To be fair, I don't know if I can believe it's "over". There's always hope, always second chances, always forgiveness. Not to be a doormat of course. Just a choice to not quit.
I completely agree with that. Heck, my W has filed for D already, but I don't believe that it's over forever for us. But the M that I knew and cherished IS over. So I'm rebuilding me in the hopes of getting that second chance and making it right.
Sometimes you have to tear things down and rebuild, you know?
oh I see. Yes, the way things were...yeah that's done. Maybe that's good for some of it. FWIW, I'm sorry your W filed. No one should be subjected to that. I feel so torn down I don't know what is left. And some things I don't want to be gone. Ugh.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
oh I see. Yes, the way things were...yeah that's done. Maybe that's good for some of it. FWIW, I'm sorry your W filed. No one should be subjected to that. I feel so torn down I don't know what is left. And some things I don't want to be gone. Ugh.
So if you are willing to admit that the marriage is done, what are you scared of? What EXACTLY feels so precarious?
Also, thanks for your words. It's terrible for me, for my children, and I believe for her as well. But she has to live her life. I'm prepared to let her do that. We will see where the winds of this world take us, you know?
Again, the way things were are gone. Some of those things were bad habits and need to go. I'm still working on many of them. Old habits die hard. But there are good things that may or may not be over... I'm not 100% on that. I still love my husband. Yes, he's 'an alien' right now. But I also understand he is going through changes/MLC/whatever and he may not be this way forever. Many days there are glimmers of the good things. So I'm scared that I'll do the wrong thing. The wrong thing for me, the wrong thing for faith, the wrong thing for the marriage and my children.
On the one hand, he*wants* me to meet all his emotional needs and be his "dream girl". On the other hand, he has the OW (in fantasy at least) to do all that. So it feels precarious...
don't let the world or the wind blow you. Stand firm and stand fast.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I guess this is just journaling. Last night was a bad one. We started to talk ... I tried to just do the validation thing. He said he felt like I was only condescending and cold now and that I did not love him. That seguwayed into how he has no support systems (translated: we moved from a familiar place, his OW and she dumped him and I'm just a b!!#h). I'm sure I stumbled around a lot from there... he knew that I had seen his Facebook stuff, which is where a lot of their racy PMs were. So he felt violated and on the defense. I said that I never wanted to back him into a corner or put him on the defensive but of course it hurt knowing all of that. He still won't talk about it, even though it's all out there in the open and he now knows *how* I knew so much. I'm not sure how it came up but I made a big mistake by saying he was re-writing our history and something else... he blew up about that. I'm condensing this a lot. It went on for a few hours. He still turned everything around to it being my fault, that I should have just trusted him to work it all out himself. There was no reply to that. Didn't sleep at all last night... I'm wiped.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
The things we are then told to do...validate, 180, etc, are also difficult things to understand and implement.
They are so important for YOUR well being though.
And i know you want to fix your marriage, which consists of two people, however, you cant fix him. He has to do that. You can only fix you.
One way to do that is to post here more consistently. You will get more people posting to you, make friends in a way, grow a support system of people who understand, and that will help you to work through this.
Second, stay off his FB, out of emails etc...NO SNOOPING. It only hurts you and violates what little boundaries you and you H have. While he may have caused the big damage, all damage is bad.
Third stop using "but". People think a but explains something. What is really does is negate whatever came before it.
Ex..."i want to lose weight but that cheesecake looked so good that i had three pieces." Did i really mean it when i said i wanted to lose weight?
What do you think?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks cat. No more snooping. The last conversation of the night was: He said to me was, "What should be the consequences if you hacked my accounts again". I responded that I didn't want to do that, that again, I was ashamed of doing that. I won't say I promise never to do it again (sarcastic sigh from him)...pause...because I know that promise probably doesn't mean much from me right now. That's when the "You should have trusted me to work all this out myself. This kind of thing is why I don't think it will work. " I didn't respond. I wanted to say, I should have trusted you to keep chasing OW and planning to divorce me? I know that's not helpful. Not really sure what else to say at this point.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
