XH was at the house when I got there. He was his usual very caring and polite. I went straight to business, resolved two accounts and then I had a coffee.
XH decided to have a cup of tea like it is his house and everything is normal. I then asked him about the house key. He was surprised I asked him. I said that it its just normal since that is not his house anymore.
XH cried and said that he is the only one to blame for so much pain. That he is an idiot and was blind for so long that now he can just regret his choices and will try to learn from his many mistakes.
I told him that I sure share in the blame, the only difference is that I deal with problems a little different. He then reminded me that I always said that if there is a problem, one needs to get the hands dirty.
Well, all the same. I love you, never stop loving you. Does not know how I will deal with my life in this big mess. I am broke and need to face the consequences of my decisions. I am not engaged in any R, and blah, blah, blah.
At this point I said that I was leaving. The kids asked me when I was coming back and I said around 10 0r 10:30pm. Then the kids asked me if this was the job meeting and I said that was something like that.
XH was taking the kids out to dinner. That is also changing, he is getting closer to the boys, is talking more with them. It seems like after the D he became another person. More humble, more down on himself, like he suddenly saw what he is doing.
I don't know what will happen. But I thought about and I can't drag myself into the pit. It has taken all my energy and I am not focusing in my own life. Whatever XH is around, it is all tears, and regrets and R talks.
It need to stop, so I decided to DB this situation. Seems like my D was just a piece of paper after all, because our situation is still the same. Even more intense right now.
It could be the effects of seeing it all done, but I know XH and I see that somehow he is changing. He is somehow seeing things a little more clear now. His words ( and I know...don't believe what they say) but the words are more of self analyses. All the stubbornness, all the egocentric attitude, his way of dealing with conflict and pain, his reactions to others. He seems like having a self check book and is really upset he has done so much wrongs that destroyed his life.
Well I need to move forward, I need to find a balance in between having him around and in this huge conflict and making myself better.
I have been reading TOs story, and it's amazing how much she endured to save her marriage.
I want to start reading 25 story, she tells that she had a year making many mistakes and finally found that balance accepting that her only chance to repair her marriage was letting go of the old and attracting her Hubby with new. She transformed herself into a person only a fool would leave and that's what I need to concentrate right now.
After all, if he never takes that step to realize his family is his life, then at least I will be feeling better about myself.
So today I will start looking forward. It's not about dancing, going out with friends, doing a zumba class. It's all of that and it is rewriting my future. I will concentrate my energy into what I want for a career path, listing my bad habits and finding the way to change what I don't like, I want and I will be the person I left behind somewhere.
I basically had enough and all what I am doing is not working for me. I know H is noticing my changes, but right now it is not enough for myself. Right now it became much more then just him noticing some little changes on me. I know myself and I am faking and living an illusion of change.
I need some core changes, I need to rescue myself from this mud I have been swimming in for too long.
Starting today, I will take charge on my own life and I will do my best to help others in this board and get all the help I can to make the real DB work. Funny ahn, doing DB work when I am post D. But this is what happen to me and instead of ignoring it, I will embrace it.
From the bottom of my heart I can only say that you all have been a life saver to me. I do not have family in this country, I felt really alone sometimes, the insecurity played big on my journey. But you all did comfort me, gave me the courage to stand up for myself, supported me in my bad and good decisions, gave advices that are changing my life.
I found good people with an amazing heart here, humble people willing to look into themselves and doing very hard work to become better people to others. I found values that matter in life, friends that have no face but have the most beautiful intentions.
You are all part of my journey and I am not at the bottom, I am not in a million pieces all the time, I am not depressed and discouraged feeling sorry for myself... it all because of you.
Thank you for all you did and are doing for me, my life is better because of YOU!!!!
