legally separating

[HeavyD]

That is exactly what happened in my situation, W takes an Affair Partner, refuses to end it, moves out, I file legal separation and she counters with Divorce.

My L said this is not uncommon and is a natural reaction to "What you served me with a separation, well then here is a Divorce!" kind of thing. Its very immature in my opinion.

Yes, in my case too, I was trying to hold on with a separation. Obviously it did not work.

I suggest not telling your H anything else about what you are planning to do legal wise. It is showing your hand. This will work against you. Stop talking to your H about your D, let the lawyers talk it out. Anything you say will be used against you. It's tough to hear, but the truth. You were trying to be transparent, and do the right thing. He on the other hand has betrayed you, lied to you and is now divorcing you all while crying he doesn't like hurting you. Really? How is he trying not to hurt you? His actions have proved otherwise.

I am really sorry you are going though this.

[Cadet]

This is to answer your question about a new thread, in addition to what I posted where you asked the question.


How to get more people to POST on my thread?

To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.

Keep posting!

[Zelda09]

Becky,

Put a signature in your profile please, it'll help keep everyone reminded of your sitch.

Obsession/hope - all part of the same thing that will destroy you, ask me how I know. Try to find the balance of sitting with your feelings and then getting out of your head and doing something distracting and good for you.

I just spoke with my mediator, and you may find it helpful to view your H's actions under this, "These are never painless affairs for anyone, whether the plaintiff or the respondent. Even the people that want the divorce hurt. They go numb, they get angry, feel guilty...it doesn't mean they don't want the divorce."

Kramer and his WW got back together. But she got dumped by her OM, that was the lynch pin I think. Kramer did a remarkable job of showing nothing but self respect and confidence in moving forward throughout those months, and that had a lot to do with it.

Check out Mozza's links to other success stories if you want to get a feel for how drawing back looks like - but you could do everything 'right' and still not be able to save your M. Even MWD points that out in her DR book.

Google the Stockdale paradox and brace yourself.

[Cadet]

I seriously doubt there is any hope but I would love to hear from someone who actually had a situation like this work out.

There is always hope as long as that is something that you carry within you.

When you give up HOPE that is when it ends.

Yes I have seen sichs like this turn around.

Starsky is the first one that comes to mind, and he continue to post on the forum.

[beckyb]

Thanks everyone for the response. Unfortunately I did tell H of my decision to abandon the Separation. I know I should not have. He is in the process of moving out and I know he won't take all his stuff. I will have to change the locks and deal with that.

M - 53
H - 48
DB - May 15
E June 15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H counter files for divorce 8/15

[beckyb]

I'm having a very hard time this morning. Nauseous, lots of anxiety. Really scared about the future and really angry that H has left me alone and childless at my age. Also very angry that he decided he was done with the marriage before I even had a clue. I still believe his depression and MLC left him vulnerable to OW, but still he made the choice. H has chronic neck pain issues. In the last three years he's had 2 surgeries to try to fix that, lost both his parent, diagnosed with prostate cancer and had prostate removed, been our of work a lot with no guarantee of going back. When he had his prostate removed and then was told he might not have a job is when everything really went done hill.

Not sure I want him and all his problems back again so why am I having such a hard time moving on?

Me - 53
H - 48
Together 13 yrs
No children together
BD - May 15
EA confirmed June 15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H counter files for divorce 8/15

[Sotto]

Hi Becky, sorry you're having a rough morning. How you feel is completely understandable - this is such a tough time. Do see your doctor or an IC if you need support, and make looking after yourself a priority - reading, gentle walks, meditation, run a bath, see friends, eat good food. Whatever helps you feel better.

The best advice I can give you about H is - aim to keep your head above water and get yourself onto a steady course. There is no need to make any big decisions about your future with H. It is early days, you are angry and scared, which isn't a good mindset for making good decisions. Best to take that pressure off yourself for now.

Take care xx

[Avanti]

Beckyb, I am new to your sitch, what strikes me is that you are worrying about your H when you have no control over him and you are letting your mind runaway with you, probably down some very dark alleys.

Take a moment now and take a deep breath, then let it go slowly. If it hasn't helped do it again until you get some relief and you feel more in control.

You really do need to start the process of detaching (the link to it will be in an early post on your thread by Cadet). There is quite a lot to deal with there so find a chunk that you can embrace today and go work on it, then go back and repeat, by doing this you'll soon find you've come a long way as you will feel so much better.

You also need to work on how you think about things and learn to gently take control of your mind and have it deal with your thoughts so much better than it does currently.

There are many ways to do that, I find Mindfulness (originated and still researched at the University of Oxford, UK) incredibly helpful. It's scientifically proven to help with stress and anxiety and may take a while to help you but when it does you'll feel like a million dollars. When I really started practising it I went from a gibbering, needy wreck to in control, rational and confident about the way forward in a matter of days, maybe a week or two tops.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck and keep posting the people here will undoubtedly help you in your journey no matter where you are in it.

[Azzork]

Becky -
One thing that has helped me is to reframe my
Mindset a little.

There is no point in wondering if you'd take back your H right now, because he is not interested in reconciling with you. So, take the focus off of that and put it on you. Work on getting to a healthy state of detachment, work on getting YOUR life back together, work on improving YOU and so on.

Then, if, one day, your H decides he wants to reconcile, THATS when you'll be able to decide if that's what you still want.

[beckyb]

I talked to my DB coach this morning which always helps me put the focus back on me. It's definitely time to go dark, which I will be able to do pretty well I think. Now we can communicate about divorce stuff via lawyers. H will want be in the house soon to get the rest of his stuff. We talked about a strategy for that.

He also suggested to look for an opportunity to do a 180. H and I used to be playful together. He said if there is an opportunity look for an opportunity to tell a joke. Not sure how to do that while going dark?

I have accepted the fact that this will end in divorce barring a miracle. A little part of my heart still wants that miracle

Me - 53
H - 48
Together 13 yrs
No children together
BD - May '15
EA confirmed June '15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H counter files for divorce 8/15