have i been making mistaked too long. part 2

[tkdmme]

so I keep reading about this "spew" what is this? Is this what it sounds like? Cause if it is I think I may have came close to seeing it yesterday. As I have mentioned in the previous posts, I have been doing well for the past week in not talking and staying completely positive in front of her. Yesterday as we were driving she started to complain that she didn't know how much money she has to buy groceries. She has access to our account information so she knows exactly how much money we have.

I took over the responsibility of paying all the bills. We share an account. She previously had been taking care of that. Anyway during this situation it was brought up by her that she wanted me to handle this (paying the bills) and now she seems upset that I have been quite good at it.

Anyway, I calmly stated that she has full access to the account and that at any time she wants she can view it. She also has access to a spread sheet that I keep for organizing and paying the bills. She does not have to talk to me at all to find out our financial situation.

Any thoughts?

[Huddy]

Spew is nonsense that comes out of your W's mouth. It'll be hateful, hurtful and be twisted so that you're the bad guy and your marriage is a joke. It's a way for the WAS to justify their bad behaviour and shift the guilt on to you.

Being normal and acting confidant will make her angry as she has lost control of the manipulating she has been doing. As she gets angrier, she will spew to get you to argue back. It's one of the tricks they use to make sure they get you right where they want you.

[tkdmme]

Thanks huddy,

I reviewed some of your posts and we have more in common than I had originally thought. My WAS and I also have children in the house.

This is the most unsettling experience of my life. However, when in look back through the years, some of the best things came from the most unsettling circumstances.

Why did you decide to take off your ring? Im just curious because that has been something that I have struggled with.

[Huddy]

I took my ring off as my W was being really abusive at that point and she was threatening to walk away with the children. At that point, I didn't want to be associated with her. I have put it on once, since, to make sure it still fits (i've lost weight - it does) in case I need to get it back out.

My W took hers off first during the 'begging, pleading' stage. I think she was making a point. My W is very stubborn. It's gonna be a long slog!

[HurtHus]

It's so strange with the ring situation. We both do CrossFit and don't wear our rings to the gym. For a few days W didn't put hers back on. I didn't say anything and just noticed. After a few days she brings her ring downstairs and said "I have been trying to put my ring back on, but it doesn't fit me right now." She then tried to push it on and it clearly didn't fit. I didn't have to say anything about it, she offered it up.

It is damn near impossible to manage loving detachment with W living in the home and two kids in the home. Stay strong fellas.

[tkdmme]

Huddy, and Hurthus,

My W took hers off during the begging stage as well. Ive been conflicted about it.

My S7 found her ring on the night stand and said to me "dad mom will be mad if you don't put your wedding ring on". I told him it wasn't mine and showed him that I was still wearing mine. He then took the ring and ran to find my W. I don't know what was said but he shortly returned and put her ring back where he found it. My W accused me of setting the whole thing up.

I have decided to keep it on for 2 reasons. 1. I think it shows our kids that I have not given up. 2. The fact is I am still a married man whether or not our M is going well right now. In the state im in it would be difficult for me, if by some chance another woman took interest, to stay faithful. I don't think I would act on it because the last thing I want right now is to deal with another female. Also its a constant reminder of my goal.

[dwh15]

Anyway, I calmly stated that she has full access to the account and that at any time she wants she can view it. She also has access to a spread sheet that I keep for organizing and paying the bills. She does not have to talk to me at all to find out our financial situation.
Any thoughts?

I actually love that response. Puts the burden back on her, and you don't get pulled into an argument. Well done.

[dwh15]

I have decided to keep it on for 2 reasons. 1. I think it shows our kids that I have not given up. 2. The fact is I am still a married man whether or not our M is going well right now. In the state im in it would be difficult for me, if by some chance another woman took interest, to stay faithful. I don't think I would act on it because the last thing I want right now is to deal with another female. Also its a constant reminder of my goal.

This is a common problem that men seem to struggle with in these kinds of situations. I went through the same thing, and also asked for advice. I initially kept mine on after BD, as part of my trying to show strength and commitment. WW had removed hers after she moved out. I kept with it for a few weeks, then took it off and put it away, where it has remained. The overwhelming opinion in my case was that it doesn't make a lot of difference either way. If you want to wear your wedding ring, wear it. If not, take it off. It will have no impact on your sitch at all, just personal preference.

[Huddy]

Normal behaviour for the WAS to blame you for anything that your kids say. 'You've told them to say that' is a standard issue phrase. You'll get use to that nonsense. It's just a way for the WAS to pass the guilt and blame on to your shoulders. This is another form of spew. Deal with this by standing tall and appearing confident. That's the difficult bit.

[tkdmme]

Not feeling as good today as yesterday. I locked my keys in my car last night and had to call W for help. That sucked. We didn't fight but I hated to ask her for anything. I feel that I failed the program. I guess ill just get back up and try again.

The kids go back to school in the morning. tonight should be interesting. We will have to work together to get the kids ready and in bed on time.

Im so sick of this. Not knowing whats going to happen is killing me. Some days I feel that everything will work out in time and other days I feel hopeless and want to cry. I cant cry anymore. I have never been an emotional person and it makes me feel weak to cry. I hate myself every time I do it.

I usually cry in mornings while im taking a shower. That way I know that no one will hear me. It feels good to let it out but it feels terrible to know that I cant control my emotions.

God help me get through this.