Could this be a MLC?

[kml]

Good answer on not discussing it on your daughter's day. If your H is expecting you to beg him to come back, why not throw a little emotional Aikido throw, and Act As If you are accepting his decision.

I don't see any reason for you to go out to eat with him and his mom next week. Arrange for him to have the kids for the weekend and you go do something fun with a girlfriend. After all, if he's going to"move on", he should get used to the reality of every other weekend child responsibilities, right?

You can say something like"divorce is not what I want, but I respect that you have made your decision. We might as well start getting used to this. I'll drop the kids off Friday night and you can drop them back here Sunday afternoon."

The more you act like you're accepting his decision, the more he'll probably second guess his decision. The sooner he has to deal with the reality of weekend childcare eating into his dating opportunities, the sooner the fantasy will wear off.

Take the high road, but make sure it doesn't look like you're sitting there crying all weekend. Let him wonder about what fun you're out having on your weekend without the kids.

[haunted]

Good answer on not discussing it on your daughter's day. If your H is expecting you to beg him to come back, why not throw a little emotional Aikido throw, and Act As If you are accepting his decision.

I don't see any reason for you to go out to eat with him and his mom next week. Arrange for him to have the kids for the weekend and you go do something fun with a girlfriend. After all, if he's going to"move on", he should get used to the reality of every other weekend child responsibilities, right?

You can say something like"divorce is not what I want, but I respect that you have made your decision. We might as well start getting used to this. I'll drop the kids off Friday night and you can drop them back here Sunday afternoon."

The more you act like you're accepting his decision, the more he'll probably second guess his decision. The sooner he has to deal with the reality of weekend childcare eating into his dating opportunities, the sooner the fantasy will wear off.

Take the high road, but make sure it doesn't look like you're sitting there crying all weekend. Let him wonder about what fun you're out having on your weekend without the kids.

Great advice Will do that!

[haunted]

I had therapy today. We discussed the events of the birthday party. She asked how i was doing emotionally, i said struggling. And of course, i bust into tears lol. She told us to find a really good home church and pray for him.

She talked about how it sounds like he has commitment issues and needs to mature and grow.

She asked if he was seeing the kids on a regular basis, staying in contact, helping support financially. Which all the answers are no.

I gave her background info that he and other members of his family have given me. When he was young, his mom would get off work and go see her boyfriend. She was married at the time and wouldn't come home. She had an apartment for her and her boyfriend. She would also drop her kids off on her family members for months at a time. She believes this has something to do with why he is being the way he is now.

I did talk to his mom briefly today. She asked about dinner sunday. She went on to say that he has some kind of feelings for me or he wouldn't not want to be alone with me, or scared to talk to me. I didn't say anything and cut the convo short.

[mleigh4]

Hi Haunted. Do you WANT to go to dinner with your H and his mom? What is the dinner for?

From what you have said so far about his mom, IDK. If you feel she intrudes too much into your marriage, this may be the time to set a boundary with H and pass.

Either way, you need to do what feels right to you. As you go along and make choices, you will be able to see what works and what doesn't work for you.

I like KML's idea

[haunted]

Why does these questions run through my head all the time?

I ask why does he act like we never loved at all? why does he act like i never existed? i have so many why questions. I dont understand anything.

I really don't even think it's a MLC anymore. I think he just wanted to be "free", not tied down, no responsibility.

He is being very selfish right now. Putting anyone and everyone about his daughter.

I am just about to throw in the towel and give him the divorce he wants. I am just so weak tonight. I have tried to be strong but tonight has gotten to me with the wondering why.

[haunted]

Hi Haunted. Do you WANT to go to dinner with your H and his mom? What is the dinner for?

From what you have said so far about his mom, IDK. If you feel she intrudes too much into your marriage, this may be the time to set a boundary with H and pass.

Either way, you need to do what feels right to you. As you go along and make choices, you will be able to see what works and what doesn't work for you.

I like KML's idea

I don't want to go with his mom being there. I am not even sure. He mentioned sunday about how about we go to eat next sunday? I never gave a yes or a no. I just didn't respond.
A part of me wants to go to see him but I know I shouldn't. The place he picked is where we ate a few times for our anniversary. So it holds history and memories and I just don't want my feelings and emotions to overwhelm me.

[mleigh4]

Hi H,

I am sorry you are feeling done, it's understandable. Know there is no sense to MLC, you will drive yourself crazy trying to understand his behavior. Trust me, I almost did! A consistent description I have seen on here is that one day our spouse wakes up and it is like an alien took them over. Lifeless shark eyes, rewriting history, a complete stranger. My H told me on BD that he had been unhappy for 10 years, we had been married for 9. Lol, it's senseless gibberish right now, please know that this is NOT about you.

