PT33 - Oh yeah....we divorced all right. July 27th, 2012 - I believe it was final. We are a "divorced and reconciling" couple. I took that hard, the actual divorce, but the fact of the matter is (and it is often repeated here) my marriage was dead the day she decided she wanted out. THAT relationship was over. The divorce was really more about the legal aspects....but yeah, our marriage was over long before July 27th.
How did I get there? Let me say this in the most plain way possible: MORE PATIENCE THAN I THOUGH HUMANLY POSSIBLE! Three years....I was "in the woods" trying to find myself, date, move on, reconcile - whatever - for three years. During that time, I had to find the balance of kindness to her in all interactions and standing up for myself (ask Sandi2 or 25, I was not good at it). But I also made sure that I was changing and growing for ME and my overall betterment and not just to win her back. I never yelled, or name-called, or blamed -- I was either kind or silent for the most part. I did my best to "keep the road home paved and smooth" -- even though she didn't set foot on it for 3 years. And, most challengingly, I had to maintain a kind voice, tone and actions even when I was coming under fire or being blamed for things. That was hard - and it still is! But how we react to ANYONE is key to our relationship with them. A spouse, an ex, your boss....anybody. It reminds me of the line for the Kipling poem "If you can keep your head about you when everyone else is losing theirs".
Oh - I also wrote letters occasionally. We didn't talk face to face about things related to us - so I wrote. Never knew if they ever made a difference - but turns out she kept all of them and refers to them from time to time. I wouldn't suggest doing this a lot, though. I mean - I MAYBE did one every several months. For the most part I left her alone when it came to talking about our R.
I also got to the point of reconciling by finally giving up after trying for so long. The day she told me she was introducing a man she was seeing to our son I quit. I mean I really, really, really backed away and stopped communicating. That was my notice that it was time to accept my new life. We existing like that for months....and then things just kind of "changed".
So I guess I say that to say reconciliation IS possible - but you have to have patience, an inextinguishable drive to change from within for no one other than yourself, and the courage to accept WHATEVER outcome you receive. Of all those things, I can't underscore being honest about your faults and accepting criticism you don't want to accept.
It is very easy to look at yourself, find your own faults and work to change them. It is a WHOLE 'nother ball game to absorb brutal (yet fact-based) criticism about yourself from someone you love and care about it -- accept it as true even if you don't see it, and work to change it. It feels like you're punching at the sky at first -- but eventually you may conclude that your significant other had a lot of good points....and even if not, it helps you see his or her reality. That alone is the first step to acceptance and maybe even compassion. When I hit that stage, I felt terrible about the things I unknowingly put her through.
Keep hope, folks. But keep hope that things will be OK and get back to normal - maybe that is with the significant other, maybe not....but keep hope. The sun does come up again. I needed to hear this when I first arrived here. Use this period as a time to peacefully learn and reflect. We, as human beings, are forged in flames - and what we learn during good times in our lives is virtually nothing compared to what we learn and how we grow during life's difficult passages.
