Hanging in there

[asitis]

The lack of reciprocation in interest is part of a pattern here. This is his problem, not your problem. You seem to have a fairly well-developed sense of social attunement, and would never think to make such a narcissistic and arrogant request. There is a deep insecurity that he is masking from the way you describe it.

There is no "most couples." A lot of couples in an older generation (older than us) had an arrangement where the worlds of the spouses was almost wholely separate: almost no mutual interests. There were layers of mutual co-dependence & obligation that maintained the often dry relationship (although I've known some loving couples who had this arrangement). From about our generations down, there is an expectation that there will be something more mutual in most couple's relationship. Mutual interests, especially. There will also be separate interests, but something is usually shared that the couple bond over. It might be interests in an activity or a viewpoint/worldview, for instance. Not all couples do, and not all couples sustain that mutual interest.

So, what do you two have in common that you take an interest in. Your S (when your H pulls his head out of his a** to restore an interest there). But what else? It can't be something like his work unless you truly share his work.

What else I see is that he has a real need for you to appreciate, respect, and even look up to him. Part of this is almost certainly a deeper insecurity masked in gradiosity, but part of it (again I suspect) has to do w/ his love language. He likes to be appreciated and respected. When he doesn't get this he feels unloved & he likely engages in reactive habits to protect himself from the pain of that insecurity. This is likely a big part of his complaints about how you treat him.

So, what can you do? First, start looking at what drew him to you in the first place. I bet you admired him in some way that came through? I bet you asked him his opinion on a wide range of things?

I'd bet dollars to donuts that if you start bringing some of that to your everyday interaction it would help. If you say, we need to do X? Instead say, this seems to be a problem, what do you think we should do? That kind of thing. You are showing him that you will take his ideas seriously out of respect. If you already do this, then we'll have to explore some other avenues.