H has started an affair

[Sotto]

Hi Anna - you're welcome! You may also want to have a browse on newcomers. There are many infidelity scenarios there too - it's all too common unfortunately. In terms of the wedding, you may want to plan on going yourself, and if your H comes, he comes. If he doesn't, perhaps you could just say he has to work or something? One thing I have learned is it's best not to confide too widely what is going on. If you guys work things out, concerned friends/family can be a barrier I think.

Of course at the wedding, I imagine you'll be wearing your free-spirited outfit and persona with pretty little jewels in your own hair - and certainly not looking like a harried mum of toddlers. In terms of OW, yes he lied. Another thing I learned here is all cheaters lie.

I also learned that affair partners are inevitably 'trade downs' so you can rest assured that she has little of your character and integrity. She is an annoying gnat who is hardly worth your attention. My H also had an A with a work colleague. I met her once, so she knew full well my H was married. She had a previous A with a guy with kids, his M ended and then she cheated on him with my H. Go figure....

Now then, do have a read of Cherry's thread because I think it may help with the approach you need here. Also, start having a think about the woman you have become during your 12 years of M. Who was the woman your H fell in love with, and how has she changed? You mention some things - clingy, depending on him too much, having your own issues and feeling happy with yourself. Perhaps this is a chance to reclaim some of the former 'you' that got a little lost in marriage and motherhood - as we all do.

WRT him, do have a think about your boundaries - and protect your own health and interests. My H kept telling me he was confused and didn't know what to do (we had S at this point.) He told me he would understand if I couldn't wait whilst he made a decision. I told him I wouldn't wait. But what I wish I would have said is - H, I have no intention of putting my life on hold while you conduct an extra marital relationship. We both have some decisions to make here.

GAL is really important. Do you work? Get out with friends much? The more life you can have outside of the M just now the better. Even if it is GAL with the kids, and maybe other Mums with kids. Have a think about how you can build up your own independence too.

Above all, do keep posting, looking after yourself and keep your chin up! It's a rocky road, but you will find strength you didn't know you had, and will be a better person for it.

Take care, S x