V is for Vanilla 20

[asitis]

V,

Have you talked to a psychiatrist? There are times where medication can really help, and this sounds like one of those cases. If I was your IC, I'd be referring you with what you are describing. You're one h*ll of a strong woman, and I have more admiration for you than I can convey, but even the strongest of us need a little help at certain points to allow for healing and growth.

Another questions: have you tried yoga? It's not a cure-all, but in cases of long-term abuse, body work like yoga has really been shown to be a powerful therapeutic tool. It may be something that you have to go slowly on, as it can also bring new revelations about yourself out, but gently applied w/ insight into the potential need to temporarily back off if it opens a painful door it is has a lot of empirical support as part of a healing process in cases of abuse & trauma.

I'm glad you are at least doing what you need (e.g., eating even when you don't feel like it - we have a drive for preservation and healing if we let it). If you have those disturbing dreams, you might try just sitting and allowing yourself to feel the painful feelings they trigger. If it seems too much at times, gently allow yourself to back off and distract (preferably in a relatively non-harmful way).

How have you been at activating your support network? I know you have us, but it isn't a substitute for more direct human contact w/ caring people in your life. Reach out.

You'll get through this. Maybe w/ a few more bumps and bruises than you'd hoped, but you will. I'll be doing a healing service for you & sending you love & prayers.