If she is hurting then why doesn't she stop her destructive behaviors?
Many times we don't know whats the cause of our pain, just that it hurts. Even if she did know the cause, it doesn't mean she knows how to stop it yet. Both things no one can tell her, she has to figure them out on her own the hard way.
I see it as they are trying to stop hurting, which is why they go to OM/OW and leave us. Process of elimination to find out whats the cause. One day(hopefully) they run out of the wrong things to try and see the right things.
Last edited by Fogg; 08/13/1501:33 AM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Yep. Always remember that nobody tries to make themselves suffer. Nobody tries to make themselves unhappy. They are doing their best, but they don't understand what is going on with them.
Usually, under stress, we devolve back to the core reactive habits we developed by about age 5. These are protective in the primary relationship w/ the parent, but they are the best a 5 year-old can come up with. They helped some, or they wouldn't have been adopted. The problem is for almost all of us, besides being not that effective in the complexities of adult life, we don't even realize that we return to these reflexively to particular R stimuli. You do this, I do this, she does this.
Even when we have figured out through insight & practice, it is really, really hard not to default to these reactive habits. Usually the best we can do is catch ourselves part way through & then work to disrupt the reaction.
It is the way we are wired. Evolutionarily, it helps us to attach & secure the bond w/ our primary caregivers, and this helps increase the chances that we survive to reproductive age & pass on our genes. It is one of the perversities that what helps us survive evolutionarily can leave us a bit f*cked up.
If you really want, you can explore this with yourself. When you do start to see how you do this it is humbling. That is one of the ways compassion for others builds. They're just like me. They may take it to a whole other level, but they struggle w/ this sh*t just like me.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
So birthday party is coming up Saturday, so do not want to go to this. It is all a show for everyone. I feel like a fraud and complicit in this fraud. But it is for my S10 right? Its his big day not mine. I fully understand this and will comply to the best of my ability.
I have withdrawn from any communication as I just can't deal right now with any more BS or demands. I am tring to do with this compassion and love. I am trying to focus on core feelings or worth and confidence and resillence and remove myself from any drama or judgement.
Everything feels so complicated right now. Just not feeling anything anymore.
I recall my S's birthday in 2014 ... same thing. W just had to put up the big show .... ironically also made sure that I was taking S and all his gifts afterwards because OM and her had plans. Was tough not to say F it and skip that party ... but like you said. Its about S ..... focus on that, sure all that surrounds the Bday might be tough for you ... but its his special day, constantly remind yourself of that till Saturday, make it about him ... we often as parents must sacrifice for our kids, this is one of those times. PMA...Fake it if you must but think about him and not so much about her.
God that must have been awful for you. You are indeed a strong and gracious man. I will think of you often Saturday as I grit my teeth through this, compassionately - haha!
Just keep telling yourself you will be good and you will. We often dont realize how much control we have over our emotions and feelings. If you go into it thinking it will be horrible it likely will. Tell yourself you're going to have a great time with your kids and believe it. HD is in control of HD, not W. You get to go to a birthday party with your kids, that's great! So have fun and be that awesome person you already know you are.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I AM GOING TO HAVE A GREAT TIME AT MY KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY. I WILL DO IT! I WILL MINGLE AND HAVE PMA!!
Fogg - you are right - we all keep ourselves in our own prisons if we want to. We can torture ourselves our not. I swear, I don't want to torture myself and life a happy life, it's just altered somewhat. The focus point has moved a bit that's all. Its all relative, kind of like mortality right? Haha!
Good PMA. Don't get all caught in spinning fantasies about what will happen. Likely all 3 of you will be nervous, wary, and trying not to provoke anything. If anyone does, laugh, shrug, shake your head, or whatever seems appropriate & turn back to your S.
As hard as it is, it might be a turning point in your acceptance & detachment that helps you truly turn most of your focus on you & your well-being. Not necessarily closing off possibility of later reconciliation, but not getting stuck in the limbo of a life disrupted.
Hang in there. It will be over in a few days.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
HD is in control of HD, not W. You get to go to a birthday party with your kids, that's great! So have fun and be that awesome person you already know you are.