[BrightFuture]

Thank you Heather, Job and Life Twists.
Heather, no need to apologize. I’ve been keeping up with your updates and I keep being amazed how much you’ve accomplished. And yes, these resent events… with Smokey expressing some feelings, regrets, or whatever they are… I can see how it can be confusing for you. I would through me off the path too.
Life Twists, thanks for giving me some perspective on things after the D and for your kind words regarding my “stupid” posts.

Job, thank you so much for still being here for me. Sometimes I’m afraid that after one of my posts you would stop replying to me. You are right, I need to stay away from FB, checking H out. And with mutual friends… I did pretty well this last weekend, except one thing, which I’m posing later.

Last weekend was actually not as relaxing as I expected. The first day was good. Then I had an anxiety for whatever reason. My sister made some comments about how I need to find another vacation spot, so I would not have to be connected to H… About how my mutual friends are just using me for their purpose and they are not really stand by me… blah, blah, blah… I know she is trying to protect me, but I really didn’t need this kind of opinion.

At the same time, I’m starting to realize that what she says could be actually true. I did feel a bit uncomfortable at the condo this time. After my mutual friends told me that H wants to decorate the condo to make it feel like his own, I realized that this could change the situation. I just feel like I’m waiting for another shoe to drop… After confirming that he brought that woman to my city on the 4th of July... I think he wants to change things in the condo, so he could bring a woman there.

I was not able to talk to my mutual friends much last weekend, because my sister and her son were there with me. The only thing I was able to gather is that H asked which GF I’m planning to bring with me, and after he found out, he said that he knows her (she was my GF when I and H met, there is some history there…) and he likes her and he wants me and her to stay at the condo. So, he is going to figure out his accommodations for that weekend. This means he is coming to the vacation home on the same weekend. And this time, I’m not sure I like it. When before I would welcome that, thinking that we could cross path somewhere and I would have an opportunity to interact with him. This time, I’m not happy with this. I want to have a relaxing weekend and I don’t want any distractions.

This is where the weird part comes. I’ve been feeling that knot in my stomach again, just like I felt during the first 6 month after BD. I don’t know why I feel this way now. Maybe I’m sensing the end of this… Like I said, I’m waiting for another shoe to drop. I don’t what it is yet… Is it him bringing that woman to the condo… Or him filing for D… I don’t even know if what I feel makes sense anymore.

OK, I’ve been all over the place with my thoughts. I haven’t even expressed half what I’m feeling… Maybe tomorrow I will get another shot at this. Or, maybe not tomorrow… We are having a company event at the ball park tomorrow, with drinks and food provided… Should be a lot of fun!

Job, thanks for pointing out that posting here is the safest way for me to express my feelings. I feel that I still need this, that this is the only place where I can get some support, no matter what. Thank you all for being here and for all your posts.