New marriage over pt3--filed for divorce

[PigPen]

What's the plan now Aj? She's given you her answer - for now.

What about you though? What's YOUR plan?

Sounds like she also handed you some gems for you to work on...

[Aj8]

PigPen--No plan, go dark as I have been, I've been working on myself and she over exaggerated feeling down for years, yet she married me 11 months ago, and 2 years ago got engaged.

Azzork--I knew what she's thinking, but I had to say my goodbye, apologies, etc., as I had no other way of telling her, as she'd gone dark as did I. I was her biggest supporter for school, moved from DC to Ca just for that as well, and so many things, but she blames me for everything, which is fine. Just needed to say goodbye, own up to some things and now move on because I know her she's done.

[asitis]

Yes, that was my reading too.

I wouldn't trust her word on no further contact. You just keep working on those issues so that you are not going to repeat these problems in a future R, and if she does pop up after her anger has subsided enough, she may actually pay attention to the new AJ. Until she has gotten past that block though, nothing you do would have drawn her back in. Nothing. She was not interested in considering anything you did. She has a physical/emotional repulsion to you. But underneath that there is still love and affection. That comes through. Now she has to fight her battle. And you have your path ahead.

Sorry for you pain. I know you said you had no hopes and expectations, but I've been there too many times to know we always have some & it hurts when they are dashed.

[Aj8]

To be honest the text didn't sting , I didn't expect a reply anyway and for almost 3 months now I've grieved the end of the marriage so this wasn't new.

Btw in the letter I said I'll always love her and to please take care of the cats like I know she'll do and she texted this just now after her initial text:--I didn't reply

I will take care of them. And please stop telling me you love me. I need to move on with my life. I need to focus on myself. I'm scared starting over but I know it is the right decision in the long run. I don't want you to think I just gave up. I let you know what I needed and you couldn't give it to me. I cried for months. Then I hit my breaking point when my future career was being impacted. I'm sorry things ended this way but you will find someone you are more compatible with in the future. I know this.

[rd500]

Hi. Sorry to see this happening to you but as another poster said this is time for you to become the you that you want to be.

I'm no bet but I read her reply very differently to you. She is obviously worried about her choices but only time will tell if they are right for her.

Hope is there only you give up not her.

Take care. Rd

[AnotherStander]

I left her the letter , I thought I wouldn't even get a response nor did i expect her to come back or have a change of heart . It was my goodbye and it seems her goodbye as well

Well the others gave you great advice, it's fine to write letters but you should NEVER send them. These forums and DB are united in explaining to LBS's that their WAS is NOT the person they knew and married. It is a DIFFERENT person. One that does not want to talk to them, much less share intimate secrets and make plans for the future. That person is GONE. There is no negotiating them back into the marriage which is EXACTLY what letters attempt to do. I think if you're honest with yourself and us, you couched it as a "goodbye" letter but what you were really hoping is that it would turn her around. Otherwise her reaction would not have upset you.

Your goal is not to reconcile. Your marriage is dead and gone forever. Your goal is to become a NEW you, and hope you can attract her back and build a NEW relationship with her. She doesn't want to go back to what you had and neither should you, it didn't work. So her reply is 100% predictable, many of us could have told you practically word-for-word that that would be her response. All it means is she doesn't want to go back, she wants to go forward. If you want a relationship with her then you too need to go forward- change yourself, give her LOTS of time and space. The irony is it won't be until you finally get over her and become an independent, strong, sexy, confident man again that she will start to take notice, and unfortunately by then the LBS often doesn't want the WAS back.

[asitis]

Good on the no reply.

WAWs really don't like being told that you love them and will always love them. It feels like pursuit & reminds them that they are hurting you & that they don't feel this for you right now (or don't want to feel this).

They want to reassure themselves that you will be OK by reassuring you that you will find someone more suitable. Standard OP.

You can't tell them they didn't just give up, even when they did.

So, best thing you are doing is not responding. Just go dark and get on with your life as you are planning.

Glad it didn't sting as much. I know that I've prepped myself for a long time on the worst, but still find the sting when my W does or says things that move toward that scenario.

Hang in there.

[AnotherStander]

Btw in the letter I said I'll always love her

Please read Sandi's rules every single day and live those rules. "11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)" Read that several times. She will DESPISE you for it. She HATES when you say ILY. You're trying to make up for months/ years of not saying it, but it is the wrong time for that. To her it is just you trying to get your way, being controlling and manipulative.

I don't want you to think I just gave up. I let you know what I needed and you couldn't give it to me. I cried for months. Then I hit my breaking point when my future career was being impacted.

That is straight out of DB's first chapter. Michele talks about the mindset of a WAS and that is it right there. Here's the thing, plenty of marriages have been saved even after such words were exchanged. When LBS's hear these things they give up hope, but that is purely a reflection of how she feels right NOW. She may feel completely different months or years from now. Let go of her. Quit trying to pressure her and negotiate with her. You may not think you are, but you are definitely hanging desperately onto that rope.

[Aj8]

I left her the letter , I thought I wouldn't even get a response nor did i expect her to come back or have a change of heart . It was my goodbye and it seems her goodbye as well

Well the others gave you great advice, it's fine to write letters but you should NEVER send them. These forums and DB are united in explaining to LBS's that their WAS is NOT the person they knew and married. It is a DIFFERENT person. One that does not want to talk to them, much less share intimate secrets and make plans for the future. That person is GONE. There is no negotiating them back into the marriage which is EXACTLY what letters attempt to do. I think if you're honest with yourself and us, you couched it as a "goodbye" letter but what you were really hoping is that it would turn her around. Otherwise her reaction would not have upset you.

Your goal is not to reconcile. Your marriage is dead and gone forever. Your goal is to become a NEW you, and hope you can attract her back and build a NEW relationship with her. She doesn't want to go back to what you had and neither should you, it didn't work. So her reply is 100% predictable, many of us could have told you practically word-for-word that that would be her response. All it means is she doesn't want to go back, she wants to go forward. If you want a relationship with her then you too need to go forward- change yourself, give her LOTS of time and space. The irony is it won't be until you finally get over her and become an independent, strong, sexy, confident man again that she will start to take notice, and unfortunately by then the LBS often doesn't want the WAS back.

Thanks everyone, Her replies did not upset me AnotherStander, I know this was a bad thing to send, and I 100% knew it wouldn't "save" anything, but as I have GAL'd and gone dark, found God again, and have taken other steps to improve myself, I felt that because we had no communication or even closure to this, I felt I had to say my words. She never let me apologize, or anything, she just left. I really feel I needed to say these things. I was fully expecting no reply or the one she gave, so I am still good today, this was nothing unexpected, I'm just happy I got my words out.

[Aj8]

guess she's flipping out as the reality has finally hit her? So I haven't texted back and she texts:

Great. The landlord just called me and I had a mental breakdown on the phone. Embarrassing. Told her I'm moving out but you'll be here until the lease is up. She said ok.

I replied to that one, I'm sorry you went through that(shouldn't have texted I know)

Then she texts--Just please leave me alone. I want to be by myself. I will be happier. I need to focus on myself.

WTF she texts me, and then says don't contact me, I wasn't planning on it.

So one day of not going dark and she explodes, at least now I will continue my new journey and life knowing