When is kindness enough?

[Ripe]

Fogg, I like the way you phrase things. And I agree with you: we cannot dwell forever on the negative feelings.
Doing some GAL, I just had the best weekend away with some friends, going for a brass band festival. It was awesome!! Anyway, for a brief moment I felt sad. Being surrounded by so much cheerfulness and having gone with some cheerful friends made me wish my W would have such joy for life. Carpe diem!

[quote=Ripe]
I would also suggest reading others threads. You can find a similar situation and use the advice given to them to help. I've found much of my own help that way. It also gives people an incentive to look at your thread and post when you comment on theirs.

This is one of the best advises one can give a newcomer. I have found much wisdom in this forum that has had a direct impact in my life. I have started a document with various quotes over which I reflect some times.
I really like this one from 25yearsmlc:

Any chance you can thank her for waking you up b/c MAYBE, before hand you were more of a spectator in life and not enough of a participant. So yes, you are grateful for this despite all the pain b/c there is growth from that pain.

I might not have accomplished much, but I am pleased to say that during our brief June reconciliation I got the chance to thank my W for the marital crisis, which has been a real awakening. At some point she said: "you are different, you have changed."
I really do hope I have.

[Ripe]

Yesterday I talked to my SIL.
She does not begin to comprehend her sister. She has come to the conclusion that my W is only happy where she is not and only happy with what she does not have.
Anyway, my W visited my SIL and over talks said several things:
- I have to live my life;
- I want to be happy;
- I want to find myself;
- Be careful, there is a time when you lose yourself and you will never find yourself again;
- It comes a point in life when you have to decide about your life, I am about to reach the 40’s, half of my life is gone and I have to live the other half;
- For once, I have to be selfish and think about myself.

[Ripe]

Yesterday a gave what I hope is another step in finding myself, a better self:
I had my first session with my IC.
I had to overcome an initial resistance, since I considered my wife the one in need for counselling, not me. Was not she the one always sad, depressed, not able to enjoy life? And willing to destroy a family, my family?
She was therefore the one with a problem.
Well, I now consider that she was not the only problem in my marriage: I was the other.
I hope this journey will help me to know myself.

[bttrfly]

Hello, my birthday is the day after yours so happy bday a bit early!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think IC will be a wonderful tool for you as you move through whatever this next phase is. I can only tell you what has been told to me: try hard not to go on your spouse's emotional roller coaster ride with them. Easier said than done, but in those moments when you can step aside and observe your spouse's behavior, for me anyway I see a person I love who is in a lot of pain that only they can dig their way out of. Once that happens, compassion kicks in, which makes it easier for everyone to heal, I think.

Anyway, that's all I got ... hang in! I know it's hard, but hang in!

[Fogg]

IC is a really good step Ripe, continue to work of yourself. You cant force her to fix herself but maybe, just maybe if you fix yourself she will see its possible to be done. It may or may not mean anything for your M but it will definitely help you.

[Ripe]

Hello, my birthday is the day after yours so happy bday a bit early!

So thoughtful of you, bttrfly. We are still sixteen days away from it, but thanks for having noticed.
I still don't know if I want to celebrate it.
If you have read my sitch you will be aware I am flying home in one week, I will be celebrating my kid's birthday on the 24th, mine on the 31st and then flying back on the 5th September.
My wife will be coming back on the 25th August, though.
This means she will be deliberately avoiding my birthday and that we will not celebrate it together, as a family, for the first time in 15 years.
I don't know what my wife has told the kids or my Mother.
I don't know what to tell my kids in order to justify the mother's absence without lying.
You can see why I am not eager to celebrate my birthday.
The problem is that my Mother celebrates her birthday the same day (yes, you guessed right, I was the best present a mother can ask for ).
I guess we will just go out for a dinner.

And I still face the problem of how to interact with my wife the 22, 23 and 24 August.

[Ripe]

Thanks, Fogg, I really think I took a good decision. I have no intention to tell my wife, though.
Not that that is a hard thing to do since we don't speak for almost one month, with two exceptions related to things she asked me to do for her.

[Ripe]

Four days until I fly home.
I am getting nervous.
It has been almost two months since I saw my kids. I have been skypping with them every night.
It has been almost two months since I saw my wife.
I haven’t talked to her for almost a month, as she requested.
I need to start thinking how to behave when I see her again.
One thing I know: I feel very uncomfortable at the thought of having to share the same bed with this person I don’t know anymore.
I feel like quitting.
I DBusted.
I tried.
I almost made it.
But I failed.
Al least, I hope I have started a path of self-improvement.

And now off to bed. I started meditating and I want to see in one month if I see any improvement in quieting my mind.

[Ripe]

Less than 12 hours to fly home and 26h to arrive.
I am very nervous at the prospect of seeing my wife in flesh after almost two months.
When we kissed off, we were separating as a couple working on reconciliation.
Now I am meeting a person that one month ago asked me not to contact her and to give her space and who is avoiding my birthday even if it means not spending the holidays as a family. We will be staying together for three days before she flies back.
It says it all.
I have decided:
- to dedicate myself to the kids and enjoy the holidays in their company;
- to try and keep a PMA;
- to talk politely to W;
- to act as if I am moving with my life;
- to be scarce with words.
This will be half DBing half going on with my life.
I cannot let this person harm me any more as when she accepted half-heartedly a reconciliation I fully embraced.
And I don't want to go back to January when I fully embraced DBing hopping to save the M.
I did that, it seemed to work for a while but then it failed.

[Zephyr]

Ripe, your list is really good. The PMA a s being polite is a must. You will not save anything this holiday, but a grumpy , rude h will leave a bad taste for sure.

Yes focus on your kids!!!
No pressure on W for anything including physical affection or plans for when the trip is concluded. Listen and hear what she says.

Deep breath. Look good, smell great. Be witty. You will do wonderfully.

One note, you have not failed db. You have not chosen to be done so there is still hope, no matter how dark things appear right now. These things take time, time is on your side!