Originally Posted By: 4mykid

Zeus I am trying it's really hard to just let it go!

I want the old relationship to be over but not a new better healthier one I want to have. Healthy R with H!

I am also terrified of I let him go it will be permanent and I'm not sure why because we always end up back together I just feel there has been so much turmoil that it won't happen again!

I need to divorce the old R


I'm sure you are trying, but you're holding on as tight as ever. Look at what you just wrote. You've got this fantasy that you're clinging to. "I'm going to grow, break out of this cycle, it will change our interactions, he'll notice, we always find our way back together anyway so when we do it will all work better if I can fix this mess". And you keep clinging to this to avoid the truth- the M is dead, he isn't changing, and no matter what you do there's a very good chance you can't do a darn thing about it.

The problem with remaining in denial is that it allows you to cling to the idea of this relationship for your sense of self and well being. Anything that you perceive to be a step towards this will be a big deal, any step away will be a heartbreak. THIS IS WHY you are so controlling of your WAH, you have a movie script of how you think this is supposed to go, and HE'S NOT READING HIS LINES AND ACTING OUT HIS PART! Quite simply, this doesn't allow you to grow.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but what I really want you to understand is that you can be ok on your own. In fact, you have to be. ***If you can't be ok on your own, one screwed up guy CANNOT save you. *** Seriously. Please write that down somewhere. So all those interactions where you start an argument to control him into some type of exchange- you can eliminate this if you let go and tend to yourself.

You said you'd read my original threads that I linked. You said you read the first one and I linked the second. The parts I was hoping you'd read were about exactly these points. I worked through my co-dependency, fear of abandonment, and found the way for me to nurture myself. So let me test you:

Why was I afraid of abandonment? Who abandoned me and why?

If you can answer those questions you'll know what you have to do.

Last edited by Zues126; 08/14/15 12:01 PM.
Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15