Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zelda09]

V, that's it - I have a hard time letting go of anything until I feel I've fixed it, mastered it, or sculpted it the way it is in my mind and it needs to be. My female bestie has joked with me I have an idiot savant level of focus and tenacity. Maybe that is what you are getting at -

yes, I would keep on until I got the answer I wanted- that answer being STBX sand I finally perfecting our communication so no more buttons, I could talk with him in a way he'd trust and id be that better listener for him, that none of the events from that night ever hsppened, not the way I thought. He wasn't smirking, it was just in my imagination.

Yes, maybe 'e' too. The dreams are hard to give up.

IDk what keeps me from keeping on. I dread contact bc of anxiety, his responses and nastiness are so hurtful. I know rationally this is for the best and very little stands to change.

But it feels like a daily war, that rationsl side vs what I've been calling the emotional side - which maybe Is just my unwilling to let it go side. Unwilling to have failed. Emotionally, I do miss him. But that's a deep tangle of resentment and hurt, too.