hmmm. I thought (as part of my 180), I should try to empathize, understand his point of view. So I acknowledge that I could see how he'd feel "monitored" still. Not sure if that's an absolute. What am I missing?
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I hope you weekend went well. I wanted to let this sit for a few days.
Firstly...you say you stopped snooping and that is wonderful. You also say that was a while ago, however, you do have recent intel, so I can't believe that is was that long ago.
If other people are "keeping you in the loop," just tell them that you would rather they keep that information to themselves.
There are ways to not talk about things without being rude. You can simply tell him you aren't prepared to discuss it right now. Having relationship talks as frequently as you seem to be, can actually leave you just spinning in circles. Which is where you are right now.
I understand completly wanting to know. Wanting the answer. Thinking that talking about it is the only way to solve, resolve, change anything.
It isn't.
DB is solution based. It is about doing what works and stopping doing what doesn't work.
At this point, I would focus on yourself. The happier you become with YOU, the more pleasant you will be. As you become more comfortable with yourself, without worrying so much about the relationship, the more genuine you will become. The more genuine you become, the more your interactions with him will change.
It is the butterfly effect in action. I am not saying it will fix your marriage, however, it will put you in a better position to do so.
Your H, has some issues. Issues that he wants to place the responsiblilty for on your shoulders.
Depression...you can't fix that. His job can't fix that. OW can't fix that. He needs to fix that. Maybe with the help of a doctor or counselor. He needs to want to fix it.
Anyway, I don't want to bombard you with too much at once. I know it is confusing.
Have you begun either of the books I suggested? Sometimes a second look at a book can show you things you missed the first go round.
What do you think of them?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
