BT, I had to go back and reread your all tour threads (one of the reasons I don't post That much is my reluctance to give bad advice because I haven't kept up on everyone else's stuff - especially with all the username changes I wanted to be sure I remember things correctly)
So couple of things:
You are doing a really good job as of late identifying 'your side',of things. I am super stoked that you have the willingness to look at yourself. You have been through a lot, no question about that. But it is not all on you. I am glad you understand that and are still working in your side.
You have started reading Co-d NM! Great. You have seen that we have been trying to control our spouses in SO many ways and for so long. The road to breaking the CoD, the control and the reliance is the same as DB strategy. Detach, gal and work on your happiness!!!! It is a we fully encouraging that you are recognizing this.
I can't wait to read about how you plan on starting a love affair with yourself, showing how you plan on really focusing all of your energy on you instead of the roller coaster ride with your marriage and the husband & whatever he is doing.
As for your goals. You set a few goals at the start of your summer and it looks like you have done well with those, maybe time to relook at those and see if there is anything you can ratchet up on or some new BT goals you can set.
Need to vent. I am trying so hard to do DB and detach, but I and starting to lose patience. Realizing how peaceful it was around here for the last 6 weeks. H is back for a couple of days and the peace is already gone and I got a little upset tonight. He comes home at 11:30pm and is loud and wakes me up. I have a 5:30am wake up for bootcamp and have already missed classes in the past for the same scenario. It is like I am living with a teenager. I just went into his room and said something to the affect that it is really difficult with him coming home late, making so much noise and walking me up. I then walked out and went to my room. I definitely had some attitude about it, so probably not what I should have done, but I am frustrated.
Any suggestions for setting boundaries around this? I have a hard time balancing boundaries and being too controlling. There is just so much disrespect towards me and I am not sure how to gain it back. Don't want to be a doormat. We were both always in bed by 10pm until BD. He just turned our entire world upside down in so many ways.
I know I am DBing for me, but starting to care not so much about DBing for my M. I just don't understand the man anymore. I know he is probably not doing it on purpose. He is just not thinking about anyone but himself. He did say sorry. I am just not good at this.
Vent over.
Last edited by BT13; 08/10/1506:37 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Having a great work trip to the company headquarters and hanging out with my amazing coworkers. I received so many compliments from everyone on how great I am looking. The few people who know what is going on said that they would never know it based on how happy and energetic I seem. Have to admit that I have not felt this carefree, positive, and confident in a LONG time. I feel that spark is coming back to my personality and I like it.
Indulged a bit this week with some great meals and quite a few cocktails, but so worth it. I was good and made up for it by hitting the hotel gym three mornings so far and will go tomorrow before I fly home. I have a running race on Saturday, which I am really looking forward to. Will probably just decompress on Sunday and rest up.
Feel like I am really ready to start being back up to 100% with work. Things are definitely looking up and feel I might be turning a corner in this long DB journey.
Last edited by BT13; 08/14/1504:41 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BT13, I am sorry for this news you have. I feel your pain. I am not a vet and I have my own ideas about dealing with different situations. All I can do is share what I would do. If it was me, I would want him out of my house. Whether it is putting his things in the garage or whatever. I am not familiar with your sitch and I will have to read up on it. But I think it is time for some boundaries and also time to stand up for yourself.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I agree with Hor in that somehow you need to enforce the boundary that you laid out clearly. Having wimpy boundaries is worse than having no boundaries.
I'm so sorry. But I''m glad you're finding out at a time where you have achieved relative calm. You're so much better equipped to handle it at this point.
You have many ways to go here... I know that I could get OW in trouble with her job - she has used her government e-mail account to perpetuate an affair - but I have left it alone, because I believe she's out of the picture at this time. H has done things in connection with work travel that makes him very vulnerable, but I don't want to cut off the branch I'm sitting on (if he leaves me or I divorce him for an A, I'm entitled to spousal support).
What kind of proof do you have? Is your H prone to denying? Do you and H work for the same company?
If I were you, I would consult with a L at this point. You need to know your rights and obligations. I wouldn't move his stuff until after that.
You could of course pack his clothes and personal effects in a suitcase and take it over to OW's office, plop it down on her desk and walk back out... Daylight tends to take a lot of fun out of an A. That would be tempting for me... but I have a twisted sense of humor.
If you decide to kick H out and separate finances (the two things I would prioritize at this point), I would do it with less anger and more sadness. I don't mean the crying kind, but I would show H calmly that you feel sad that he has made these choices and forced you to protect yourself.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
You're so much better equipped to handle it at this point.
This is exactly what doing the work here does for us. In my opinion. I never had actual proof of WW affair until my kids went out to be with mom. Even then she tried the "he is just a friend and I thought S7 and his daughter could play together". I actually laughed on the phone when she said that. My response was very calmly"There is no reason to lie to me anymore. I am not dumb. He is welcome to have you. I wish you both luck, but our kids should not be exposed to him and also your lies".
Bt, by doing the work here, you are in a much better frame of mind to handle this. I would have exposed the affair back before I came here and you would have also. When we are hurt like that we act out in anger. I still struggle with this some, but I am getting better. We have to trust the process. Talking to a lawyer would be a good step. Telling him that " I will not be lied to and disrespected anymore. If you want to be with this woman, please pack your things and move out. I don't have time for liers and cheaters in my life."
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thank you all for the support. You are right, this is exactly the point of doing the DB work. I also think that by gaining my confidence and myself back that is another I can't just ignore it any longer. It just does not feel right. Plus, by knowing who it is I feel I have the most leverage while they are both in A and working together.
Painter, all I will say is that I have 100% proof of who it is. No we do not work together. They both work for a branch of government and he is above her. I don't think I have to worry about him losing job, because I can financially survive fine on my own. Though, then he might be able to get spousal support, which is (censored). That being said, I don't think I am going to let his employer know, but depending on what happens that could change in the future. According to my source, multiple people know. I also believe there was a OW#2, but this one has taken off. I am not going to give up my source, but I can say a few things that will confirm that I do know.
I already previously spoke with a lawyer, so not sure I need to again. Do most people split finances via a lawyer or can it be down on own? I already opened up my own savings account and checking account.
Feeling strong right now.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Ok, all of H's things from spare bedroom are bagged up and in garage. Sent H calm text letting him know that I know who it. Said I was sad that he felt this was the path to take. That he was willing to risk everything for an A that will never last because it is built on lies and deceit. That our M had much better chance to make it with some work.
Restated that I was not willing to live in an open M, so he needed to live elsewhere, and we both have much to think about. Said that if OW is worth risking everything for then maybe he should go be with her. I said his clothes was waiting for him in garage.
Still feeling strong and calm.
Last edited by BT13; 08/15/1509:27 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
But I''m glad you're finding out at a time where you have achieved relative calm. You're so much better equipped to handle it at this point. 