First let me express how immensely grateful I am to have found this site. I have been reading post after post for about a month. I figure it is time for me to join in on the discussions. I have read Sandie's 37 (amazing list) RobX Detaching (Great Read), as well as some of your stories.
I am now in my second month of separation and to say the least it has been hard, everyday I have to pick myself up and dust myself off. Like everyone else I have beg, pleaded, bargained with my W, all with no success.
I am currently in the detachment process and continue to work towards not pursuing, seeing needy, and just letting her go.
A bit of a background on my Sitch. W and I have been together for 10 years and M for 3, we have 2 beautiful sons (7 and 14 months). The first years of our relationship are clouded with very bad memories. The first few years were bad, I was a serial cheater, always have been, it was something that in IC I have learned it was from my culture and upbringing (Not excusing it). We stuck together and my journey hasn't been easy, so I know I have contributed a lot to my current situation. I have done a 180 and focused on my M, I started reaching out for connection, but by this time she had already checked out, unbeknownst to me. I should have seen her detachment but like every other LBS here, I wasn't paying much attention.
Once I decide to fully commit to our M, and to give her all of me. We started going to MC, I thought it was going well. Then one weekend while she returned from a business trip (she travels a lot), I managed to get a babysitter for our kids, so that we can go out and have some fun. We ended up getting into an argument and the next day she BD.
I recently found out that a month after DB, she was already flirting with other men, she has been talking to one a lot lately and has had dinner with him recently while away on business.
I am suffering a lot, I miss my wife and stressed the fact that my family is falling apart. I carry the guilt of what I have done to her, the hurt I caused her, and have done everything for years to try and mend it. I get the "you are a great person, a great father, but you were not a great husband" "I love you but not in love with you" it is so hard to believe, we were fixing our marriage, we were affectionate up until the argument (Which was the last nail in the coffin). I know how I have contributed to the failing of my marriage, and I go back and forth on what I should do, I understand why she feels the way she does and don't know whether this salvageable. I haven't lost hope in reconciliation, I know this marriage is over but I at least hope that I can build a new one with her some time in the future.
Sorry if I am all over the place. I just wanted to share something with all the amazing people whose posts I have been reading and have been helpful to me.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You sound like you're going along in the right direction, you seem to acknowledge your mistakes and what you need to do. Let your actions show meaning to her, whatever she is going to do she is going to do , you cannot change that anymore, as hard as it may be for you to try and fix the situation, it is broken.
Time to be the best you there is, be the better option, no more arguing, learn to live life on your own without being a jerk to her, gain yourself confidence back and go to church, it helps keep faith and hope! Good luck, w'll be praying for you and your family.
I have definitely realized the mistakes and feel much remorse for the hurt I have caused her. It is interesting you mentioned church, I have had this itching to go back, I am going to go ahead and plan that.
I know their is a consensus here about not leaving the MBR or the Home. With this new EA that she is starting, the constant texting, the guilt I carry for putting us here (her blaming me doesn't help me either). I have been thinking of completely moving out to my mom's house, and then finally to my own apartment while I detach. Is this a good idea?
I have been good in following Sandie's 37 as of recent. I don't ask questions, I don't pursue, don't call/text, etc. I just can't handle the disrespect at home, especially in front of the kids.
She is trying to be friendly (I am her only support where we live), but this too sometimes throws me off my footing. When she is away on business, I feel good, in control of my emotions, so I am hoping that doing the same by leaving the home would be good for me. I love her, but I also love myself.
I am still hopeful that we can one day build a new marriage, but for now, I continue with what has been helping me. Reading Sandie's 37 every morning, as well as RobX detaching, meditating, exercising. I have been working on my GAL plan, have done some surfing, will be taking sailing lessons soon. etc.
I truly appreciate the support.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I have been thinking of completely moving out to my mom's house, and then finally to my own apartment while I detach. Is this a good idea?
I have been good in following Sandie's 37 as of recent. I don't ask questions, I don't pursue, don't call/text, etc. I just can't handle the disrespect at home, especially in front of the kids.
She is trying to be friendly (I am her only support where we live), but this too sometimes throws me off my footing. When she is away on business, I feel good, in control of my emotions, so I am hoping that doing the same by leaving the home would be good for me. I love her, but I also love myself.
I am still hopeful that we can one day build a new marriage, but for now, I continue with what has been helping me. Reading Sandie's 37 every morning, as well as RobX detaching, meditating, exercising. I have been working on my GAL plan, have done some surfing, will be taking sailing lessons soon. etc.
I truly appreciate the support.
Why are you going to move so she can bring the OM in your home? Also that doesn't look good in court when she is asking for alimony etc.
The husband left the marital home and the kids so give me all his money... and no visitation rights.. Is that what you want?
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME.
As far as texting goes, there is nothing you can do about that, it might not even be him, you don't know whom she's texting. So drop the rope.. Let her be.
I can tell you I too was living with my spouse like that for months. Very weird and awkward until she finally moved out. We both got some needed space.
Things will turn around, go to church like you have been wanting to go, turn your wife over to GOD and live your life, do new things, new activities, meet new people, be friendly and helpful. Love always wins my friend!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You are right. I have been thinking about it in the sense of getting a peace of mind. I am working on detaching and understand that it is a long process but ultimately it will be best for me.
Last night I was sitting in bed pondering if my best approach is to ask her to leave the house being that she is the one that wants out of the M. During our M, I took a more supportive role (nothing wrong with that) but it seems she expects this to continue even though she wants to leave and look for greener pastures. As much as I love my wife I keep referring back to this line on a post that Ghost56 re-posted called "The star is inside of YOU":
"Are you afraid to tell your spouse to stop texing OM/OW in front of you? Why? YOU matter! You are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT too. YOUR feelings do matter."
This resonates with me, but of course I don't want to create turmoil right now, this is the FEAR that he mentions in the same post.
I will continue to work with my current sitch, detaching, hoping for the best, GALing and working on myself. Church is definitely in the future for me, I have had this urge to go back and settle into it.
Thank You for the support and your time in responding.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I think moving out of your home is a big mistake. Separate bedrooms is one thing but how does moving out make the marriage better? You have to be in it to win it.
I have made a mess of my life so take my advice with a grain of salt.
I personally if I knew for a FACT that she was texting another man, I would have asked her to stop doing that in the marital home until she moved out.
You are right if she is the one that wonts to leave the marriage, then she should figure out where she is going to live moving forward.
Separate finances and such, the sooner the better so she gets a wake up call as to how its going to be as far as stability. again this is my opinion, waiting for the Vets to come and chime in.
EMM - make sure you REALLY understand your rights before you leave. Sometimes, if you just move out, you can unknowingly be giving up a lot in the custody arrangement and/or in spousal support. In general, my opinion is that if she wants to separate, SHE can leave.
