Here is a little background to my situation: I have been with my wife for 18 years. We have d:13 and son:8. I recently learned my wife is no longer in love with me and asked me for a separation. I was shocked, hurt, panicked, pleaded, begged, told her I would change. I think I have broke all 37 rules in the last four weeks. I could not agree to leave my family. I love my wife, kids, home, town, etc. Looking back and self-reflecting, I see that I have not cherished her. I did not take her out when she wanted to go downtown, did not romance her, I am horrible at buying gifts, and most of my time was directed towards my children (especially my son). I can see where she does not feel loved, but yet I love her with all of my heart. Once she told me she doesn't love me anymore, she has totally changed. She has put up an iron wall. Does not want me to touch her, hug her, be in the same room. I feel the tension when I come home. She will talk to my about our kids, but not much else. She spends a lot of time on Facebook and on her phone. She wants to go out with her girlfriends Saturday night. I am scared that she is going to act like a wild, single woman. Her best friends, mom, sister, brother have all been informed she no longer lover me. Question 1 - how do I respond to her wanting to go out drinking? She doesn't do it much, but when she does, she closes the bar. Sometimes doesn't come home until 3-4am. This has been fought about before. I always ask her to come home at a reasonable time. I worry about a dui. I also worry that she is dancing or flirting with other guys. I am not normally jealous, but I am when she goes out. I am more of a homebody. I travel for work, so when I get home I like to stay home. This is one of the things she is unhappy with. I told her it is an easy fix. Let's go out more. Now that she opened Pandora's box with saying I don't love you, she won't let me take her out, go to her side of the family events, won't come to my side of the family, skipped oUT on going on a camping with me and the kids last weekend (instead she traveled across the state to see her sister). I think her sister is telling her to leave me to be happy. I have never been abusive. I think I have worn her down slowly over the years. She has given up hope that she can be happy with me. She rolls her eyes at me when I say I can change and we can go do more together. She has been cold toward me. She is normally the most kind, big hearted person I know. I have lost a lot of sleep and weight worrying about losing my wife, thinking about a future as a divorced dad (I can't imagine not living in the same house full-time with my kids, the idea of me only seeing them a few times a week kills me). I ordered Michele's books, but they don't arrive for a few days. In the meantime, I am reading on the forums here. And advice from posts on Jack Ito's website. Should I be distancing myself from her? I have been pursuing, trying to show her I do love her. She told me I am annoying her by hovering, so I guess I know the answer. I just am weak and don't want to give her space. I'm afraid she will find that she is happier without me. I am afraid she has been talking to someone or is fantasizing about others. Eric
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm not a vet here but I will tell you... They are on their way! They will help you with anything you come across. Their word is gold! Sometimes(as I found out) it may sound harsh, but they will tell it how they see it from EXPERIANCE.
I wish you luck, you came to the right place
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
And there's cadet! Posted already while I was typing haha
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Sandi2's 37 rules. Read them. Read them again. Then print a copy on your hand so you can read them more. You won't always be able to follow them. It is very hard at first, but it does get easier. I personally didn't do so well with them last night but it's not the end of the road, merely a bump...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
I have been exercising daily. Lifting weights and running. I have gone from a muscular 205 with some belly jelly to 185 mostly muscles in the span of four weeks. I am literally sick to my stomach and am having difficulty sleeping and eating. Exercise does make me feel better, although I found myself crying while running. I am a wreck. As said before, in the last four weeks, I have broken everyone of the 37 rules. I have the books on order. They won't arrive until Tuesday. I really appreciate any help I can get. My brother and best friend have both gone through divorces in the last two years. Their advice is not encouraging.
I am in the same situation. One thing I can tell you is that if you continue to ask her to work on the marriage it will push her further away. I know this from my experience. I did the same things you are doing. I begged, and cried. I even threatened suicide. Like you I cant imagine living life as a part time dad. I feel like a failure. You are not in this alone. My wife has put up the same wall as yours and the only was to bring that wall down is by following the 37 rules.
I continued to try to fix it myself and the only results I got were bad. I would try to reason with her and she just stares at the floor and says nothing but "I want out". Luckily I found this site before she moved out. I have made mistakes since ive started following the rules but im getting better at it every day.
You are in the right place. The people here have all gone, or are going, through the same pain as you. I also lost weight and couldn't sleep. I had to get on medication to be able to sleep. I broke every rule habitually and found myself in a worse situation. Trust the program and read thos rules over and over.
Don't give up hope. its not over till its over. Start making the changes to yourself and do it now. I wasted a lot of time doing what does not work.
Also, MWD has videos on you tube. there is one titled the walkaway wife syndrome. watch it, it will help you understand your situation. Keep posting and reading the rules. Whatever you do don't keep pursuing her. Leave her alone. Its our only chance.
Look, im giving you this advise but Im not good at it yet either. It is the hardest thing ive ever tried to do. It never leaves my mind. but I am committed to following these rules. If you fall down just get back up and start again. We will get through this.
Hang in there. I know how hard it is.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
One thing to remind yourself over and over is. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. people have been through this and came out the other side. it happens all the time.
uphill is right. the vets here will help you through all of this. I have found it helpful to read other threads. Also, don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes and you are not 100% responsible for the problems in your marriage.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Question 1 - how do I respond to her wanting to go out drinking? She doesn't do it much, but when she does, she closes the bar. Sometimes doesn't come home until 3-4am. This has been fought about before. I always ask her to come home at a reasonable time. I worry about a dui. I also worry that she is dancing or flirting with other guys. I am not normally jealous, but I am when she goes out.
You can not control what she does .... if she goes out, remain positive
READ Cadets links ... then read em again .. alot of information in there.
You are early into this so stick with the basics ... Detach, 180, GAL and PMA
Originally Posted By: EricT
I am more of a homebody. (Possible 180 chance here ... GAL with something outdoors) I travel for work, so when I get home I like to stay home. This is one of the things she is unhappy with. I told her it is an easy fix. Let's go out more.( She will fight this.... to little to late, so you have to just do some things for you right now) Now that she opened Pandora's box with saying I don't love you, she won't let me take her out, go to her side of the family events, won't come to my side of the family, skipped oUT on going on a camping with me and the kids last weekend (instead she traveled across the state to see her sister). I think her sister is telling her to leave me to be happy. I have never been abusive. I think I have worn her down slowly over the years. She has given up hope that she can be happy with me. She rolls her eyes at me when I say I can change and we can go do more together. She has been cold toward me. She is normally the most kind, big hearted person I know. I have lost a lot of sleep and weight worrying about losing my wife, thinking about a future as a divorced dad (I can't imagine not living in the same house full-time with my kids, the idea of me only seeing them a few times a week kills me). I ordered Michele's books, but they don't arrive for a few days. In the meantime, I am reading on the forums here. And advice from posts on Jack Ito's website. Should I be distancing myself from her? (Detach ... not distance) I have been pursuing, trying to show her I do love her. She told me I am annoying her by hovering, so I guess I know the answer.( Yup .. the more you pursue her the faster she will run .... so stop all pursuits) I just am weak and don't want to give her space. I'm afraid she will find that she is happier without me. I am afraid she has been talking to someone or is fantasizing about others. Eric
Ok ... ^^ The fear thing. Yeah I get that , fear of the unknown. You have to mask that, fear is not attractive, you following her around and doing back flips and saying you can change is not attractive. She wants a man ... not play-do she can twist and form into what she thinks she needs.
Plan some GAL activities, be mysterious ... for now .. .she fired you .... time to detach a bit and rediscover yourself.
