The worst part is my guilt. Grrrrrr... Reliving every stupid thing I did or didn't do over the last 6 months, year, 20 years. Sure, I probably wasn't as attentive as I should have been, and didn't tell her all those great things everyone likes to hear, but I felt the same way. The only thing that consoles me is that I didn't run away. Forgiving myself my part in this mess is vital.
Think of all that past stuff just as if you are driving on a freeway. You were just drving along, spacing out .. neglectful and you missed your exit. There is that impulse to slam the brakes but you know better, all you can do is safely merge over to the right ... and get off on the nearest exit ... mentally label this as DB Ave. Your GPS will re-route .. you will still get there, but you have to trust the GPS now as you are in an unfamiliar neighborhood.
Interesting take. I'm definitely in a rough neighborhood right now. :-) Thanks for it!
Being a fixer/protector, this letting go business (LRT) scares the poo out of me. Some days it seems like it is working, others not so much. But, I tend to read into every single word I see in an email. But, I know from Sandi's 37 rules, you can't believe much of what you hear.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
Now that I am coming out of the fog and working on GAL, it seems like GAL is what she wanted, and will allow her to walk away easier. Is this common? WAW/MLC guilt? Continue to be patient and ride the storm?
Here's the thing, we can't make someone love us. The harder we try to force those feelings, the less they want to be around us.....much less love us.
What your W is saying is very common for a WW. I would not say it's guilt. Forgive me for being blunt, but the WW who tries to get the H to GAL, is usually trying to get him to just move on and leave her alone. Not out of her guilt, but her selfishness.
The WW is concerned about her freedom. If you move on, she thinks it will free her up easier....and without all the pressure of you pursuing.
I'm not saying a WW never feels guilty about anything, but I am saying her selfishness outweighs the guilt in most instances.
You don't want her to stay with you out of guilt, pressure, pity, financial reasons, obligations, and/or maybe even religious beliefs. The only way you will have a good MR, is if she loves you. Right now, your feelings may be screaming that you want her back under any conditions or for any reason. If you can get your focus off her long enough to start enjoying your own life, I think you will see that you deserve a woman who appreciates and loves you.
Someday, your W may want to return. First, she has to have time to go through certain things. She has to get something worked out in her head, and maybe her life. If she doesn't have that time and the freedom to do it, then it will likely push her further in the opposite direction.
I'm not telling you to give up hope, or to stop loving her. I am telling you that it is usually when the H lets go of the emotional rope, before it draws her in closer.
Stay with us. Read other threads. You can do this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi! Big boost for me. You weren't blunt at all, in fact I needed that bit of reality. Sure, I want to make it work, 20 years of marriage is a long time, but I know it will be a lot of work if a reconciliation is to take place. Work for me too, I need a lot as well.
And yes, I think letting go of the emotional rope might just be what I have to do. Getting there.
Devouring every thread I can! Lots of great info!
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
3-4 weeks into this, she asked what was her part of the bills. So, I gave her a detailed list, house, car, insurance, internet, cable, cell, utilities, and a few misc things. She transferred the $$$.
She just sent another email asking the same thing. I'm just going to tell her cover her cell, car, and car insurance. Since she doesn't live here, I will handle the rest. Sound like a good plan?!?!?! Of course, be nice about it.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
Another 2 hour night of sleep last night. I wish I could get more consistent sleep. I went to bed early, took a Unisom and woke up 2 hours later, heart pounding, hot and cold flashes, tossing and turning. Tried everything, meditation, breathing exercises, but nothing helped. Even got up a few times. At least the weekend is here.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
Alright dc - sounds like you're having a tough time taking your mind away. Lot of focus on your W's craziness.
what kinds of stuff are you doing for you?
I've been on 2 5-mile walks with a friend, a 10 mile bike ride, and I have dinner/drinks with another friend on 2 other nights. Meeting an old co-worker today for an early dinner at a brew pub. I'm keeping busy, and GAL, it's just when I get to the house, I see us everywhere. Ugh!
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
I know how you feel about seeing your wife everywhere in your home, I feel the same way. I try to stay away as much as possible
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
I know how you feel about seeing your wife everywhere in your home, I feel the same way. I try to stay away as much as possible
Stinks for sure.
She came by to pick up a few things, mostly kitchen items. Best I can see, 4 plates, 4 glasses, a few utensils, cutting board, kitchen knife and some really crummy rum and vodka. I laughed when I came home and saw how little she left with. I'm dealing with a child. lol
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
