OK long post sorry. I will answer all of you first then I need to vent about H then I will dissect and share my part of it and explain a few things I am having trouble with!
Sotto- when I am disconnected from him I am not controlling, I am happy kind fun to be around and his best friend. (even he says this). How am I going to approach the nagging. I am not sure. Maybe a time-out?
V- Beliefs/fears that may keep this cycling. I think fear of unhappiness, abandonment, not reconnecting, being alone, financial burdens, As silly as it sounds I fear if I ask for something he will agree to it and it will change the dynamics, or he will guilt me. Do I think he will do these no he always says he will watch them if I want to go do something but I am so used to being let down I fear asking.
If I asked him to stay home and he did not have plans he would likely do it. If I asked and he did have plans he would just take kids to hang out with OW or say no.
Painter. I agree this is harder and harder to stay living here. It is shoved in my face daily. when we argue it is emotionally abusive by both of us. when I explain today's incident you will see this also. This is why detatchment is critical for me but I am just not sure how to do it. I am so co dependent and so needy of his attention I will take bad attention if I have to! I am Choosing to try to change this but I am just honestly not sure what to do!
Ok Todays sitch. I said something Monday about needing to go get gifts for D8 for her party saturday. He informed me he had plans Thursday and Friday. I worked overnight Sunday Monday and Tuesday (10pm-6am) when I got off at 6 I came home and watched kids until he got home around 5pm then I slept for 4 hours meaning not much time for shopping. When I called today to see if he was going out or if he was going with he told me we could go when he got off at 6 but he was not going to the town I wanted to go because he had to be home by 9 so he could go out with OW. Of course this upset me because I should be able to have his help with the party/shopping and I should be able to go where I want to not just be stuck due to him wanting to go out. Argument ensued With me telling him if he could not go with she was not getting gifts as I can not take her with me and buy them I needed him to go to distract her after we decided what she was getting. He in turn called me a selfish snide Bit*h and how I only want to have it my way and he can not stand to be around me and the only reason I want to go today is because he has plans with her. He is fu*king tired of me saying I will handle things and then not handling them. *which I did not do I asked several times for him to come. He tells me to shut up as I am trying to talk. Continues to tell me I will no longer be living her after the first of the year how he will just throw my stuff in the front yard and ect. I keep a calm voice try to explain to him that I do not care if he goes out but I would like to get her gifts. I then tell him the only reason he wants me to leave is so she can move in he then goes back on a rant about how he can not stand to be around me and why can't i get it through my think stupid head. I am of course crying by now and asking if this is how D8 deserves to be treated to not get gifts simply because he wants to go out. he of course states yes he will just go do it himself ect. I try appologizing about my part in this argument letting my emotions control me ect and he yells at me that he does not need to hear my bull$hit he does not care he cant stand me ect.
Ok so my part. I should have listened and validated that it is important to him that he go out. I should have just let it go and done it myself. I should have just STFU let him do what he wants and deal with it on my own it is MY D. I need to remember that he does not care about anything but himself right now and the time he gets with OW. I need to choose to stop pushing he away and fighting/arguing. I am not sure about what to believe and what not to. I know sandi says dont believe anything but he is so consistent with his words. He also ranted about how I cuddle up to him and treat him like my H when he is not my H never will be again and again cant stand me. Yet he is the one who initiated ML just last week. So do I believe him or what?
Ok Problems I am Having....I know what I SHOULD DO what I struggle with is putting it into action at the moment. Instead I let my frustration/anger/emotions run me. I need to just treat him like a neighbor but I do not know how to! I have read the detatchment thread several times but am really struggling to put it into action. I am sick of the cycle but am very unsure of how to change it/control myself. One thing I think will help me is goal setting so I will spend some time thinking about how I can turn some of this into goals.
V-what behavior can I change to make a 180? I think some 180's would be helpful to help me see I can change and show him I really am trying to be a better person. I do good for a few days to a week and then it is back to the same.
As stated in the beginning we got along really well in June but since the end of June it has been H*LL! I am CHOOSING to try to change but am not sure how to go about it. I am re reading DR Reading co-dependency and going back to weekly IC instead of every other week. I had IC today and told him I wanted to switch paths away from the Relationship focus to co-dependency detatchment. IC said I need to be able to say and feel like his choices do not affect me. I need to be able for example to say You can do what you feel is best and feel the same way inside. Please help me in understanding and looking for 180s and goals!
