Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zelda09]

V- b,c,d. Yes.

A- I think you nailed it for me. Helpless. It is terrifying. My biggest trigger is being lost, not making sense of directions, electronics, basic mechanics...any of it is liable to send me into fits of anger where I know it's no ones fault, but I lash out anyway. My earliest nightmares, 4/5 yo, being in a car and not knowing how to drive it. Angrily throwing shoes across the room bc I couldn't lace them and then spending hours teaching myself. UN-fixing things as a child/teen I'd begrudgingly accepted help for, just to prove I could do it by myself, fix it, get it, whatever. Homework help, anything met with frustration and impatience, anger spilling everywhere. Hurling myself down a black diamond slope full of moguls for over eight hours because I could see where I was messing up but couldn't seem to get my body to react how I needed. Angrily sulking on the lifts back up with my bf who was trying to lighten the mood. The upside to all this is I am accomplished as
An athlete, musician, artist, have fixed plumbing and ac units and that level of 'focus' has generally served me well in gettin it done.

I've never understood why I get so so so upset at being lost. I did this in Paris and seethed for over 20 minutes at no one in particular. After the storm I can barely relate to the feeling, it seems silly.

Tonight I embarassed myself at a family dinner. My uncle said something flippant that landed like a lead balloon. My aunt was asking questions of me that I had no interest in, just stupid stuff. My mom was fidgeting nervously beside me. I was trying to cut everyone short, I could feel tears is been holding down all afternoon. My uncle asked if I was still working in project x/livelihood...my curt no..,I broke eye contact and it just felt relentless and I said to them all, "you know what would be great, if we can talk about anything else besides me, if you will all please quit staring at me." I excused myself and went to the bathroom and cried it out. In an effing restaurant. I felt my head coming apart in the stall, total loss of reality, everything g seemed so tragic, like an overtired baby.

I've caught myself doing this before, getting defensive and curt with polite conversation and small talk that feels intrusive and boring all at the same time. I get profoundly annoyed to the point of rudeness. This is my problem. It's only when I'm in a bad place that im like this though where I just want to be a fly on the walk and yet I go do the things and see the people.

I just feel like gears are slipping in a bad way. My head is a turbulent mess, I'm crying more these days than at any other time, I feel like STBX knew what he was talking about, me just an unhappy petson.