Few Questions From. Newbie

[Azzork]

Eric - I'm sorry you're here. None of this is easy. Especially at the start. I'll give some thoughts below.

I am my own worst enemy right now. Since we are living in the same house and still talking somewhat,I feel like their is still hope. However, the way she is treating me, walling me off, telling me she doesn't want to work on us, that she doesn't love me anymore (she can't pinpoint when she came to this conclusion - said it has been years) and hurting me makes it feel like it is just a sliver of hope though. Maybe just wishful thinking on my part? I dont want to give up, but she is making it as difficult as possible.

There is always hope if you want there to be.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't "give up". Look, I'm really sorry, but your marriage is over. You are already fired as husband. So give up trying to save that marriage. Instead, your goal should be on forging a new marriage with the person that was your wife. Unfortunately, that sets you right back at square one - you aren't her husband anymore, so you can't ACT like her husband anymore.

Stop worrying about WHEN she stopped loving you. Worry about WHY she stopped loving you. Then look at the things and fix them. For you.

I am grateful she has not left or forced me to leave. She did say she wants me to leave. I argued with her and stayed in our house. She wants space and time.
I get the feeling she has already exited the marriage in her mind. In breaking the rules, I was talking to her mom, brother,sister, bestate friend. They won't talk to me now - wont return calls or texts (foolishly, I tried more than once). They were supporting me and now they have cut me off. Her brother posted on facebook the other day how my wife is strong and they were raised to never back down. I interpret that as she is having conversations with them about leaving and has doubts. They are telling her she can do it and she needs to leave to be happy.

Yes. She HAS already exited your marriage. Leave her friends and family alone - they were never going to be support for you anyway.

Also, I don't advise leaving your house. She wants to separate, let her leave. Now, that doesn't mean living together as separates is easy. Read threads from Ghost56 or Huddy to see how they've done.

She knows I don't like her to go out all night. So, I am sure she will. I am worried she will act like a single, wild woman. She has become friends with 2 single, divorced men on facebook in the last couple days (I'm breaking another rule by Facebook stalking her). These guys are both attractive and are mutual friends with the two friends she is going out with this Saturday. So, I worry that she will meet with them or end up going home with one of them.

The no snooping rule is there for you. No matter what you find, she isn't going to change her mind. So your outcomes are either:
1) you find something and get hurt
2) you don't find anything. But did you miss it or was there nothing? So you keep looking. Then you hit outcome 1.

So, what good did it do? You got hurt. That's the only result.

I'm a door mat right now. She holds all the power. I think she wants me to blow up. Then she can say, when she rewrites or marriage history, I stayed and tried to work it out, but he wouldn't change and give me space. He got mad when I went ourlt with my friends. Accused me of seeing other people when I just got too drunk to drive home. She will say she just spent night at girlfriends. Ugh. I feel like I can't win.

Nope. There is no "winning" here. She's going to rewrite everything and now YOU are the enemy. YOU are the one keeping her from her freedom, from her happiness, from the greatness that is the rest of her life.

If detach, I feel like she will interpret that as a green light to do as she pleases because I don't really care. I gave up after one month when she was unhappy for years.

NOOOOOOO. DETACHMENT IS NOT IGNORING. it is not being uncaring. It is not being unloving. Detachment is HEALTHY. It's about protecting your emotional state from the ups and downs and loop-de-loos that she is going through.

I guess I do have control issues. I know I need to just say "have fun!" When she leaves Saturday night and not react. I shouldn't react even if she doesn't come home. I shouldn't call or text her while she is out and ask her how it is going or what are you doing. But, I will want to and I will have to fight myself not to because I do have control issues. When I don't know what is going on, my mind wanders into dark places and I think the worse case scenarios.

Yep. We've all been there. She is going to make her own choices. Read the BOUNDARIES thread so you can protect yourself. But otherwise, you have to let her live the life she so desires. Any opposition only drives her further away.

Use the time to work on you. Take up a new hobby. Go out with friends. Go to a meetup to make new friends. Anything. Just don't sit around at home waiting for her.



You can do it, Eric. It won't be easy. And it will be long. But you CAN do it.