Journaling: I'm having a great morning so far. I did a couple of exercises at work with some colleagues to get the blood flowing. Then, I picked up my new iPad from UPS so I can start preparing for my fantasy football draft next month.
STBX called later this morning but I didn't answer. Then she sent a TM.
STBX: I put an offer in on a house down the way from you. I like the idea of us all staying close together.
Me: Ok, good luck!
STBX calls again but I don't answer. She sends another TM.
STBX: I thought you would be happier to have us all nearby.
I get such a strange vibe from you. Like you really don't want me to be happy.
Me: Slammed at work right now...
Of course I want you to be happy. I also think it's great for the kids to be close by and near school.
STBX: Ok. It makes me feel better too. I want them to know their daddy is right there. Always nearby. --- The old Defacto would probably stress out about this little text exchange with STBX. Sure, it's a little discouraging to see her so ready to make such a large post-MR financial investment, especially before D is even final.
However, that discouragement quickly subsides as I realize that it IS more convenient to have the kids close by. And, if STBX feels comfortable moving forward with purchasing a new house at this time, more power to her. She couldn't live with her parents forever.
I don't think this new development changes my approach. Am I wrong?
Been tied up awhile.
IMO....this sure sounds like she's gone back to super foggy which is an indication that the affair is back on (or never stopped) and/or she's dating someone else.
Thinking back I probably should have had you stress more that any shot at reconciliation or even talk of reconciliation requires she leave that job. No contact is step one to any reconciliation. It's why I like some snooping (not obsessive snooping) because information is key to effective strategy. Based on her pursuit I presumed the affair was done and over (like you, I hoped). Should have known the entitled narcissistic doctor wouldn't give up his family AND his side piece so easy.
If you were my friend in real life I'd have you now confirm continued contact, tell OM's wife again and then, in response, tell your wife you still would like to want to want her and your marriage but you aren't going to continue to allow her to abuse and use you while she remains in her affair. Until she quits her job and ends the affair you will remain completely dark on her to the point of having an intermediary read all email, no phone calls, text only if the kids are in the hospital (and block her if she abuses it) and a neutral drop off point where you don't see or speak to her whatsoever (and she doesn't get to see or speak to you).
Disabuse her of the notion that you're all in on this live down the street from one another as "besties" and that is what is healthiest for the kids. Your kids need YOU healthy and that, if the affair continues, is best achieved by distancing yourself completely from your abusive spouse. It's also modeling proper behavior to your children. You aren't obligated to be friends with her "for the kids".
While DARK...continue your GAL but without seeing, writing to or talking to your wife whatsoever. Her (or OM) ending the affair first and going "no contact" is the only way you'll consider moving forward with any relationship whatsoever.
That, of course, would be the best plan to save your marriage and family FROM divorce. If divorce is your plan (which as a betrayed spouse you have every right to pursue), then playing along nicely with her wayward delusion of "happy" co-parents and getting the best divorce deal possible is likely the best course of action. IMO, once you achieve the divorce you are best off distancing yourself completely from your then ex-wife for at least one year (intermediary for all communications even text messages AND neutral child exchange person so you don't see or speak to your then ex-wife). Of course, true repentance can mediate that time; however, forgiveness doesn't require reconciling of the relationship (friendship/marriage). The reason for this is simple. Waywards, for as long as they continue down their destructive path are toxic. Misery, pain, depression, anxiety, accidents, hostility, etc. follow them and those around them like flies on elephant carcass. Your kids need at least one emotionally, mentally and physically safe parent to look out for them and their needs. Let your (ex) wife run her own circus.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
