Sitting and Spinning

[asitis]

I know you're angry, and this may not be possible at this time, but I'll suggest it anyway.

She is hurting. You are hurting. Your primary attachment figure has proven to be untrustworthy (& she is feeling that you weren't a trustworthy attachment figure either, either because she projects old relationship patterns - primarily w/ parents - or you weren't there for her in a way that made that bond feel secure). When attachment bonds break, we often fall back on the earlier strategies for avoiding hurt from the loss or re-establishing the bond. These often include use of anger and defensiveness, as well as things like avoidance, belittling, etc. In a sense, it isn't your fault & it isn't her fault. This is the way we are wired and she has no tools to cope (you are learning some through DBing).

Can you step back and give yourself some compassion that you are in this hostile environment because both of you are having trouble coping with the loss and are triggering each other? Can you extend some of that compassion to your W even while you don't excuse her actions or allow yourself to be mistreated? If you can do these (you have to start with yourself first), you might be able to have enough of a pause to realize you aren't in imminent danger and do not need to react to her button pushing. Instead, you can listen and validate.

I know that will be very hard, but one of you has got to be the one to change the dance, and you are the one w/ the knowledge of how to do this.

Now, the other tip for getting through these is to hammer out some more rules & agreements that take some of the need for contact and topics off the table. Fewer opportunities for triggers. One of the things that gets stressed to couples in couples therapy after divorce & those parenting trainings often required by law is trying to make a split work is the need for clear boundaries and agreed upon rules. This helps with lowering the conflict and helping the adjustment to a relationship wo/ the strong emotional bond. That doesn't mean a bond cannot be re-established, but it certainly wont w/ the current dynamic.

If she continues to hammer at you, despite your listening, validating, and lack of reaction to her button pushing, just insist that the conversation will not continue unless she can talk to you in a calm & respectful voice. If she can't enforce this by walking out of the discussion.

When you are feeling triggered, focus on your breathing. It helps to disengage from the story-telling part of the mind that fuels anger taking control and slows you down so that the cerebral cortex (the part that allows for discrimination of facts & evaluation of threat for credibility) can catch up to the much, much faster limbic system. The latter is the one that dumps all that adrenaline into your blood stream, and other stress hormones. The latter allows you to disengage that reactive system.

It is hard when the red-eyed monster comes out. I have been on the receiving end of too many of these outbursts, often full of spew and unfairness. I've slipped myself any number of times, and I have some training and knowledge to not do that. So, don't expect perfection, but you can settle things & change the dynamic w/ patience.

And, yes detachment work helps a lot, but knowledge of what is happening, why, and that it really isn't either party's fault also helps for many (& it's my personal experience using it in my sitch).

Good luck!