W started her new job Monday, along with this more anxiety for me. Little things but they seemed to all add up and point right back to abandonment issues. Rings still off, W has gone from Family and M #1 to talking nothing about the good ol Corprate game, who makes what, what she makes, her boss and his wife building a dream house on the cliffs, who drives what ... always an eye on the Joneses. She had TM me just prior to getting to work, and I did not hear from her all day after that .. not till around 5 as I was walking the dog (missed the TM) saying she would be home in 10-15 (thats her commute time) and she did not get in till 5:45. Honestly I was good till about 1-2 thinking .. huh... no lunch TM ... nothing. Gradually it felt just like high crisis mode when I was cast aside for OM and did not matter. My mind began to race without me a bit ... thoughts of OM contact creeped in, followed by nervousness that maybe somehow I missed something, is A over ... all the on and offs I went through this behavior was in sync with the on again treatment I received. I fough through that stuff then hit a point worried about a car accident or the like. She finally came in as I was getting dinner for S ready, I was not in a very chipper mood and she picked it up right away. Asked what was wrong ... rather than play the 'oh nothing' game I told her how I felt. Received the "Oh Brother treatment" and I leveled up. The constant disregard has been really bugging me so I very bluntly asked where the M and I fit in with her priorities, new job and all, its something I need to know because I am not really excited about a rinse and repeat of the past when she is all about work and S and I are just there for her as a support cast. Even ramped up to the Transparency and I asked for her phone ... which she happened to leave at work (I was skeptical of this ... but she definitely does not have it) She calmed down a bit .. assured me she was committed to the M and to me, apologized and we agreed to drop it.
Finished dinner, ate as a family. I walked the dog, came back and continued reading S's book all 3 of us on the bed. Put S down and W suggested we do our hmwk. Soon after she brought up the blow up. I realized it added pressure and sure enough mini-monster came to play. She called me out on it ... blasted a few things about me never trusting her, she feels like she can not breathe ... I pointed out it was never this way before, I would have never been upset but the point remains I do not feel I matter, she says the right things but actions do not match up. She started pressing buttons .. ones I pulled out long ago .. then she finally found one. My speaking to the parish about my story .. I stopped her there and asked specifically where I had not told a truth, pointed out I withheld a good deal of sharing everything I went through ... this really upset me. So I decided couch for the night. W followed me as I was grabbing the pillows and said something to the effect that I am giving up on the M, I calmly told her I was not, she continued to follow .. more spew ... got to the point I was done, grabbed some clothes and left her place and went to my apt.
I was expecting the phone to blow up ... never did ... then I realized she actually did leave it at work
So ... today should be interesting to see if its Monster Mode .. or she calms down and tries to nice it up.
I know I pressed, I tried not to let it get to me, but I also do not want an M where the job comes first ... I believe its important but work is work .. and as I told her .. her job is not going to be there when she is sick, its not going to care about her as a person ... I reminded her that I thought she learned that long ago. I enjoy my job .. but its just a check just as I am just a cog in the machine. The second part is all on me .. its about not feeling my needs are met in this R. Can I be patient enough to allow her to get through her journey without adding pressure ... I smh at myself because I am failing in this area ... I know what I need to do I just stink at it allowing the hurts and pain of the past 2-3 years cloud my emotions.
