Finally asking for help:

[Azzork]

To be clear, I did not say that can't be angry. Anger is a natural stage of this process. It's what you DO with the anger that's important. It's a tricky emotion to control - if you can harness it, you can use it to propel you forward, but, you could also use it to punish your W for her choices - and that won't get you towards your goals.

[Solo15]

Basic DB'ing could be to try them and see if it brings you the results you want, however my guess is that it won't and you will be back to the basic advice that we give, DETACH, GAL and work on self.

That's basically where I am. I've had a lot of time to unravel everything. My W basically thinks I'm awesome, hot, great friend, good provider, etc. What's missing from her being attracted to me as a mate is how emotionally affected I am by her, and her choices. By doing the standard dose of DETACH, GAL, and work on self, I am just breaking away from the things inside me that cause me to be those things, AND I don't want to be that way. So win/win. If she becomes attracted to me romantically from it then great, but all of this has shined a huge light on my weaknesses, and they are things that have made me really unhappy in my life anyway. Again, thanks for the dose of wisdom, Cadet!

To be clear, I did not say that can't be angry. Anger is a natural stage of this process. It's what you DO with the anger that's important. It's a tricky emotion to control - if you can harness it, you can use it to propel you forward, but, you could also use it to punish your W for her choices - and that won't get you towards your goals.

Really compelling words Azzork. I have so much to learn, but you all are helping me so much to move into the right frame of mind. Thanks so much for taking the time to reach out to me. I'm trying to frame it in my head that I'm giving her her freedom and everything that comes with that. Not out of spite, but out of love. I would not allow my children or even my friends to not deal with the consequences of their choices. I love her, and I want her to be happy, but I can't try and make her happy. I have to lovingly detach and let her experience her choices. Still be there, still be available, but like you said, not at the drop of a hat.

[Solo15]

I just wanted to thank you all again for all your help. I don't know what I would do without the support and great info.

I'm continuing to lift weights and that's been a huge help. I have been playing my guitar and trying to focus on being human again. I am amazed at how much I've been through the last few years, and detaching has helped me see how miserable I was. My IC has been amazing. I'm deep-diving into my self to get my heart healed of all kinds of stuff from my past, including my current situation. That healing changes the way I act, and frees me to let out the best stuff I've got.

I pray for my W every day, that her heart would be healed and that she would find peace from her past. That she would be fulfilled and healed of her brokenness. I find that praying for her helps me to focus on the truth, which is that even though she has hurt me so much, I love her unconditionally, and while we may never be together again, I will always love her and want what's best for her.

I finally want what's best for me too. Which is a new thing.

Thanks again everyone!

[Solo15]

Well, I skyped with my W this morning. She talked to the kids. She was really reserved. She wants me and the kids to pick her up from the airport, and then go to our house. She said I could stay the night and we could make a nice breakfast and then play some music with the kids and spend the day together.

I'm nervous and not really looking forward to it. I hate being fake. Being upbeat with her and the kids when my heart is breaking. Whatever. Part of manning up I guess. One day, my life won't hurt like this. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I know in the next week there will be a lot of talk with her about her getting a job, getting the kids ready for school, etc. It's going to tax me because we are going to disagree a lot. Gotta brush up on validation and preparing to have answers. Ugh.

I also have to figure out how to say that I don't want to go to the beach with her and her friend with the kids. I just can't do it. She would stay with her friend and I would have to drive down with the kids, get a motel, take care of everything, pay for everything, and then just hang around while they all do whatever. That's not who I am. I won't be a doormat anymore.

Feeling low today, but that just means I'm not detaching enough. Good luck everyone in your difficulties. Thanks for reading and any advice you may have.

[Azzork]

Solo -
None of this is about "manning up". It's about doing what works to get you closer to your goal. If you think something will take you farther from your goal, then don't do it.

[Sotto]

Hi Solo, sorry you're having a rough morning. Detachment is a journey. It doesn't come overnight and takes time and persistance - plus GAL.

If you don't want to go to the beach - maybe just be direct and pleasant with your W and say - No, that doesn't work for me, thank you.

Take care xx

[late30s]

I also have to figure out how to say that I don't want to go to the beach with her and her friend with the kids. I just can't do it. She would stay with her friend and I would have to drive down with the kids, get a motel, take care of everything, pay for everything, and then just hang around while they all do whatever. That's not who I am. I won't be a doormat anymore.

If it were me trying to convey this message to my W, it would go something like this.

"W, I can't join you at the beach this time. I'm not comfortable with it."

From what I have read in your previous posts, she may very well press you for information about why you can't go. I'd simply stick to it isn't something you feel like doing right now.

