So my story is all over the place. We have had some intimacy issues for the last couple years that ultimately turned into my H having a one time PA over a year ago now. I spent the last year working through it but also not addressing the issues that we had that led to it. Basically things weren't getting better. I had a lot of pent-up anger and resentment towards him that I would lash out which could be taken as almost emotional abuse my communication was very poor. We have been in counseling and are still in counseling however things of changed dramatically. A little over a month ago my H said he needed to take some space. Of course it hurt however I read that space is sometimes good when you need to collect your thoughts and I agreed and supported. We have a son who just turned 6 so it's been even harder with that.
Anyway shortly after he decided to stay at his moms he started seeing someone. He had told me if I wasn't going to have sex with him he would find it somewhere. But what was tough is that I have been trying to work on our intimacy issues he just hasn't accepted my advances. He said they didn't feel organic they felt forced and he doesn't feel like the passion will ever come back and I lives that were just like roommates. Did say however how much he loves me cares for me deeply and will always support me and be there for me.
During the space we decided to reassess in September so I am doing the best that I can to make it through this time. I actually requested that we push it out because I feel like September's coming too soon. I'm not ready to make any decisions. He and I are doing individual counseling right now every other week until then which I find impressive considering he is seeing that girl. The problem with space is in the beginning he would reach out almost bait me and hook me. Saying how spaces hard how much he missed me. How I am his "person" and his best friend. Of course I would react excited thinking he was coming back but then anytime I showed any sort of emotion or excitement he would just throw his hands up and back away and become distant again. I now know not to respond to those little texts.
I plan to give him complete space with very limited contact only relating to our child. I realize with this other person involved us getting back together will be a lot harder but I do still have hope. He holds anger and resentment towards me and I hurt him in so many ways like he hurt me and I know he needs time to heal. I am willing to accept him for who he is and forgive for this time when he's ready to come back. I have worked on myself to change some of my behaviors in a positive way and learn how to manage my emotions and my anger to communicate better. I just started reading DR today and already at chapter 7. I feel that I implement a lot of these techniques already and I'm looking for guidance on how to implement them better in my particular situation. Right now he is flying high with infatuation over this girl because she's younger than me and I'm sure says yes to everything he does and praises everything he does and it makes him feel powerful. What I can only hope being a rebound situation is that the excitement will eventually fade in reality will set in.
Maybe it's foolish but I love my husband and I want to make things work and I love my family.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here. I don't have much advise for you other than read everything they tell you, and listen to what everyone says. Its hard, but you won't find better support anywhere.
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
My H told someone he feels like he's known this girl forever. I am trying to not let that affect me and just rationalize it's the new beginnings fantasy relationship. I'm sure she's amazing because she hasn't unloaded her baggage yet and "real life" has not set in.
My therapist still thinks we have a chance as my H hasn't made any decisions. My MiL still thinks we have a chance too and just said to give it time. I guess that is all I can do along with the steps. I'm going to continue with these steps in DR and GAL.
Does anyone have a success story from a situation similar to mine?
Hi Hope. I don't have a success story, but I am going through a similar situation with the intimacy issues. Due to a childhood of sexual abuse, I had a ton of them. Now that I'm working through that, my H doesn't want the intimacy either as he thinks I'm only doing it for him.
I can tell you that I have been DBing since January and dealing with this since October and he is still with me. Separated in the same house, but not any further. Sandy's rules are sooo important. If I show any sign of pursuit, he backs off quicker than at mosquito avoiding your hand.
I'm sorry that you are on here, but it really will help you out.
E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I am blown away still by everything. I question if I really know H anymore. I cannot believe he will throw away 8 years of a life we built together and our family for this person. She is not a person I would have ever guessed him to associate with. I feel like he didn't really value us. It almost feels like he abandoned us.
We agreed to every other weekend for our son. Then one or two days a week maybe H take him for an afternoon and return him before bed. I am trying to setup a firm day for the weekday visit, but H is so wishy washy. Plus on his weekend he worked most of it so he only spent a limited amount of time and I picked up my son Sunday morning, because he spent the day after his shift celebrating his girlfriends birthday with her. I only know this because my friend was there since it was our business partners bday as well. My friend also thinks she saw her doing coke in the bar bathroom. Classy! I am terrified this girl will be brought around my child.
What is hard is that he never moved out of my house. He just left. So all his clothes, his items are all lying around. He also hasn't expressed making his new relationship public yet. Maybe that's coming soon though. He has not discussed divorce either.
My contact has been very limited. I try and wait for him to reach out to me.
I'm doing the best I can to get out and keep busy and be there for my son. I went on a vacation we planned together alone. VIP tickets fell into my lap for a music fest in LA next week which I'm grateful for. So I booked flights today and look forward to that weekend getaway.
I'm planning a mini family vacation for my son and me to go somewhere fun together.
I'm not ready to date but I am forcing myself to go have coffee with a guy who thinks I'm gorgeous just to get the ego boost. I am trying.
