There really are no right or wrong answers here, simply what works and doesn't.
I want to tell you that whatever you feel is ok. They are your feelings. Some will serve you better than others throughout this process and like the ocean, they will ebb and flow.
I am going to suggest two books to you to read.
One may seem really out there, don't let the title scare you, and it may be really difficult to process.
I am suggesting it because of your H's feelings about male/female roles. And because personally, I believe it is a very important concept.
Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. The local library should have it or be able to get it for you.
The other is His Needs Her Needs. Excellent read and it shows us how different men and women really are on an emotional and psychological level.
Read them please. You are facing some of the issues that they cover.
And follow Drew's advice.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you cat. I know feelings can really mislead us. Look at what they've done to my H. That's why I keep coming back & asking questions on what to do - I don't want to be misled by foolish emotions. Thanks for the book suggestions. I read His Needs/Her Needs a long time ago.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
At this point, when things are the way they are (me trying to 180 from being controlling, and meeting his needs, etc.), I'm still confused about things. DB seems to say I shouldn't "pursue" or even try to meet those needs. Yet that's what he's looking for - his wife to meet his needs and not control/fight for power. I'm also still torn about ML...
Sorry I'm SO dense.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I cant advise you anymore than I already have on the ML topic. It is different for each person and situation.
Read the book. She gives really simple things as ways we undermine the men in our lives. You can actually implement many of the ideas without seeming like you are pursuing. Just remember, whatever changes you may decide to make, have to be because YOU want to change, not for the marriage or him alone. Otherwise they will seem fake, and they WAS can smell fake a mile away.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Talked a little last night, but it ended the same... he feels like he's being played & manipulated. I just don't see what I'm doing (now) that is causing that. He asked some good questions - I validated. I think because of his counselor background he knows what I'm doing with that and it just seems fake.
So I sent him an email this morning (I know, probably wrong to do): Among other things it said this: "Now, I feel like I am finally growing into the woman I'm supposed to be! I know it must not seem familiar to you - you are used to a much different "Kyrie", of which I am ashamed. No more walking backwards." (that's a song reference which he would get). He said I was talking at him, not to him.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
It seems to me that in reading your posts that your always trying something new to get the "right" answer. IMO you haven't settled on any one thing that you can control and that is you. IMO I think you need to slow down and try maybe one new thing for a little while and give it a chance to work. your trying everything under the sun because you feel like the last thing wasn't successful so let me try this, and this, and this.
IMO I think you need to work on detaching some for your self because it appears to me that you are constantly pursuing in one fashion or another and to your point he is seeing right through it.
I know how desperate you feel but it is that desperation that is probably turning him off and away from you. slow down take a deep breath and think what is the one thing I can do for myself today that will make me a better person for myself and in turn maybe a better person for my Spouse and my children. And do that consistently for a week and see what kind of reaction it brings. You cant tell him what you've done to change he needs to see it and feel it for himself.
I think you expecting immediate results and when you don't get the response your after you immediately try some thing else. This is more than likely going to be a long process that you have to work through.
There's a lot of folks here rooting for you!
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Talked a little last night, but it ended the same... he feels like he's being played & manipulated. I just don't see what I'm doing (now) that is causing that. He asked some good questions - I validated. I think because of his counselor background he knows what I'm doing with that and it just seems fake.
So I sent him an email this morning (I know, probably wrong to do): Among other things it said this: "Now, I feel like I am finally growing into the woman I'm supposed to be! I know it must not seem familiar to you - you are used to a much different "Kyrie", of which I am ashamed. No more walking backwards." (that's a song reference which he would get). He said I was talking at him, not to him.
It feels like you both want to spend so much time and energy analyzing and rehashing and reviewing every little detail of every little thing. But it's causing you both to go aqround in circles.
Can you take a night to go do something fun together so you can be in each other's company without needing to discuss your R? Go to a sporting event, go bowling, go to game night, go do SOMETHING, ANYTHING else besides focusing so hard on your R.
I keep saying we need to start from here, not stay stuck in the past. But I know he needs to see it, not just hear it.
He's the one who keeps coming to me with this stuff - I don't pursue it. But I do answer him, mostly to validate, but sometimes to keep communications open. That's what he always comes back to: communication and me trying to manipulate or set the direction for the comms. I think I've been somewhat consistent. The only thing that has softened is my physical affection...
Just had another thought... my GAL includes chatting w/friends. That's made him rather nervous (questions, irritation when I get a text, etc.) Maybe that's part of what makes him feel manipulated.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
