Zelda - Baby One More Time

[asitis]

Therapist in training who has had an interest in the topic for a while before taking the plunge. Obviously, I've also got a very strong incentive for employing that background to learn everything I can about M, gender roles, etc. Along the way, I've had training on spouse/R abuse, and one of the areas I've been thinking about working in is w/ male abusers. An underserved area that needs to be addressed if we are to cut down on the abuse.

All that said, please don't view me as a therapist. First, I'm not yet. Second, I'm not sitting down in the appropriate setting to gather the necessary info & develop the kind of relationship that is appropriate to giving that level of advise. Just want to err on the side of caution so that nobody takes what I say as if.

And V isn't a therapist, but in this area, I definitely defer to her. As someone who knows a good deal about this, I can tell you V knows her stuff and has a perspective and guidance that is hard to beat. I know she'll probably say something humble about just learning herself, but aren't we all & she has learned a lot through both educating herself and the school of hard knocks.

[asitis]

V, I think your realistic warning is the correct approach, as to sugar coat it leaves others thinking there is something wrong with them when the struggle, as most really, really do. Still, it takes a lot to put your vulnerability out like that for others, and I really appreciate both your pain and the great help you are to others.

[Zelda09]

Some days...

I just recovered from a huge bout of bawling my eyes out over the smallest of things. A little gadget that used to be linked to a shared account under STBX name apparently can't be transferred into my own account without his signed notarization.

I felt the mounting aggravation on call with customer service. Trying not to tear their heads off about it. And then cried my eyes out when I hung up. Because

It is upsetting I can't/won't contact him about things like this. I'm afraid to have contact because it is just so upsetting when I do. It's just not worth it. And this is the same feeling of me dreading running into him and dreading seeing him at the hearing.

This is more upsetting because, well you guys know...our spouses were the people we depended on, our best friends...it is just such a glaring change and it dredges up all the rest of the hurt.

He used to take care of me in this small way. Doesn't now. Feelings of abandonment.

I want to throw this little gadget across the room.

It shouldn't be a big deal. It is a small cost to replace it, and not all that difficult.

I'm crying all over typing this. Why I feel so unbalanced some days. This is the stupidest thing (rationally) to be upset over. So, if there are any lurkers, no, it's not easy.

[Zephyr]

Zelda, sorry if that felt like a gut punch. I wish I could give you a real hug...but this will have to do (((Zelda)))

I hope that you can embrace this challenge to take a deep breath and go get a new device and make it your own, research and find the thing that suits YOU best.

This will be the next step to your independence from the reminders of what was instead of what can and will be the bright future that is YOU!!!

[Zelda09]

Thanks, Zephyr. After the storm passed, I realized I wasn't crying about the little gadget. Just everything. And there is calm before and after storms. Hugs back at you.

[Vanilla]

Had a similar issue with the electric people, wouldn't talk to me so I switched providers and thought if there is anything owing he can pay it. But I won't want the hassle I will pay the bill then deduct 50% from the small balance I owe him or if he ends up owing me the other way around I will write it off.

Z this is just one more small pain, each one you tackle and grieve about is one less garbage piece you carry. It is grief, the next step after anger is sadness, one more step to acceptance.

Let it flow Z, it is cleansing. Go get a new widget and ceremonial tip the other one and do horrible things, or return it to the company or both.

Dawn described on my thread how she had taken all of the anniversary, Valentine and other cards she had kept and then discarded and cleansed through clearing. This cleansing tactic works for me too. I shredded and burned the ILY cards and I have the ashes of those and I am spreading these in the important places for me. Some ashes are being put on his golf course (where we married), the flat in Brighton in the garden and some will go to Madiera.

I googled a ceremonial cleansing and converted this to this ritual.

I have yet to decide what to do with my wedding photos. But I shall remove them to an old drive then I will see in due course, at some stage that is another pain to face.

I will bear it and move forward in my life with the baggage gone.

WH bought me a stereo for Xmas, so I put it in his stuff. He paid for it from our joint account. Hmmmmmm I discovered that recently. So I have no stereo in Brighton, I am going to buy another one from eBay, a fantastic second hand one. The blu ray player he bought I gave him back. I will have a new one.

There are two old TVs here from WH old home I will replace them. He can have these back, I will find a way of doing it. Gone, gone, gone and there was little of real substance left. When H1 died, I made a treasure box of his things, I brought these out and have put the cards he gave me in my personal treasure box instead of WHs. I have been loved, they set next to my aged Ps wonderful recent letters. Truly great love. They are signs of my love and my great blessings in my life.

Z I would like you to beautifully hand write your love letter to Z, which was an amazing and spiritual letter at the end of the last thread and start your recovery treasure box. Keepsakes of your greatest love, for yourself. Find a beautiful silk handcherchief and collect your tears, they are tears of great cleansing and to be treasured.

Peace

V

[Zephyr]

Wow V, you said what I was trying to...very concise. I read so much of what you write and I am always appreciative of the help you give to so many on this site.

Zelda, I want to thank you for the time you spend typing me a reply on my thread. I owe you a complete and honest response. I have been thinking hard about your perspective and trying to sort out the whats and hows of it...so much to consider. Biggest is Am I ready and is she ready... I just don't know yet.

