Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[asitis]

No MC of any sort until she is committed to fixing the M. That means she has her heart in fixing it.

If she wants a physical separation, listen, validate, and then give it to her. Disagreeing with her is only going to cause her to dig in her heels. She is expecting you to fight to keep her close and not listen to her. That is your past pattern. You are going to really catch her off guard, by saying that you think that makes sense after listening and validating.

Or you say, "I hear you and I want to think about what you said as it caught me a bit off guard." Then the next day or two, you come back and say "I was thinking about all you said the other day, and I see why you feel that a physical separation is what you want, and I agree that it makes sense for both of us. I would like to sit down further and talk about how to best arrange that and what agreements or guidelines we abide by to make that work well. When were you thinking of moving out?"

And, if she wants you to leave, just give her an incredulous look, and say "Really?!" She is the one who wants the S & potentially out of the M, she is the one who gets to leave your house/apt. This is a be firm moment.

When it comes to working out the rules & arrangements, don't ask "what do you want?" Then it becomes a power struggle between the two of you. You want to turn this into a cooperative effort as a couple to take care of your mutual needs and wants as best you can. Still, you want to hear her wants and needs, and you want to show her that you respect her and her ideas. So, you ask "What do you think is best in terms of arrangements and agreements during this phase of the S?" Now it becomes about doing what is best for you. You can substitute "makes sense" for best.

And, it is good that you are preparing ahead of time for the potentiality so that you can stay calm and not fall apart or beg in the panic of the moment. It will likely still catch you in the throat or gut when she says this, no matter how much you prepare, but you can prepare even for that by keep looking over those validation statements & thinking about the above suggestions. That way, you can sort of do this on autopilot while your emotions scream at you.

And physical S may be best for you at this point. It can be really hard to pull of a healthy in-house S.

Good luck & keep off those shifting sands!