I don't know if you receive similar reactions, but generally speaking if I try to tell my W the real reasons why I don't want to do something and any part of that reason is how I believe she'll behave toward me, it becomes time to get the spew jacket out.

Not feeling like it is an acceptable reason for most people.

Good luck, Solo. Keep focusing on you and just take it a day at a time.

[Solo15]

That is great feedback guys. Thanks so much for taking the time to offer your advice. I really value it.

Thanks Azzork, you are right. Gotta take it one day at a time and just look at it differently. Thanks for that.

I don't know if you receive similar reactions, but generally speaking if I try to tell my W the real reasons why I don't want to do something and any part of that reason is how I believe she'll behave toward me, it becomes time to get the spew jacket out.

You are spot on with that. I think that's what lets me get railroaded into things. I want to avoid fighting or giving her more ammo to use against me in her heart. So I either I go along with things, or I get into it with her. She does not like resistance and gets angry when things don't go her way. It's a cycle I'm trying to break from and you are totally right. Thank you so much for that.

Sotto, thanks for posting. I really appreciate it. You both are saying this, and it's the right thing to do. Solid advice. I just have to not be double minded about it. I think this sort of thing goes way back for me and is a major stumbling block. It prevents me from being a leader in my family. She has always punished me when she didn't get her way. She would devalue me and add that to the pile of reasons why I wasn't a good fit for her. She would withdraw her affection and kindness. When I was young, I just got in this habit of going along with whatever because I wanted a happy relationship more that my own self worth. This enabled her to steamroll me in almost everything. Worked out really well for me.

There's a 180! Say no politely. Lol. Thanks guys!

[Solo15]

Well, my wife comes back from Europe today after being gone a month. I am packing the kids things up and we are picking her up from the airport this afternoon. We are going back to our house and I'm spending the night and tomorrow with them. I'm slightly nervous, but I'm so much stronger now then a month ago.

I hit some sort of new place with my detachment. I found my strength. I am ready to let her go now. I am not affected by her. She is not the woman that I fell in love with, and she needs time and space to find herself. I love her unconditionally, and my desire to be with her can't be a condition. I'm dropping the rope, letting her go. I'm cutting away my memories, my dreams, my ardent desire for her, to have my M restored. I'm letting go of the person I trusted with my life and my heart. I am standing alone.

I realize that in my desperation, I lost my view of what I want from a M. How I want to be treated. I realize that I have not been happy at all for many years. That my life went off the rails and became about appeasing my W, trying to get some stability. I will not go back to that. Never again. In order for there to be a new M, she is going to have to change and put in the work just like I am. That's a big deal for me to recognize. That's detachment. This may take a very long time.

How I move through the next few weeks will be very hard. I will have to have some serious talks about money, child-rearing, time management, budgets and the expectations for how to live apart.

I am no longer tied up in trying to please her or get her back, so I am just going to DB, Validate, detach, and keep GAL. Be a good friend to her and an awesome father to my little ones.

Thanks again to everyone here who has helped me so much. I feel like a different person. Wish me luck this weekend!

[Solo15]

Ok, so that was a weekend from hell.

So much for all my detaching. My W was nice but very distant. I picked her up from the airport, had dinner and drove her to pickup the kids from my parent's house. We did that, and then took them to our house. It really hit me when she asked if I had everything I needed to sleep on the couch. I felt horrible, like a stranger in my own home. How far away I felt. She was in great spirits, looked amazing, and was more confident and independent than she's ever been. She's really detached from me. I hurts a lot, but she seems healthier than I've ever seen her so I feel good about that.

We hung out as a family. I was dieing inside the whole time, while trying to be upbeat. W and I took a few walks together. Chatted, but she was distant. We made dinner together and spent time with the kids. She seemed a bit depressed, distant. She is shut down with me and not really sharing her feelings like she used to. I did my best to be positive and fun, but I was really a lot more quiet than I normally would be. I feel boring in some was because I am spending so much time internally working on myself that I don't have much to talk about. Whatever.

I guess I had some stupid hope that all that distance would make a change in her heart. But it didn't. Hope lost. But I have to buckle down and start pushing through it again. I have to let her go. Detach. I can't LRT because of the kids. They need me in their lives. I only had one slip up yesterday while we were walking. I had messed up my ankle last week and was having some trouble keeping up. She asked if I wanted to go back and said that I hadn't seen her in a long time and I'd keep walking with her even if it was broken. She smiled, but that was dumb. On some level I want to tell the truth, a watered down version of it, i.e. not letting her know that I miss her every day all day. It was a mistake. But whatever. I'm human.

Heart is aching today, but I gotta push on. I miss my kids. My life [censored] and if feels hopeless, but here I am. Gotta keep becoming that new man I always wanted to be. Wish me luck guys.