I have a question. My H has initiated R talk, we are both working on the things we said we needed from each other. Conversation is increasing.
Is he still in tunnels? Is there at way to know? Just curious on thoughts here. He is implementing the things I needed from him plus doing all sorts of other things that show slow progress but he still needs so much alone time in his room. Thoughts?
Here's my take on things, they have moments of clarity and then they distance themselves once again. This happens quite a bit during the crisis and people begin to think that they are at the end of the crisis...not necessarily.
About your question as to whether he's still in the tunnel or not. He may be and then again he may not be. Only you can tell if he is since you are around him. Some start doing things around the home to appease their guilt. If he's still needing alone time in his room, then he most likely still has to think and process "stuff". This tells me that he's not ready to recommit to a full time relationship. He's still processing. How long will it take? It will take as long as it takes for him to figure himself out. You can't rush it.
Accept him for who he is today. Please try to stop figuring out where he is in his situation. You are going to drive yourself crazy. His situation will be over when he decides and yes, his clock is very slow. The best thing you can do is appreciate the things he is doing, acknowledge them and thank him for doing them. Continue to treat him as you would a friend. Expectations near zero at all times.
Keep the focus on you and allow the man upstairs to analyze, repair and return him to you a whole man. Dig deeper for patience and let go, let God handle your h and his situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I definitely understand there is a cycle where he comes closer for longer. Then he distances for a bit, but not as much as he used to. Then he comes even closer and for longer. Then back to a weaker distancing. So hard not to watch when he lives here.
Some of the conversations lately have been quite interesting.
He leaves his phone out and about now. He swears that he never had EA/PA but that in the last few months he has started to notice women more. He says it is an uncomfortable feeling and he wants to squash it. I validated and said I know I created a void during my depression. Thanked him for sharing. I felt very calm and detached. Can't believe my H is telling me he notices attractive women and I am just listening. That is a big change for me! But, still, this was a light admission given some of the past doozies!
He left the room the other day and his phone was near me. When he returned he said kindly: if you want to look at my phone just ask. I said: ok, but I didn't look at your phone (and I really didn't). He said it was lit up when he returned. I shrugged and swore I did not look. Then I told him I don't want to spy on him as that is no way for me to live and I meant it. (He already walked out on the M and I suffered greatly with that. I don't need to create more torture for myself unnecessarily by checking up on him. But I did not say any of that.). He said he believed me and the night went on peacefully. No circular drama and that was a nice change from previous interactions too.
I did not feel like I had to convince him that I did not look at his phone. That felt great! Sounds minor but for me it's huge.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Had a great weekend. Puttered around with kids and H.
A few noteworthy items. On Sunday made a nice breakfast for us all. This was something I used to do but stopped doing during my depression. Started doing this again months ago as I missed it so much but H has not joined me and kids. During my fog I remember him asking for us to eat as a family on the weekend mornings again but I could not muster up the energy for it. This weekend he did join us. It was nice!
Funny thing is, at the first breakfast together he stepped up and talked to kids about their goals before summer is out. I moved forward by making weekend breakfasts again and he moved forward in the parenting realm. Funny how that cycling can work! It was like old H but better because the message had more emotion in it. My ears perked up and I backed him up in front of the kids. This was one of the big things he said he needed from me.
Afterwards I validated him privately as well. Told him what a good father he is and how much I appreciate his help. Funny thing is: he validated me for backing him up! Is he secretly reading DB, too?
On one evening both kids were out. One of the things we agreed was that when the kids are out we definitely do something together. And we did! We went out and had fun together. We laughed and joked. We used to always laugh so much as we have a similar sense of humor. H even said this is fun again.
On drive home H out of the blue brought up childhood issues. He talked quite a bit. I validated and listened. He is trying to process some heavy stuff. When we came home he went off to a room by himself. I was impressed that he didn't just tell of things that happened in the past. Instead he communicated that he understood how those events impacted and shaped him. Heavy duty processing taking place.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Lately I have been feeling a lot of anger at my MIL. She made very destructive parenting choices. She is no longer that woman and I respect her for that but the damage she did is rearing its ugly head in my life now. It always hurt H but now finally he is really understanding it all. I struggle with her on two fronts: what she did to my H and just what she did to her own child. Now everytime I think of her I think of MLC and so she impacts me there too. We've always gotten along. She is a good MIL to me and a good grandmother to my kids but everytime I think of her now all I see is what did she did in the past and my H's MLC.
Anyway, when H talks about it all, is there anything more beneficial I can do besides listening and validating? I know it is his situation to work through but he is more frequently talking to me about how it all impacted him. Are there other tools in the chest for these kinds of validation situations? H will not go to IC so don't bother recommending it.
