You are putting the cart before the horse. Which is something you seem to keep trying to do...
At this point, you stop snooping. If he is talking to ow, mylie cyrus, or the man in the moon, he is. That is his business. Not yours. Let him live his life however he chooses to.
I havent seen anything from you saying that he has stated he wants to work on rebuilding anything. All you report is him still trying to place the blame for this on you.
Please tell me if i am wrong about that because that can change the advice...
One thing i learned was that i could have turned myself into the most beautiful, most perfect person on earth and it would have mattered none until my ex was ready to stop trying to blame me for everything.
IF you get to actual piecing...that is when you will work to rebuild trust, mostly on your end, but on his also. At this point, you need to stop giving him reasons to make you the bad guy (ie hacking his accounts).
Trust is the easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to regain in any relationship.
Have you read DB or DR?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I've read most of DR. I have stopped snooping. Backed off completely from even trying, though I hate being blind. Of course it's my business, so long as he is my husband. But yes, I know it's his choice, not mine and I cannot change it either way. He does seem to want to talk about things, have a better marriage, etc. But he also feels like things will never change (even though I know I've made some progress). He offered to do marriage counseling a few months ago. We did one. It stopped for a variety of reasons, and from what I understand, it's not what we need to do (now?) anyway. He has admited that he has caused "damage" and that he is damaged and that he needs a support system (of course, not me because I'm a terrible wife). He says he is mired in depression (he's often fought depression) and only feels positive if he has a purpose/feels needed.
What do you mean ready... ready for what exactly? Piecing? I see that. At what poing did your ex become ready to stop blaming you? What would be my next step?
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Nope, not your business although i remember feeling that way too.
He is a person. An individual. You dont own him. You married him with the hope and belief that you would share things. Those vows uniting you, did not remove either of your individuality or your rights to privacy.
I would love for my partner to share everything with me. Guess what, sometimes he forgets, sometimes he feels its unimportant, sometimes he feels he handled something and there is no need to "report" on it. Some stuff, is simply his and he will pr wont share when he is ready.
My acceptance of that fact, shows him that I trust him, his judgement, and that I respect him. Believe me, when he does share, i can and do ask a million questions some of which get answered, some dont.
You arent ready to trust him. I'm not saying you dont want to try, but you arent ready to actually do it yet. And that is ok. all of this happens in phases.
At first not snooping, not knowing, is going to drive you crazy. Then it will bother you less to not know. Then it wont bother you at all. And then you will be ready to rebuild trust.
My bomb was in 2007. My X started to realize it wasnt all me, as far as he told me, about 2 years ago. Might have been a but sooner but not much. Sorry I dont have a better more encouraging answer there.
Personally, if I were to go through this again, I would do much differently.
I would stop trying to fix the M, and i would begin working on me much faster than i did. I wiuld have detatched sooner. I would have focused on making myself the best version of me that I wanted to be for me and no one else much sooner.
For you...let go of the judgement. Let go of the blame. Let go of the anger. Find something that brings you joy and happiness.
A happy person is much nicer to be around, to talk to, to feel close to, than an unhappy one.
Maybe some9ne else can give you a more literal idea of where to start.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
When 2 become one, then I believe it is my business. Yes there are some boundaries, but we used to be so transparent.
I feel like I've let go of a lot of the anger. Even said that directly last night. Even let go of a lot of blame - I never put things in terms of that, as far as I can tell. "Judgement" - well, that might be trickier. Wrong is wrong period. But I don't throw it in his face either. Even directly said I don't want to hold anything against him or keep him cornered. I'm sure he still feels that way. Part of me wonders if I should directly state that I forgive him - "set him free".
I hear you about stop trying to fix the marriage. Yet he seems to want to work on it... or have me fix the things he wants me to fix. That part is somewhat nebulous. He wants me to meet his needs but doesn't want to work on that together. Its so confusing!
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I've screwed things up so badly I am just not sure what else I should do at this point. I know, keep validating. Be detached. Yet he wants me to work on things... so confused.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I asked you before if he was fully committed ad you didn't say yes. Until you can see for sure by his ACTIONS, I'm not sure that there is much to "work on".
