Zelda - Baby One More Time

[asitis]

OK Z, deep breaths. You think you embarrassed yourself in a restaurant in front of your family. Family probably thinking poor Z has had it rough & is allowed to breakdown a bit - lots of sympathy and compassion (OK, maybe too optimistic, but maybe not too much). So, you start judging yourself using your imagination about them judging you. See the mismatch yet?

Z needs to show herself some damn compassion. She's been through a hell of a lot. Z needs to not expect to be 100% in control of herself. She is human and under a lot of stress. Z needs to stop imagining that people are judging her harshly, and she needs to stop worrying about it if they do.

Where do you think this drive to be able to control everything, including yourself come from? Not fidgiting mother? Definitely something to explore.

[I'm not going to state my guess, but you can probably figure where I'm headed & its impact on your R w/ XH?]

Now a book recommendation: Kristen Neff, Self-Compassion. Highly recommend for you (really for everyone).

Know that while I'm not a control freak, I definitely have the fix it gene/socialization combo, hate being judged, and really have had to wrestle w/ self-criticism & needing to be good enough. So, I have a lot of first hand experience on how it can really muck up an R & leave one w/ drive to go back and fix the damage relationship and win back the good judgment of my spouse. You can't start to deal w/ that until you start to show yourself some compassion, some forgiveness for being merely human, and see where that is coming from and how much harm it is doing to you and your Rs. So, please forgive yourself for your supposed falling apart in front of your family in a restaurant (did the uncle even notice? ), and give yourself a good dose of Z is doing really, really well under the circumstances and console yourself the way you would a close friend.

And, for goodness sake don't call the guy and wonder if this is what he really wanted. Let the damn dust settle.