I am my own worst enemy right now. Since we are living in the same house and still talking somewhat,I feel like their is still hope. However, the way she is treating me, walling me off, telling me she doesn't want to work on us, that she doesn't love me anymore (she can't pinpoint when she came to this conclusion - said it has been years) and hurting me makes it feel like it is just a sliver of hope though. Maybe just wishful thinking on my part? I dont want to give up, but she is making it as difficult as possible.
I am grateful she has not left or forced me to leave. She did say she wants me to leave. I argued with her and stayed in our house. She wants space and time.
I get the feeling she has already exited the marriage in her mind. In breaking the rules, I was talking to her mom, brother,sister, bestate friend. They won't talk to me now - wont return calls or texts (foolishly, I tried more than once). They were supporting me and now they have cut me off. Her brother posted on facebook the other day how my wife is strong and they were raised to never back down. I interpret that as she is having conversations with them about leaving and has doubts. They are telling her she can do it and she needs to leave to be happy.
She knows I don't like her to go out all night. So, I am sure she will. I am worried she will act like a single, wild woman. She has become friends with 2 single, divorced men on facebook in the last couple days (I'm breaking another rule by Facebook stalking her). These guys are both attractive and are mutual friends with the two friends she is going out with this Saturday. So, I worry that she will meet with them or end up going home with one of them. I'm a door mat right now. She holds all the power. I think she wants me to blow up. Then she can say, when she rewrites or marriage history, I stayed and tried to work it out, but he wouldn't change and give me space. He got mad when I went ourlt with my friends. Accused me of seeing other people when I just got too drunk to drive home. She will say she just spent night at girlfriends. Ugh. I feel like I can't win.
If detach, I feel like she will interpret that as a green light to do as she pleases because I don't really care. I gave up after one month when she was unhappy for years.
I guess I do have control issues. I know I need to just say "have fun!" When she leaves Saturday night and not react. I shouldn't react even if she doesn't come home. I shouldn't call or text her while she is out and ask her how it is going or what are you doing. But, I will want to and I will have to fight myself not to because I do have control issues. When I don't know what is going on, my mind wanders into dark places and I think the worse case scenarios.