have i been making mistaked too long. part 2

[Huddy]

Too right. We've all been here and wondered if we're doing the right thing. You will notice things, just don't give up.

[tkdmme]

cadet,

Thanks for the reply, I do believe in the LRT and the changes I am making are real for me. Its weird but I am thankful for what has happened because it has opened my eyes to the way that I was living. I hate my situation but I needed an eye opener. This has brought me closer than ever to my children and they can really see the changes. My D12 has made numerous comments that she loves the new me. Overall my kids have opened up to me and telling me all about their lives. This is something that was lacking in the past.

[tkdmme]

My W told me on 8/3/15 that she and the kids were moving in with her mother. That was the same day I decided to really start working on LRT. We haven't had any M and R talks since then. Also, she is still in the house and I have not noticed her making any arrangements to move out.

This may sound like a stupid question. Should I ask her if she still plans on moving out? I have not brought it up and neither has she. we have not been fighting and I am making progress on the LRT. I know I have read that it is easier to detach from a W if she is not still in the house. Im just wondering what to do. I think from what I am learning here on the site is that I should not bring up any R or M talks.

I think I will keep my mouth shut on the subject and let her bring it up if she feels the need.

I want her to see what life without me would feel like but I don't think im the one who should decide whether she leaves or not.

Any thoughts?

[WhyUs]

Agree, keep your mouth shut on the subject. If you ask it puts pressure on her.

[dwh15]

Agree with WhyUs. Don't say a word about moving. Just keep doing what you've been doing. But don't assume that just because she hasn't brought it up, or because you haven't seen any signs, that it isn't still happening. A lot of guys make those assumptions, and develop expectations, then are floored when the W actually starts moving out as she said she would.

[tkdmme]

I realize that it will hurt when and if she does move out but I was getting myself prepared for it and then it hasn't happened. Just like everything else in the situation, it is confusing. I had myself mentally prepared and started thinking that her moving out would help me detach. Now she is still here. I am getting better at detach but I have a long way to go.

As I said earlier, I have only been using LRT for 10 days now and I haven't slipped yet. This is a big achievement for me. I am committed to these changes and feel stronger today than I did yesterday. Yesterday was rough and i was feeling sad and angry. I was able to calm myself (with the help of this forum) before I got home. I have read the rules probably 10 time by now and they are finally sinking in.

As ive mentioned in earlier posts, my wife works for her brother. he is a doctor and his office is having their annual picnic this coming Saturday. I know that he will expect me to be there and my kids want me to go. I think im going to set this one out.

My BIL has been extremely supportive of me through this thing but he doesn't know about DBing. He has never been through this himself. Although he has given me some great advise, he has also given me some advise contrary to what im learning here. It is the same as in the DR where she talks about well meaning friends and family.

I don't think anyone she works with is familiar with out situation but they have to have noticed her sudden change of attitude. Her brother told me that her work has been suffering and that other employees have been complaining that she is not doing her job well and being insubordinate. She is the owners baby sister and im sure it would take a lot for a co-worker to complain about her to her brother.

Anyway, Im doing pretty good today.

[dwh15]

Good going on the 10 days LRT. Expect some backslides every once in a while with your feelings, but glad to hear you are feeling stronger. Sounds like your W is dealing with a lot of her own emotional baggage right now, so maybe what you are doing is having an impact. Just remember, this is a marathon, and you have a long ways to go yet. Keep at it brother.

[tkdmme]

I have been looking at the DB coaching. It is out my price range at the moment. I wish I could afford it but even if I could, my wife would find out due to the fact that we share an account. I think that if I follow the rules and stick to the plan I will be fine without it. Im sure not everyone on this forum uses the coaching. however, I can see where it would be very helpful in putting together a specific plan for my particular situation.

[tkdmme]

Ok so the W is out and I was looking for my shoes. I found a Victoria Secret bag under the sofa. It was a gift from someone and there was no name. It was 100 gift card. There was a reciept. Where she had bought 80 worth of whatever. I haven't seen anything new in the laundry. She will be home in a few and I want to confront her. What should I do?

[WhyUs]

Nope, do not confront her yet. You need to take a step back and breathe. Just saying the word confront sounds confrontational. You want to discuss it with her right? I would wait until you have had time to really think about how you want to approach this. She is not going anywhere this second. You need to have your ducks in a row before you go down this road.

Trust me. I know it is hard. Resist that temptation. Do not confront her yet. That is one of the biggest mistakes I made. You do not want this conversation driven by emotion. If you need to, leave the house. Go for a walk or just ride around in the car.

Wait for the vets to get on here and talk to you. Sandi may have some really good advice.