Thanks for the advice Sandi. I know you are right but it is hard. We have had several talks since my last post. She keeps saying that I do not know what she is doing regarding the EA so I believe that my thoughts that he likes to talk but when she was thinking of making it real it was cramping his style. She asked me yesterday about getting a realtor to sell the house. I told her that I did not want to sell the house but if that is what she wants she can do all the work. I will sign the paperwork but will not go out and get a realtor. She got into a huge fight with my 26d on the phone last night. Then see comes into the house and tries to start a fight with me because I washed clothes and i included her clothes with the families. She tells me she can do it. I told her I know but I was just trying to take away some of the tension in the house with is what she said her goal was.... to have no tension. But she causes all the tension. I try to be civil but nothing suits her. She tells me its over but then wants to sit down and talk to me about an arguement we got into the night before. If she doesn't care why does the arguement matter. Her EA is 500 miles away. We do sleep in the same bed but have not had sex since March. She has gradually pulled away from me. When I first found out she would still kiss and give me somewhat of a hug. Now I can not even touch her. I need to get the book but I am just getting back to work and have not been able to get it. I am on the road some and I don't want it to come while im gone and she open the package. I really don't know if she thinks about what I'm doing or losing me. I wish she did. I know I went out with a male friend to a hockey game a few months ago and I did not tell her who or where I was going and she did get jealous.
Read up on your sitch Mavrik. The in house separation is very difficult so I understand how that feels. Try your best to just leave her be (don't be cold or ignore her) and allow her to just figure things out. Don't contribute to her chaos. When she tries to bait you into an argument try not to let yourself be pulled in. If shes saying something irrational that is pushing your buttons and trying to start an argument, resist it. Like when she came at you to fight about you washing her clothes, just say ok and don't wash them anymore. You don't need to explain it because shes just looking to make you react.
Keep being civil to her and don't react to her attempts to drag you in. In time when she keeps trying to fight you over and over and it doesn't get the reaction she wants she will calm it down. That can take a long time thought. Focus of your life and moving forward with it and let her figure out her own issues. If she comes back you can then figure out what happens. You will learn you really have the power here even when shes the one leaving and filing for D.
You should be able to find the book in a store, you don't need to order it online. Try there first so you can get it asap.
Last edited by Fogg; 08/13/1501:40 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks Fogg, You are right. I got into the last arguement I am going to let her pull me into. I am going to do what you said but the problem is she told me she is leaving. When I asked her when she said that she didn't know the details. She wants to move back with her mom (and leave her 2 children). As a friend from her hometown told me, I don't understand, her family meant everything to her. But when her Dad died things changed. He became larger than life. He was unfaithful to his wife but her mother stayed with him. He hardly ever told her that he loved her. They just did not have a huggy type relationship. She has to find a job first and I know she was looking today for employment near her mom. I know people have said to stay off her FB but I have access to her FB account and I am gathering evidence in case of a divorce. Her EA sent her a winking emoji today and she sent him back 2 words. You know. Thats not good. But he did not respond. I think he likes talking but not sure he wants a relationship. She told me her plan right now was to have no tention in the house but she brings all the tension into the house. no one bothers her and she has all the problems. I truly believe she is suffering from Depression.
We are done. She told me tonight that she cant live on her own. can't live on my own. She doesn't want to move 500 miles away to her moms so she has no choice but to stay at the house. I said, You could choose to try and work on our marriage. She said that there was nothing to work on. She later said she would never trust me again and i would never trust her again
She later said she would never trust me again and i would never trust her again
She said she couldn't trust YOU? Classic. See how a WW twists things around?
So, where does this leave you? Are you going to live with a woman who is having some sort of an A with another man?
I think she will call it in-house separation, which means she has all the advantages of M without the responsibilities. In other words, she continues being wayward. If you balk about something, she will scream "we are separated and I can do whatever I want". However, she will expect the same privileges she's always had as your W. In-house S is not pleasant b/c it's not really a S. You are still thrown together with all the problems, and your stress level can go through the roof as she goes on her merry way and leaves you to take care of house, kids, bills, etc.
Just giving you fair warning. She seems to be the one who calls the shots, so I'd be very careful, if I were you. If this is not what you want, then don't accept it. Oh, and don't keep on suggesting she works on the M. That is not going to happen, as far as she's concerned. You have no idea how much you hurt your chances when you bring up that subject. It is totally disgusting, is pressuring, and looks very pathetic to a WW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think she will call it in-house separation, which means she has all the advantages of M without the responsibilities. In other words, she continues being wayward. If you balk about something, she will scream "we are separated and I can do whatever I want". However, she will expect the same privileges she's always had as your W. In-house S is not pleasant b/c it's not really a S. You are still thrown together with all the problems, and your stress level can go through the roof as she goes on her merry way and leaves you to take care of house, kids, bills, etc.
This is so TRUE!! Even though I wanted to work on our marriage, when my WW moved out, my stress level dropped like crazy!! I was very detached by the time she left also. By being detached and my stress level dropping, I was better able to be there for my kids and work on myself.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Ok, I understand what everyone is saying. I know I need to stop with the lets work on the marriage and I am done with that. She is talking about leaving her family 2 kids and moving out of state 500 miles away. I think that might be best because I think she will see that the grass isn't greener. She has been very conflicted about leaving. She is in depression. Comes home and straight to bed at 6:30pm with no dinner. She won't talk to me. So how do I fix that? When I have detached she has made comments about me putting things on FB about having a good time. I told her I am moving on and I'm sorry if she doesn't like that. How do I get her to talk to me? how do we ever work anything out if we don't communicate.
Also I'm not sure about the EA anymore. I think that he likes the texting and talking but once she started talking about moving closer to him he started to back off. I have seen were he was on a motorcycle ride with another woman. I told my wife that I thought that he liked talking but when she started talking about moving he backed off because she was cramping his style. She chuckled and said you think so. I said yes because if he didn't you would have already left to be with him. She was silent. I can't make her leave because her name is on the mortgage and I be damned if I am leaving.
She won't talk to me. So how do I fix that? When I have detached she has made comments about me putting things on FB about having a good time. I told her I am moving on and I'm sorry if she doesn't like that. How do I get her to talk to me? how do we ever work anything out if we don't communicate.
You cant fix it. You cant MAKE her talk to you. Worry about you, and if she wants to talk, she will.
But why did you tell her youre moving on? Are you? It sounds like you are still committed to this relationship. Why say that you arent...?
Originally Posted By: Mavrik
Also I'm not sure about the EA anymore. I think that he likes the texting and talking but once she started talking about moving closer to him he started to back off. I have seen were he was on a motorcycle ride with another woman. I told my wife that I thought that he liked talking but when she started talking about moving he backed off because she was cramping his style. She chuckled and said you think so. I said yes because if he didn't you would have already left to be with him. She was silent. I can't make her leave because her name is on the mortgage and I be damned if I am leaving.
Why bring it up? The way I see it, every time you bring up the A, you give it more power. Just let her worry about it. Why challenge her on it?
