Uncertain and vexing times - must stay on DB point

[t33]

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Partly because things had been going OK, partly because I feel like I'm embarrassed for not doing good DB and for doing the wrong things, and partly because I'm just exhausted with everything.

W was home all of the previous week. She had a slip and fall a week ago Sunday. We had been out, I came home to take the kids while she stayed with two of our friends. She fell, and our friends brought her home. I took care of her that evening and she broke down crying, saying how she still loved me, was so looking forward to moving, how she just wants to get out of here. She goes on to say how she wishes she could just wake up and not have any feelings for OM and just love me like she wants to. She says she hadn't spoken to him for over a week and how happy she was about that. It felt really nice to hear these things - and yes, I know about believing what they say - but how can I not take this information as something!

I got off early on Monday and took her to the doctor, they told her to stay home from work for the week and rest. Over the course of last week, things were very nice. I got off work at reasonable times and we'd hang out watching TV and she reached out to hold my hand or caress me. She was much more affectionate in that way and we were able to connect quite well.

Near the end of the week she of course starts texting with OM and starts to distance herself from me again. I oversee his name on her list of texts on Saturday and get a little cranky. She asks what's wrong and I finally say that I saw his name. She says that he heard she was hurt (which I don't believe - I'm sure she initiated) and was checking in on her. She says it's over between the two of them and has been for weeks. She's completely over it. She just enjoys his friendship. I don't make a huge deal of it as I want a nice weekend and don't want to blow things up, but I do say she needs to stop going back to talking with him - boundary fail/telling what to do fail.

Well, I'm sure we all know where this is going. This weekend was nice and then she goes back to work on Monday. I have to work late Monday-Wednesday. Monday isn't too late at least but she's a bit more distanced. I assumed this would happen going back to the toxic work environment and having OM around. Tuesday and Wednesday I work well after midnight and don't get to see W, and she becomes even more distant.

Last night she came and picked me up from work to go to dinner since I could get out at a decent time. She arrives wearing what I call her "OM necklace" - something she hadn't worn in over 3 weeks. We have an OK dinner, but I'm exhausted and a bit frustrated with her distancing (I've also been struggling with moments of real anger over this whole situation over the past few weeks, but try not to let her see any of that keeping PMA). Anyway, after dinner we try to find something to do, but she still can't walk around much, so we drive to another restaurant in downtown we love for a drink. Because I'm in a bit of funk and exhausted she feels there's something wrong and then I allow us to get sucked into an R talk that never should have happened (stupid!). Basically she says she has been distant lately, and she's felt distant the last few days, and the last week, and the week before that, and the month before that...etc. There's more she talks about that is hard to hear, but I try to just let her have her piece and validate (though after reading more validation threads I think I screwed that up to). Again, I know about listening to what they say - because this is complete BS. We've had some great moments and connections even with her waywardness. It's rewriting short term history and reinforcing the long term history.

In any case, this morning she was in a better mood and mentioned somebody who might take one of our cats when we move, so it doesn't feel like she's abandoning the move - though I'm sure the reality of that is also causing her emotional pinballing.

That's the update, now to V's questions:

So, what exactly is different about being abroad?

Do you behave differently, is it lifestyle, choices, climate, people?

I don't have a good answer. Maybe we have more wholesome friends? Maybe it's just being in an "exotic" location - which if that's the case the novelty will wear off quickly which could lead to the same problems. When we were there last time she was so focused on family, the kids, me when I came home. We explored, we went on vacations, we did fun things. Do I behave differently? Perhaps - I don't know. I was so stuck in work, it sure didn't feel like I did. Though I don't plan on working the crazy hours I had to last time. I won't be paid as much either, which will limit our fun money - and maybe we just enjoyed being able to have fun.

Are you expecting your sitch to repair with this move?

I'd be lying if I said I didn't. I don't think this cures it. But it sure is a major change and a major way to shake things up and stop doing the same things over and over again which always puts us back to square one.

Are there steps you need to take before you move?

What steps do you mean? I need to find a job that gives the proper visa. We'll need to find a place to live, though we've been keeping an eye on the available places already. Then there is tons of stuff to close out and clean up here. If you're talking about the sitch, I feel like we need to continue to make progress, but I don't feel like I can completely back off and follow the rules as we need to work together to make it all happen.

What happens if you don't?

Move? I don't have a Plan B for not moving.

Essentially I am trying to understand what makes the real difference to you in this and if this is temporary with W, will your M repair itself automatically,. Some insight into why you current location is an issue. So I think I would be grateful for more explanation as I haven't quite got it.

The real difference is how happy we were over there vs. over here. I need a better work/life balance which I think I can get over there. I think the kids would benefit tremendously as the schools over there teach in ways that are way more conducive to the way my eldest learns - that would be better.

This location, W won't leave her toxic job and the toxic people there. This gives us a chance to get away. A fresh start? Maybe, maybe not. But it's something different. Doesn't mean it won't all fall apart over there. But over here, doesn't feel like anything can change.

--
Well, this was a long post, but it'd been a while. Frustrating things for me are that I'm clearly not detaching well, I'm not following sandi's 37 rules, I have no time for GAL (though I am going out with a buddy after work today). I feel pressed for time in that we have to get this move figured out and make it happen and I don't want things to blow up to the point where she changes her mind and won't go with me. That would make things unbearably complex with the kids and what I do for the next job. I don't know how to DB properly and keep things moving forward in a good way with W to prepare for the move.

Beyond that, work is only going to get harder and longer until the project finishes. I still have immense trouble focusing at work and each day still feels like a week I struggle to get through it. It's been a little over 3 months since BD which is crazy how short it's been. We've got 4-5 months to the move. I just don't know how I'm going to make it to then.