Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Thanks Azzork, you are right my post did sound angry. I'm really not(sometimes I feel like I should be). I love my wife unconditionally. I want her to be whole and well and happy. I don't want to punish her, but I can't be a doormat either, which is what I've been for years. I owe it to my kids to provide a happy and comfortable place to live with some financial stability and access to their dad who they adore and need daily.

I guess I'm struggling know how to not allow my wife to 'cake-eat' without giving her some boundaries.

It's that basic problem, right? I am working hard on myself every minute of the day, but the 180's would be perusing my wife, spending tons of time with her, and 'leading her'. All of those things are a bit tough to wrap my head around when they are basically enabling her to cake-eat and live in this fantasy world where I just take care of everything and she doesn't have to experience any loss or consequences to her choices.

I see what you are saying though, and I appreciate the kind words and insight. It's all really nuanced and hearing it all put like this really helps. Might just come down to me manning-up and politely saying no to some things.