H has started an affair

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, welcome to the club that no-one wants to join. I'm so sorry for your plight, but I am pleased you have found the forum. It's a great place to be and there are many wise people here. Most of the activity goes on in newcomers and infidelity (I used to post here) is quieter. I have moved over to the MLC area now, but when I was here I posted on threads in newcomers, and this brings people over to your thread too.

You could also consider moving to Newcomers if you fancy a busier spot - although it can be so busy you disappear off the front page pretty quick. I saw some advice about settling into the forum today I think. I'll look it out and post that too.

As for your H - I'm sorry to read that. From what you post, your H is deep in the throes of an A - and if he was gone all night, if may well have become a PA. From a health perspective, I would think carefully about intimacy with your H right now. I'm about to go for a sexual health check up as I was intimate with my H for a while before he disclosed his PA. You may want to have a look at Cherry's thread. She posts in the Piecing our M back together part of the forum and I thought of her when I read your sitch. Her H had a PA and they were reconciled and working on the M last I know. I don't think she's posted for a little while.

I would settle yourself in for a bumpy ride here and have a good think about boundaries. The thing about people in an A is they don't want to have to make a choice. They want to have cake and they want to eat it. They don't want to let go of OW, but they don't want to leave the family either. So have a good think about your own bottom line. Are you willing to carry on living together if he stays out all night? Willing to share a bed? Willing to be intimate? etc. Boundaries are not to punish others, they are to protect you and your family.

Be aware that A's are incredibly addictive and this may take some time to play out. But also be aware that hardly any turn into successful R's and most implode in a relatively short period of time (6 months to 2 years.) Also be aware that if you allow cake eating, the A is likely to last for longer, so a strong stance may help.

My H and I S as soon as he admitted his PA and (from a sanity POV) I don't regret that. He has just filed for D though. I have no idea if he is still with OW, tho things were rocky there last I heard.

The last things are - GAL, PMA and detach from a horrible situation which may pull you under if you let it. Can you post a little more about your M and why you think your H may have become vulnerable to an A??

Take care x