. I am a horrible partner with a ton of problems!
I have been trying not to comment as you have been getting great advice and support from the best of the best, Lady V, Sotto and Zues, are wise, insightful and have your best interest at heart. However I feel like I have some insight and support to offer too.
I will be quite blunt (and those that are easily offended turn away now) that up there ^^^^^^ is nothing but a big pile of steaming BS!!! It is s**t thinking like that, that ^^^^ is keeping you in this hell hole you are in. And I call it a hell hole because I pitched a camp and set up home there for many years.
If you are a "monster" and "horrible partner". Then so am I. You need to point and wave you stick and beat me up too, if you are going to believe what you wrote up there. Believing that ^^^^ is keeping you stuck! Keeping you in this place that you say you want out of.
I have made every single mistake you have described since you started posting on this forum, and like you I spent years making them.
Let me assure you I am no "monster" and I am not a "horrible partner". I WAS and in some ways still am a person who was damaged by a childhood of trauma and emotional invalidation by an emotionally abusive, addicted father . I WAS a person who begged, pleaded, abused, manipulated and controlled my partner to get my emotional needs met the only way I knew how. I was broken in some pretty important places, and I attracted men who were broken in similar places and we fit together like a hand and glove. Meeting each other's toxic ways of loving.
Sweet 4mykids, the sooner you realise that your ex cannot "fix" you, love you, as he is so broken himself. The sooner you will be on a path to healing and closer to a loving relationship the meets your needs.
You and I are no different, the only difference between us is the time and commitment I have taken to heal myself. I have done as Sotto suggests by "dig deep". Because this person this "monster" you think you are, is in fact so far from who really are. But it requires you to start asking yourself the right questions to get the change you are looking for.
When you start asking the right questions and truly start answering them, not reciting responses or taking actions of what you think you "should do". Your life will move. This man (the one who cheats, the one who also manipulates and control) this man you want will start to become less and less attractive, you will start not to fit. Because you will be the very best version of yourself. And the very best version of you expects that the man who loves her is the very best version of himself.
You are feeling stuck because you havent truly invested 4 mykids, in YOU. You havent quite worked out that actually you don't need or want anything from your partner. Nothing he does or doesn't do right now matters. He isn't the issue, he is merely a symptom. He is the mirror of what you truly believe about yourself.
4mykids, he leaves you feeling disrespected, contact with him has you calling yourself a monster, and horrible partner. Replace the him with "I". " I leave myself feeling disrespected", " I am a monster to myself", "I am a horrible partner to myself".
Lady V said some posts back that she thought some of the cycling behaviours/interactions were related to fear of abandonment. She is so close to the truth. While our fear is the of abandonment of us by our partners. This abandonment is only a mirror of the abandonment that we have already made of ourselves. We have left ourselves alone in the midst of this chaos.
I really want to say something that will make you slow down and focus only on you and your kids. I said in some of my first posts, your partner is a your drug of choice. Please please stop engaging with him. Stop talking to him, Stop asking him for anything. You cannot possibly make good decisions for yourself while you are still using your drug- HIM. You need to go dark.
Being dark is the co-dependents, love addicts best friend. It allows us to start to detox from the high our partners bring to us.
My other piece of advice is do the opposite of what you feel is right and natural when he is around. If you feel like you want to talk about an issue, walk away and leave it alone. If you want his help with the kids, find an alternative. Start acting as if, he has moved out of the house and is the most unreliable person in the world to co-parent with.
I so wish you were having an easier time with all this, but the first steps on this journey back to yourself are the hardest. The change of mindset from him to you is the first challenge.
We are all here 4mykids to walk this journey alongside you, but you have to do the heavy lifting.
