Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zelda09]

Thanks, Zephyr, I look forward to it. And thank you Vanilla just for understanding...

Asitis, here's the thing: (as if there is only one)

I am fiercely independent. It has been the common feedback among all of my exes, that I just didn't let them help in a certain sense...I am tough, fair, and have spent over ten years coaching teen, collegiate and masters athletes. I have no problem speaking my mind and no one would have ever said I was anything but empowered or self-reliant. I worked in top level management and had what I think was a good knack for saying what needed to be said and delivering it straight and gently as possible. Point is, your post looks like it assumes that I am an opposite creature. This has been one of the hardest things, not for friends, but knowing that many of our acquaintances saw me as domineering, somewhat unemotional...and as he's run around selectively throwing his pity party to those that didn't know me well, of course, who would see quiet, soft spoken H as anything but the victim here? To those that know me well, he's just said he realized he has anger issues...or the accident really messed him up...or he still loves me. But to anyone who knew me superficially, I am manipulative, took advantage of him, didn't care about who he is, just what I wanted...

I identified my areas for growth last year - better listener, digesting all of my feelings by myself instead of throwing them, less critical and judgmental. I've been working hard on all of it. To soften and become vulnerable. To practice empathy with absolutely everyone. I held to those changes like it was my job when he came back and his cruelty/apathy only seemed to increase.

In the back of my head at all junctures of struggle in my M, I took my H at his word that he didn't feel supported, that I was selfish...that he didn't feel like I cared about him. I felt that if there was any real potential for abuse it was probably on me tearing down his sense of self-love by rejecting him when I perceived him as irrational. By not accepting where he was in his recovery. By trying to life-coach him when he just needed a friend. Reminding him that I supported him financially and he hadn't a job in years, whenever he acted like he didn't need to do anything around the house or pull his weight in a tangible sense...Oh, the guilt I felt when he left the first time...

I look at it now and daily, I am mixed up. I still feel guilty sometimes, and it is very hard to feel like I let him down when all I wanted to do was see him happy...consistently. I feel devastated thinking that some other woman will be able to accomplish what I couldn't and enjoy the parts of him I loved so much.

Yes, I see his BPD traits everywhere in the past, pre-accident. And I don't think this is me saying, I am hurt and someone behaving as they don't love me obviously has a personality disorder...the way he treated me would also come out in flashes at my friends and family...something terribly odd, out of line, overly volatile every two weeks or so...and I take responsibility for my own emotional reactivity to it all. That didn't help. I was not the center of calm. I had trouble leaving him be, and pressured him to talk, make sense to me, reassure me...sometimes I'd scream in anger at the injustice of being left somewhere or seeing Mr. Hyde come out of no where for no reason...this went on from the beginning.

I also see that what he did was psychological abuse and undeniable physical intimidation throughout the years- threats of leaving the relationship at the drop of a hat, the jealousy, the pushing, the rages, the silent treatment, the general instability and threats of suicide...and yet I start thinking did I fail as a partner in some crucial way to create an environment like this?

Where is that strong independent part of me that says F*** IT. I didn't deserve this, ever.

Why do I still miss him and want to chase him for his love and reassurance? People that know me professionally, even socially at a distance would never ever believe this. I feel like I've shared too much with my closest friends sometimes, I feel like they look at me like I have two heads to want this kind of crazy back.