You guys are absolutely amazing!

[asitis]

Sorry you are struggling with this kind of stupid obstacle. In the U.S. we would just have to show the divorce order approved by the courts, although that doesn't mean there are still stupid rules companies have that haven't recognized the reality of D.

I know you are feeling abandoned by the loss of all those little things that H used to do. Most of us become mutually dependent on our S through a division of labor. Try to look at this as an adventure in making for a self-reliant Z who never has to feel dependent again. She is strong and joins with another person from that sense of strength because they are a good person for her to be with, & she knows she will never surrender that sense of empowerment. Partner will never be able to look down on her as incompetent or belittle her out of some sense of superiority. No men just looking to have a woman they can take care of and control. Rs are still work, but that sounds a lot more healthy & enjoyable to me. How about you?

[Zelda09]

Thanks, Zephyr, I look forward to it. And thank you Vanilla just for understanding...

Asitis, here's the thing: (as if there is only one)

I am fiercely independent. It has been the common feedback among all of my exes, that I just didn't let them help in a certain sense...I am tough, fair, and have spent over ten years coaching teen, collegiate and masters athletes. I have no problem speaking my mind and no one would have ever said I was anything but empowered or self-reliant. I worked in top level management and had what I think was a good knack for saying what needed to be said and delivering it straight and gently as possible. Point is, your post looks like it assumes that I am an opposite creature. This has been one of the hardest things, not for friends, but knowing that many of our acquaintances saw me as domineering, somewhat unemotional...and as he's run around selectively throwing his pity party to those that didn't know me well, of course, who would see quiet, soft spoken H as anything but the victim here? To those that know me well, he's just said he realized he has anger issues...or the accident really messed him up...or he still loves me. But to anyone who knew me superficially, I am manipulative, took advantage of him, didn't care about who he is, just what I wanted...

I identified my areas for growth last year - better listener, digesting all of my feelings by myself instead of throwing them, less critical and judgmental. I've been working hard on all of it. To soften and become vulnerable. To practice empathy with absolutely everyone. I held to those changes like it was my job when he came back and his cruelty/apathy only seemed to increase.

In the back of my head at all junctures of struggle in my M, I took my H at his word that he didn't feel supported, that I was selfish...that he didn't feel like I cared about him. I felt that if there was any real potential for abuse it was probably on me tearing down his sense of self-love by rejecting him when I perceived him as irrational. By not accepting where he was in his recovery. By trying to life-coach him when he just needed a friend. Reminding him that I supported him financially and he hadn't a job in years, whenever he acted like he didn't need to do anything around the house or pull his weight in a tangible sense...Oh, the guilt I felt when he left the first time...

I look at it now and daily, I am mixed up. I still feel guilty sometimes, and it is very hard to feel like I let him down when all I wanted to do was see him happy...consistently. I feel devastated thinking that some other woman will be able to accomplish what I couldn't and enjoy the parts of him I loved so much.

Yes, I see his BPD traits everywhere in the past, pre-accident. And I don't think this is me saying, I am hurt and someone behaving as they don't love me obviously has a personality disorder...the way he treated me would also come out in flashes at my friends and family...something terribly odd, out of line, overly volatile every two weeks or so...and I take responsibility for my own emotional reactivity to it all. That didn't help. I was not the center of calm. I had trouble leaving him be, and pressured him to talk, make sense to me, reassure me...sometimes I'd scream in anger at the injustice of being left somewhere or seeing Mr. Hyde come out of no where for no reason...this went on from the beginning.

I also see that what he did was psychological abuse and undeniable physical intimidation throughout the years- threats of leaving the relationship at the drop of a hat, the jealousy, the pushing, the rages, the silent treatment, the general instability and threats of suicide...and yet I start thinking did I fail as a partner in some crucial way to create an environment like this?

Where is that strong independent part of me that says F*** IT. I didn't deserve this, ever.

Why do I still miss him and want to chase him for his love and reassurance? People that know me professionally, even socially at a distance would never ever believe this. I feel like I've shared too much with my closest friends sometimes, I feel like they look at me like I have two heads to want this kind of crazy back.

[Zelda09]

Requesting any and all 2x4s. Or a different point of view. I want to call him. Ask him if this is what he really wants.

We've had nothing but NC since that day in the cafe. I got some nasty texts back when I demanded he come get his things. When I texted to ask him why he wasn't signing all those weeks, "what do you care, it's just paperwork..." And then him telling the paralegal and my bestie that this is what I wanted/he was forced into filing.

I want to hope things could be different.

That this wasn't all what it looked like. Maybe I've exaggerated his actions and words and it was reactive to me, not abuse?

I want to believe that three months of counseling could make a difference, if he meant what he said. I don't know how he would have gotten there...that he was kicked out, that he didn't want this D...but maybe I could meet him there as a starting point, who cares who is right/wrong?

What if this is all a huge mistake?

The thing he told me about no intention of fidelity, the posts where he basically admitted cheating, he likely has a GF now...I used to think I would never be able to get past it but Idk.

It's not like he is all about a family...

No, it would make no rational sense to try to 'rescue' him through a phone call, I already sent a letter asking if he meant what he'd been saying...and that was dismissed.