Too angry right now

[Azzork]

The worst thing is that she'll find someone else, yes thats my biggest fear but I realise its out of my hands.

Ok. I was pretty sure you were going to say this. 😉
Which scenario makes it more likely that this happens:
1) you follow her wishes and give her some space
2) you continue to put pressure on her for time together, physical touching, R talks, etc

[ohgosh]

I agree with you it is probably number 2.

I TRY to give her space however we still need to sort out this flat together this week which I am trying to conclude without a hitch, hopefully today was the last time we meet about it.

[Azzork]

I agree with you it is probably number 2.

I TRY to give her space however we still need to sort out this flat together this week which I am trying to conclude without a hitch, hopefully today was the last time we meet about it.

Unfortunately, life doesnt just stop at BD. Even when we would do anything to get some space from our spouse, life, business, kids, require some level of periodic contact. Sometimes, theres only so dark you can get.

With that said, when you DO have interactions, you need to make the most of them. No more grumpiness, arguing, R talks...NONE OF IT. Only show the person you want her to see: calm, cool and collected. Happy and busy. Dont show her someone that cant seem to function without her.

[ohgosh]

Agreed. Feel like I totally have been failing at that in many of our interactions. Nothing i can do about the past. but the timing of this couldn't been worse and I feel lost.

I'll focus on not seeing her for a while now as I'll be travelling for at least two weeks.

When she starts the R talks I just don't know how to stop it without being aggressive and stopping it.. Which is a main thing which didn't work between us. She always wanted to talk about one thing endlessly while I wanted to let the past be the past

[ILYNOT]

You to learn to control your anger and emotions. Simple fix, once you fix that about you then she can and will see a different YOU. I mean you take yoga and meditate yet you cant control your anger with your wife>????

that's a 180 for you!

[ohgosh]

Yes. You're right

[asitis]

A couple suggestions on not letting the anger drive you. Remember that it is part of the process that R history is re-written and that a certain amount of anger is thrown at you. An angry reaction from you will (1) confirm their judgment; (2) harden their view on whatever it is that you disagree w/ them on; (3) lead to escalation; & (4) which makes neither of you happy or help you get what you want.

Next time you get angry, go look at yourself in the mirror. Does this person look attractive to you? Do you really want to be this person?

Don't repress the anger, just recognize that you need to hold a space for it until W is no longer in your presence before you can look at it, feel it, etc. It's like setting it in a comfy little baby carrier while you focus on listening and validating. It is the best thing to get her to start calming over time and moving you to the stage where you may actually get to talk about & challenge her perception/view.

Since you are meditating, you might sit w/ your anger when you are feeling it & have the chance. Don't judge it, just look at physical sensations, emotional feeling, and what underlies/triggers that (e.g., beliefs about the way the world/others should be). Helps to reduce the propensity to be triggered over time.

Good luck.

[ohgosh]

Went to the flat again today, not expecting to see her.
She texted me to ask: should I stay to say hello?
My anger said: no. I dont want to see you.
My wisdom replied: up to you.
She stayed. I was in a good state of mind as I meditated and started reading non violent communication today.
She gave me a very affectionate hug I let go into it but was the one to stop it. I was cheerful.

Then again before she left gave me a very sexy hug, and said she's sad. I remained cheerful and she left.
Short, but very positive encounter.

This will be the last time we meet for two weeks so left a good impression.

Very hard not to give in to expectations when you can see hope. However I know within my heart that I have a great future ahead of me, with her, or without.

[asitis]

Went to the flat again today, not expecting to see her.
She texted me to ask: should I stay to say hello?
My anger said: no. I dont want to see you.
My wisdom replied: up to you.
She stayed. I was in a good state of mind as I meditated and started reading non violent communication today.
She gave me a very affectionate hug I let go into it but was the one to stop it. I was cheerful.

Then again before she left gave me a very sexy hug, and said she's sad. I remained cheerful and she left.
Short, but very positive encounter.

This will be the last time we meet for two weeks so left a good impression.

Very hard not to give in to expectations when you can see hope. However I know within my heart that I have a great future ahead of me, with her, or without.

Good job.

Don't see hope. There is none in what she did. It very likely was just her needing to see if you would respond to her as she struggles w/ the loss of you. She's feeling sad because, even though this was her choice, she is loosing the person she has become emotionally attached to & dependant on. That detachment process that both of you are trying to go through ebbs and flows.

And especially if she has either consciously or unconsciously detected a change that suggests that you are moving away from her rather than the other way around, it will trigger insecurity & feelings of loss in her which can cause her to behave in ways that try to re-establish that security even while she continues to detach herself from you. People naturally want this at their pace, and even though she is trying to detach from you, she is still hooked to you and wants that bond badly.

Is this a cause for hope? Yes and no. It means that there is still a great deal in her for you. That will likely not go away, although it may lose its power over her. There is no way to know which direction she ultimately decides until she actually goes through the process. All you can do is continue your detachment & GAL while she goes through this. And the other DBing approaches are tools to help increase the chances that the end of that process is her saying that she wants to try again.

And a warning: don't be surprised if the next encounter is much more unpleasant. She doesn't want to be drawn to you. It often scares the WAS, and they assert their boundary defenses harder to that perceived threat. Hopefully not, but better prepared & not caught totally off guard and triggered into a reaction.

Good luck. It's hard when the aren't nice to you, and hard when they are nice to you. It's just hard.

[ohgosh]

Thanks.
Makes sense.

I'm learning how to better deal with the internal fire of anxiety, stress and loss which imply I should plead, reason, contact - instead I just let it go through me, as painful as it is.

I can see the ways in which her decision to split up was hastened by me. When she was uncertain I kept pressuring her. No more pressure.

She is also likely becoming more stressed because I started packing my things as the agreement between us is that she stays in our home.