Hello friends, I am divorced and I would think that some of the craziness would be gone and could at least focus in my life moving forward. But it is not, and things are really getting to me big time.
At this point in my life I would like to be left alone to deal with my own stuff, looking at and also creating a life for my kids and I and trying to see the positives in that.
Well, it is hard when you have someone that is still coming and talking about our R, our M.
Heellooooooo! There is no M, it was dissolved because it is totally broken and we agree it can't be repaired. That is what means to go to court and literally have it done.
XH texted me last Friday wanting to meet on the weekend because he wanted to resolve paperwork stuff. I said I was busy and Monday would be a better day because we could call and resolve the phones all at once. He agreed.
Monday he came to the house by 7pm. Ok, not much time to call customer service since most of them have only automated service after 6pm. XH was not very inclined to do any work, I piled up some papers on my kitchen table and started explaining to him what I did and what needs to be done.
XH was not into resolving anything. Instead, he start the R talk.
We talked from 7pm to 00:30 am. My kids left to pick up S15 from football practice, then they come back home, S15 took a shower and they left for dinner and a movie.
These are what XH talked about: 1. Life has been very hard because I miss my family, I miss you and I miss my kids. 2. I have been making one mistake on top of another. 3. I am very stupid for not realizing how much you loved me and was always there for me. 4. I should have been a better H for you. 5. I did not give you attention and the support you needed. 6. I was always worried about myself, my career. 7. I regret many decision I took in the last few years, because it hurt our M. 8. I made a big mistake getting myself into another R when all what I do is to love you and miss you badly. 9. I took you from my life because I felt you were very unhappy beside me, so I tough I was doing you a favor. 10. I took you from my life because I was also unhappy and you left me alone and only gave me a lot of support to move on with my life, and now I feel like I was never so unhappy during our 18 years of marriage. 11. I need to resolve my childhood problems because I feel like it did interfere on my decisions, my R with you. 12. My mother did not want me, she got pregnant when her marriage was basically done and she did not want to have another kid. I was born with an hernia problem and couldn't be operated until 6 to 9 months old, during that time my mother left me crying alone for many hours. And then she left when I was almost three. She abandoned me and never came back. 13. I felt like at some point in our M you also abandoned me, now I can see so clear that you have been the only person in this world that really and honestly loved and love me. 14. Do you want to know what is really odd? Do you guess who is the only person that gave me a lot of support during this whole divorce? ...only you. It's was and it is the only person that gives me support and comfort. 15. I know you can't believe me, but I do love you with all my heart and I do miss you. 16. I am not in a R with the OP for awhile now. I won't lie to you that we talked sometime after we were done, but I do not have anything with her anymore. I have no one in my life. I am seeing no one. 17. I will go to France for my brother's B-day just because he is turning 50 this year and I am not planning to see OW. 18. You may not believe but this was one of my biggest mistakes in life, I do not feel good when I look at what I did. And I will tell you again that I never cheated on you during the time we were together, things got physical only after our separation. 19. I am going to New Hampshire and I will try to meet with my stepmother and accept the help she always offered me, I want to talk to her, I know she cares about me and I also need to make some sense of all this. 20. I made my life a mess and I am seeing the consequences and I regret many things I did. 21. I care about you deeply and now I see how much you always cared for me, even more then I ever did for you. 22. You are a beautiful woman, and now you are even better, I see how strong you are, how sweet and gentle you are, you have a big heart and integrity. I really, really regret the day I said you are "Rude" because I said it in the heat of the moment and you will never forgive me for saying that to you. 23. I could ever and never had chosen a better mother for my children. 24. I am afraid to get back into our M, I feel that after all I did to you things can start getting worse then before because now you will find out you don't love me anymore.
