MLC SEPERATED AND NO CHANGE PART 3

[asitis]

I think the after school pick up is fine if you can take advantage of it, but why don't you suggest one of those evenings, he take S to dinner & have him back around X:00 (you pick the time). Make it a fixed evening. That way you get a longer break to do things w/ friends or do some evening activity (take an art class, do yoga, join a discussion group/book/movie group, etc.).

On the anger w/ the S, he needs to do some work, and it is not inappropriate to schedule a sit down to discuss this w/ him in a non-critical, supportive, brain-storming way. Make clear that you aren't going to lay blame, but just want to help him & your S develop a better R, esp. at this difficult time in all your lives.

You can do the same thing w/ S too. When you sit down, start w/ the I'm not here to be critical or blame. Then ask him what he thinks might improve his R w/ dad. Laugh off the inevitable comment about dad being less of an a*shole, but stick to it. He may feign indifference and lack of interest in trying, but this is just a front. He really does want desperately to improve his R w/ his dad, but because of this really painful need older kids & teens puts on the armor of indifference at a certain point. It has to be when he is in a relatively relaxed, good mood, and certainly not right after dad & he have gone at each other (if dad has blown up & he is clearly hurt, that is a fine time, but not if he is angry or resentful at dad). This one doesn't need to be planned, and is perhaps better to strike when the moment feels right.

How old is your S again?

Talk to both of them like you respect their opinion and have confidence that they can come up w/ ideas to help their sitch. Listen & validate. Compliment w/ some enthusiasm when they have a good idea. Ask questions rather that offer solutions, or offer solutions like "do you think this might help?" Let's them feel good about what they are doing and have some hope. Be realistic about this taking work.

The bonus can be that you have them feel good about collaborating w/ them.