Something that helped me and still does very much, is to accept this is a mental illness. Nobody in their right mind turns their back on their wife and daughter, right? He is not in his normal balanced state of mind right now. He has issues to work through and needs his space and time to do it.

As far as going to a restaurant where you celebrated anniversaries..... H and I have a place we always celebrate special things, anniversaries, birthdays, it's a local favorite for us. 6 months after Bday, I asked to go somewhere to talk about what we should do and he suggested this place. I thought to myself, this must be good, right? He wouldn't want to go to our special place to beat me down. Wrong! He did all the ILYBINILWY crap and even suggested D as the best answer. I couldn't believe it. I don't know if I will ever forgive him for that! However, we have been back a few times for family dinners and good times.

I guess what I am saying is, they are not in their right mind! They are not thinking straight and seems special places and memories have even been pushed aside and forgotten right now. I have been told this is very common.

Dig deep and put your focus on regaining balance and peace for you and your daughter. Trust me, you are stronger than you think. It is very difficult, just take one hour at a time, then one day and so on.

We are here for you

[haunted]

Hi H,

I am sorry you are feeling done, it's understandable. Know there is no sense to MLC, you will drive yourself crazy trying to understand his behavior. Trust me, I almost did! A consistent description I have seen on here is that one day our spouse wakes up and it is like an alien took them over. Lifeless shark eyes, rewriting history, a complete stranger. My H told me on BD that he had been unhappy for 10 years, we had been married for 9. Lol, it's senseless gibberish right now, please know that this is NOT about you.

Something that helped me and still does very much, is to accept this is a mental illness. Nobody in their right mind turns their back on their wife and daughter, right? He is not in his normal balanced state of mind right now. He has issues to work through and needs his space and time to do it.

As far as going to a restaurant where you celebrated anniversaries..... H and I have a place we always celebrate special things, anniversaries, birthdays, it's a local favorite for us. 6 months after Bday, I asked to go somewhere to talk about what we should do and he suggested this place. I thought to myself, this must be good, right? He wouldn't want to go to our special place to beat me down. Wrong! He did all the ILYBINILWY crap and even suggested D as the best answer. I couldn't believe it. I don't know if I will ever forgive him for that! However, we have been back a few times for family dinners and good times.

I guess what I am saying is, they are not in their right mind! They are not thinking straight and seems special places and memories have even been pushed aside and forgotten right now. I have been told this is very common.

Dig deep and put your focus on regaining balance and peace for you and your daughter. Trust me, you are stronger than you think. It is very difficult, just take one hour at a time, then one day and so on.

We are here for you

Thank you I really needed that.
That would have hurt me so much to have been done like that. I am sorry he did that.

[haunted]

So, my phone died on the way home from work. I charged it when I got home and had this message waiting. It was so random lol.

I don't want to hurt you or make you mad. But I am not going back to you. I'm getting a divorce. This is what I want and I'm gonna get one as soon as I can.

[AJM]

I ask why does he act like we never loved at all? why does he act like i never existed? i have so many why questions. I dont understand anything.

I really don't even think it's a MLC anymore. I think he just wanted to be "free", not tied down, no responsibility

The reason may be MLC or something else. Is the reason important? Or the actions? I say the latter. The reasons change so rapidly in their heads, it's not worth even writing down most of the time. Believe me on that one

I can tell you from my own situation and others I've seen first hand: what they say right now, is not what they will likely remember. My ex told me she never loved me and had to leave to be happy. Swore she never had an affair etc.

Guess what? Years later she swore she never said that and that we did love each other at one point but that it was all my fault she no longer did. She also said how glad she was she had an affair.

In some ways that's accurate. "She" didn't say it, and yet "she" did. The "she" that did was the alien saying those things. The "she" that didn't is who she is trying to become. If that make sense.

Nobody ever blames themselves at first. Never happens that way.

In time you'll see different behavior and thoughts. For now, that's how he feels and what he says. Even if he knows it's not quite "right".

That, and they act like teens that want their parent's approval. i.e. "I don't want to make you mad, but..."

Par for the course, H. Par for the course.

The further you get away from the moment to moment the clearer you'll see these things. Takes time, but it'll become much clearer.

So what to do? Listen. Correct when needed, but listen. Don't argue about it. Just matter of fact. And let it soak. It may sink in fast or it may take years or he may not ever "get it". But don't hold it in either. Listen, speak when needed, and take the emotion out of it. Detach.

Make sense?

AJ