This was a hard talk, I did control myself and did not say a word of what H needs or don't need to do to solve his problems. I told him what I think in things related to my life:
1. I am looking for a new job, career, a new step to try and make my life better and have a good purpose to breath every day. 2. I want to help others, I can and I feel better this way. 3. I want to support my children and make them good men. 4. I have been in a very intense journey with my faith and I made a lot of improvement with my relationship with my God. 5. I would like to feel sorry for myself and just close the bedroom door and be depressed, but I can't. I like life, I like nature, people, dancing, learning... I have something inside of me that just won't rest or give up. Even when I am very unhappy, I have this power that moves me forward and makes me see whatever to smile again. 6. I care about you, I loved you dear for all these years and I still love you, but because of the way I feel about you, that I need to let you go, I just want to see you happy with the decision you are taking. If you want to be away from me, then I wish you are doing it to be in a better place. 7. I will never tell you that I understand to give up on family because I would be lying. I believe in family values and the value of my own family. I think every family goes through a hard time, busy time, confused time...but it is up to the members of that family to really understand how important it is and how you need to work hard to hold it together. 8. I need to resolve my life, I am looking into what is my next chapter and I may relocate. I am exploring my options and try to find my path. I will let him know if I decide to relocate as it is a rule from the court. 9. I need to move on now and I am working towards that. I have a good friend from Ireland that I share my daily life since he is also going through similar issues. 10. I have been very close with my friends and it has been somewhat fun to go out, dance, do different stuff by myself and with the kids. 11. The kids and I are planning a road trip to the east coast and will stop at his parents house. 12. I had, have and will have a close R with his whole family. They called me and told me that I will always be part of their family and that they love me a lot. So, I accept it. 13. I am very busy, my responsibilities are many and I need to hold on myself to get all done. 14. I am working full time now. 15. I learned and understand a little more about the whole "LOVE" issue. I read "Five Languages of Love" and I figured that I always gave the wrong kind of love to him, all what I did to show love, was not doing any good because (now) I understand he was not getting the point. 16. I did not say a word about future, about working on our M. I just talked to him as you talk about someone that just passed away. Like when you talk about things after the funeral. 17. I did not say a word about advice, expectations, hope. No, nope. I really, really want to say to him:
If you are saying all this to me, why we can't work on our M, our love and make it work? Why you keep saying all this to me when you don't want anything with me anymore?
But I said nothing. I listened most of the time. I can't say it is a knife on my chest. It hurt, because he says many, many things but he did not say the magic words: "I regret my decision and I would like to give ourselves the chance to make things right. Would you agree to work on our M, maybe go to counseling together?
No, nothing like that. So, I need to keep on moving on, H is still lost and the D reality is hitting him hard, but it does not mean he wants get back with me.
As hard as it sounds, I need to let go. He does not want me in his life for a long time. He divorced me. At some point he probably despised me. XH cheated on me, lied to me, and maybe is still lying. My children do not want him back.
I don't know anymore, I came to this site trying to save my M and now I feel very confused, I don't know if it is what I want anymore. I am very hurt and the wounds are very deep. I just don't know what to do anymore.
My head feels like it is going to explode sometimes, I am very tired, stressed out with all this. Many times I need to just sit or lay down because I feel kind of sick, but I am not sick. So, it is all taking a toll on me.
Last night, XH sent me a text saying: I will plan to stop by tomorrow around 5:30pm. I hope you got some rest & your neck/back is still better.
I am sorry I have been very inconsistent and very selfish too. I am not writing to other right now and just take your advices. I want to be in my sweet spot again, but right now I am so exhausted, I feel it is better to just give up on XH once for all and do not deal with the DB anymore.
Michelle was not joking when she said that if you want to save your M, prepare yourself for a long and painful journey. It is indeed the biggest truth that those books hold. It hard to let go, but it is much harder to hang in there and keep trying.
Right now, all what I want is to disappear and have some kind of amnesia so it would all go away.
Thanks again for the input on MIL comments. I agree with stander that she was just saying what she heard and that she was kind to be honest and let me know.
