Few Questions From. Newbie

[Azzork]

To the member who asked about her requesting a separation, but we are still living together. I think the kids are holding her back right now. School starts in a week. I think the timing is not good for a separation. When her sister was talking to me three weeks ago, she told me that my wife broke down ancld cried to her about my S:8. She had a breakdown when she thought of telling him we are separating. Her sister told me she was hysterically crying and had only seen her do that once before in her life - when their dad died 9 years ago.

Sadly, the timing will never be "good". You can't really guess and read into it. Just keep detaching and sorry about you. But I'd start at least getting a plan together.

Also, I think she is reluctant to go through with this because of our house. She wants to continue to live in our house, but won't be able to afford to do so without another man. We make just about the same exact amount of money, so neither of us can afford the house alone. Together, we have no problem with our payment and bills. But, cut the income in half and there is no way.

So, if she decides to leave, what are your plans?

I don't know if there is another man that she has been talking to, bit I do see that she has recently became facebook friends with people from her high school, that are mutual friends with her best friends, that are single and divorced with children. I don't know if she is working on or fantasizing about who she would be with next. I really can't see her living alone, like she suggested she could. I said if we separate she will go find a guy right away. She said maybe I will just live alone like your mom did when your parents divorced (my mom never pursued another committed relationship, never remarried or cohabitation with a man after my dad left when I was a child). My mom is happy alone (at least happy enough to live alone).

Honestly, it really doesn't matter much for you right now. You can't control it anyway. Turn your focus inward, Eric.

She also told me if we get a divorce, she doeant want my money. She said we could divorce without a lawyer. My friend spent about $11k and my brother spent $15k on lawyers. So, she was suggesting we could do 50% split of assets and custody.
One thing I know is, I don't believe that for one second. When my brother got his divorce settled, and moved on to find another mate, his ex tool him back to court for child support and tried to get full custody. She ended up getting child support, but the custody remained split.
My best friend was told the same. That they would split 50/50. When he got a new girlfriend, the same occurred. His ex took him to court for more custody and child support. He went from 50/50 to getting tobsee his kids every other weekend.
Once the man moves on, the ex seems to need to make the man bleed more. At least in the two occasions I witnessed. So, for her to say that, I could not believe a word.

Good on you for not believing. As soon as she sees what rent and everything costs, she's going to claw to get everything she can.

But in general, you can't believe a word she's saying right now. Like above about living alone. That's just to get you to back off and stop snooping, I think. There's a saying around here that if their lips are moving, they're lying.

I still love my wife. I see it as better to fight for her, rebuild a new relationship, find love again. However, she does not want to let the wall down. She does not think I can change. She rolled her eyes at me when I told her I already have. I am trying to assume love. I'm trying to be positive, but she is making it difficult since she is keeping me distant.

Ok....remember up there where I told you to look inwards? THIS is why. Any change you make has to be for you. If she says "you never dyed your hair pink. I find that so sexy" and you came back tomorrow like that, she'd know it was just for her. But she doesn't WANT you to do anything for her anymore.

So, instead, you have to think about what changes to make.
- what doesn't she like about you?
- what don't you like about you?
- what do you find admirable in other guys?
Make a list.

Then start doing or not doing those things.

BUT. And here's the key. It has to be for you. If she says"you never bought me flowers" you can't start doing it NOW. But you can think "hmmm....I never bought random small gifts to show affection. I should do that." So buy S8 a cool new little toy. Make cupcakes for people in your office just because. 180 that negative to be a learned trait. Just not FOR your W.

I tried to remind her of times when wi know she was happy and in live with me. In every example I mentioned, she remembered something negative. Her ability to remember negatives in what I thought were awesome, happy times, is remarkable. I wish I had the ability to remember the past as detailed as she can. I guess my words and my mood carried a lot more weight with her than I realized. She remembered a comment I made about her weight from 15 years ago.

We've all heard it. They were NEVER happy and WE are the reason. Not much you can do about it. That's why there's a rule about that kind of talk - it just leads to your own heartache.

With that being said, she has recently lost lot of weight (within last year), got a tummy tuck, got a boob job. She looks more attractive to me now than ever. I did not want her to get any of that done. In fact, I opposed it. I would have rather spent all that money on the kid's college savings fund. But, she wanted to do it, so I said go for it. But, really I didn't want her to. She also spent 3k on invisiline braces. We have the money, so the money isn't the issue. I just felt like she was making too many drastic changes. Obviously, it was a sign she was unhappy with herself that I missed. I didn't know it was me she was so happy with. Was she fixing herself up to exit? Or was she just trying to feel better about hwr personal appearance? Only she knows.

Who knows. But it sounds normal just before this kind of BD. Trying to find ways to "be happy" before deciding she can't with you.