The symptoms you see in a WW is very similar to MLC. I think with MLC (and I am certainly no expert here) is that something can happen to set the crisis in motion. The loss of a very close friend/relative, financial ruin, loss of employment, unfulfilled expectations/dreams/goals, fear of getting old or dying, and much more. There is often some unresolved childhood issues from their past. (The wayward spouse can have the same experiences, but it may not trigger the crisis, as with midlifers.
What I find interesting, and perhaps you LBS's can answer, are the numerous LBH's who seem to be more acceptant to the idea their W is having a MLC than being a WW. He will often suggest it, before resigning to her being wayward......or even a WAW. I don't get it. To me, a MLC is much worse b/c it includes the waywardness, in addition to all the other things involved in MLC, and can take a lot longer.
So why would a LBS rather believe it is MLC? Is b/c that makes more sense than a wayward spouse? If so, why?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's easier to accept our W may be having a MLC because that shows they are working through something about them and have an internal issue. With a WW it feels more like we weren't good enough and they fell in love with someone else. I guess we just take it much more personal this way.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I can see why people would want to put the MLC label on. IMO, we need to be so careful with labels and 'pigeonholing' people.
With MLC - there is an element of 'they can't help it' and 'you didn't cause it.' So, in a way it is more comfortable if you can think - this was unavoidable! But, whilst that may help with the pain - it's not that helpful for the personal introspection that needs to happen. I think it can help with forgiveness. My H has done some pretty awful things - but I understand more what is happening if he is in MLC.
When I first came on to the forum, I had a look at the MLC section and thought - WOAH! - I hope my H is just wayward. But actually, I do think he is having a MLC, and that is where I post now.
The downside of MLC is the timescale, which extends to years in most cases. As Cali said - there is a need for the LBS to detach and be patient - live our own lives - in order to survive and thrive.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think we do a dis-service trying to figure out what the differences are between a WAS and an MLC however that is just my opinion. Trying to diagnose a spouse and to know what is going on in their head is mostly mind reading. Their are so many other factors that can be at play that are all undiagnosed.
My mother is bipolar and during her mid life crisis never had another person, left my father and her bipolar got much worse, to the point of un-controllable. Now later in life she is still bipolar but older and slower. Depression in the U.S. can effect millions of people and mostly is under reported and untreated.
Childhood issues certainly play a part in MLC, however most of that happens before most of us meet our partners, so how do you know if they will rear their ugly heads later in life. Their is much more similarity between the two types MLC and WAS than their are differences. Best to just to keep the focus on ourselves, anything else is also non-productive and not really in the spirit of DB.
I was stuck for a long time at the beginning of my sitch trying to figure out if my W was WW, WAS, MLC, depressed W, etc. Fact is shows characteristics of all of them and what I needed to be doing didn't change much anyway. The energy I invested in trying to determine what she was was much greater than just figuring out what I needed to be doing.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I agree with all of you whole heartedly! I was only asking the question as a "just in case" because there are many thing in our lives which could have triggered a crisis... I'm not sure what it is, and really it doesn't matter because all 3 scenarios are handled the same way.
The big thing that has me wondering about a C is when we got engaged, the next morning she was crying while looking at the ring. I asked what was wrong and she replied, my mom isn't going to be there to see me get married. It's like 13 years later that reality set in? From there it was a matter of weeks until she moved out...
Prior to that she saw me in a vulnerable state. My uncle passed away and I took it pretty hard. Then our close friends home burned down while they slept. They thankfully made it out alive but it was close. That brought out more things in my closet. That friend and myself lost 11 friends/relatives in a fire in 98'. It was a rough couple of months around our house but I thought we made it out of the storm. That was when I decided to propose and give us something to look forward to in a positive light. Something I should have done a few years prior but it seemed like the right time when I did it?
Well proposal was on Mother's Day weekend and that may have been bad timing on my part (looking back now). Mother's Day was always rough for her and I thought with getting engaged it would put some good on that day. Not erase the bad but give it a light through what was usually darkness for her.
Anyway, ramble over. I got a bit sidetracked in background but any of those things I feel may have triggered something? Up until that point we would ML 3 times a week on average. Since the day we got engaged, nothing...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
I have you ever heard this. There is a food that will stop women from ever wanting to ML again.--Wedding Cake.
Thought that was funny the first time I heard it. Not to make light of your sitch, but many marriages go through the reduced love making after the engagement or marriage. It is hard to say what caused it in your sitch.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Haha, yeah I've heard of that! I always joked with her that I wasn't gonna marry her because I don't want the sex life to slow down! Haha she did know I was joking and we both always laughed when I would say it.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
I just read "midlife for dummies" over on fdu's thread. Cadet posted a link for it. It all sounds like what I always thought was going through XF's head these past few months. Haha
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