One welcome bit is H is continuing to step up more and more and more as a parent; and in his old patient way. Even if this is only temporary, I am thankful for the break! It has been hard holding up this house of cards. H steps in and takes over in certain situations. I validate and it's easy because I mean it.
H is also steadily doing nice stuff for me. Yesterday after I did something for one of the kids he told me I am a good mother and kissed me. I want to search this forum and see if he is posting, too. Maybe Job is helping us both unbeknownst to either of us. Ha ha.
Last bit of news H has planned trip with longtime friend he lost touch with in MLC. He has not gone out with new MLC "friends" in almost 6 months; I just realized. This "old" friend is married, makes good decisions AND is a good guy who has H's back!
I know, keep expectations at zero, but I can't help think: he is starting to bridge his way back to people!!! Tried to play it cool when he told me, not be too enthusiastic but mentally I did do a dance.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Listen and validate when he talks to you. Do not offer up advice unless he asks for your opinion, etc. A good listener has a better chance of discovering what is going on w/their mlcing spouse.
About your MIL, you need to put that anger aside. Whatever happened, happened a very long time ago and there's nothing you can do about the past. As long as she continues to be a good MIL to you and a good grandmother to your children, then be thankful for that. Your h will have to deal w/his issues and if that means having a discussion w/his mother, then so be it. Also, he could have issues w/another authority figure that was in life back then...but time will tell. Nothing will come of that anger towards your MIL and it just might cause you to say something that you will regret later. Put your anger to better use by cleaning the house or doing something that requires your physical strength to get it done.
BTW, I wouldn't even think of recommending an IC right now...he's not ready, hence he's not fully baked yet.
As for his upcoming trip, he's reconnecting w/his old friends and that is a step in the right direction. Maybe it's time to read the reconnection thread and if you've already read it, read it again.
Keep those expectations at zero. He's reconnecting, but he's still got a ways to go and you need to keep in mind that when the dust settles you can't go back to the old marriage. It's a brand new one because both of you have changed.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok Job thanks-I need to stop fantasizing about venting to her. I think I am just looking for a place, any place, to expel my anger at her. Guess I will be cleaning my garage and re-reading the reconnection thread.
I am so thankful H is finally going out with a decent guy! It was so hard to see him hang out with bottom of the barrel guys. Plus this friend has a great personality--total golden retriever type! I hope he has fun and that the guy time moves him further away from the doldrums.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I am happy to hear things are going well for you and H Nice to have him reconnect with a stable friend, huh? I know the feeling.
I also know the feeling of anger towards MIL. There is no doubt in my mind that S and I are paying the price of her mothering. She used to give me parenting advice when I would not ask for it. She would email me articles about "coddling" my child. Would warn me to not make son the center of my attention.... Ugh, her 3 children are so lost and all searching to fill a void! I have fantasized many times about telling her off! Instead I have just firmly let her know I am not in need of her advice and have left it at that.
MIL will be in your life forever because of your children so best to keep the peace. Just like Job said, it's your H place to address issues if needed.
I know the feeling to want to tell her, this is happening because of you!!
Keep up the good work with H
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Mleigh-thanks for the support on the MIL situation. I appreciate it. We have a lot of shared experiences there, for sure.
Started reading reconnection threads from TMAK. If there is any other general thread I am missing can someone post it please? I saw others that I should check out NGU (Never Give Up), M Go Blue, etc. Seems the gist for the LBS spouse is more patience, continue to make home a safe place while listening and validating. Meanwhile MLCer seems to be doing major work internally and externally in reconnection.
I had a rough day at work yesterday. Came home with my stomach all in knots. Popped in to H's room to say hi and touch base before starting dinner. Made a big mistake by answering honestly that I had a rough day and giving the details. H listened but also went into old mode of brainstorming on ways to help. This was always helpful and I could see he really cared (which was touching)! But part way through I thought this was too much for him right now. I know he is still fragile. I saw that once he gave ideas he was a slight bit overwhelmed with hearing details. I made light of it and changed the subject. I left worrying about how he was processing all this behind the scenes. Made a mental note: too much pressure too early But H said: let me email you some ideas because this is driving me crazy. I went to make dinner and H emailed me ideas.
After dinner he went out to walk (something he has needed throughout MLC to clear his head). I worried he was going to come home and bomb me again. Really regretted taking about my day. Should have called a sister. He returns and suggests we go for a quick stroll. We do and I keep it super light.
This morning he also seemed fine.
I read some of the reconnection threads and know I need to focus on continuing to make home safe and welcome.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Nevergive up and MGoBlue were on the forum many, many years ago and I can only assume that their threads are long gone by way of deletion due to main frame purge.
Try reading reachingHigher's threads. She's a more recent woman who actually had her marriage restored, but it took her a long time to "get it" and understand patience and not rushing the process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nice to have him reconnect with a stable friend, huh? I know the feeling.