4my, it won't work if you are changing just to show WH you have changed. Otherwise the change isn't permanent, you change for you. In essence you said so to Sotto, when you are detached you are much more relaxed. Detachment is quite difficult to understand conceptually but when you 'know' that it's happening observe it. Ask yourself, when I am detached what am I feeling, doing, or saying?. Can I take that and rework it to other instances? It can be detached about anything, just observe it.

The reason the change isn't sticking more than a few days is I think you are not doing this for you but for the effect. It's like trying to fly to NewYork when the autopilot is set for Los Angeles, you can override the autopilot for a while with hard work in the pilots seat. Once you rest then the autopilot kicks back in. The autopilot (subconscious or limbic brain) needs resetting. This means change the belief (auto setting) first then the behaviour changes for good.

The basic interaction between yourself and WH is problematic I think. Unpleasant even, I think boundaries would help you. What are boundaries? They are lines drawn between yourself and another which state the nature of the interaction and behaviour.

For example if I say to my WH, I am cooking a meal do you want to eat? Then he says 'yes, what time?' And I say 7 o'clock. If he is not home that is a boundary violation. 'We agreed you would be home by 7, I was waiting, this is unreasonable' WH says ' I changed my mind' and I say 'if that happens please let me know, if you don't then I will not offer to cook again'.

I might also say next time ' I am cooking curry tonight, if you want some let me know by 6pm otherwise I will assume not'. So I state my wish, but am detached from if WH rings or not. I still have a delicious curry at the time of my choice.

So boundaries are those behaviours between myself and another that I hold and I enforce my boundaries. I remember I have no control over the other person. Someone with weak or no boundaries is as hard to live with as someone with inflexible boundaries.

I think a great 180 for you would be to decide on your core boundaries. Your IC can help you decide on these and how to enforce them.

Some of mine are:

"I will not be abused"
"I will be as generous as I can be"
"I will live in monogamy"
"I will be talked to respectfully, no swearing"

Some are my behaviours to others and others are about how I will be treated.

I like Al Turtle and the way he describes boundaries to teenagers via an example of a fort. You can google it. It really helped me.

I think by finding your boundaries, you will help with your interactions becoming someone only a fool would leave.

I like the way you have made choices instead of needs. If you google the three musts, you will decipher the reason for it. You can choose to set boundaries. Every choice you make is your responsibility, every choice your WH makes is his, including ranting and spewing. You can choose to have a boundary on it.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 08/14/15 02:21 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW