Difrent's Detachment - Attempts at It, Anyway

[DifRent]

A brightly lit field of flowers... a reprieve from the pain... yes, precisely what yesterday was.

This morning I went to Mass to, as I do all the time now, offer my pain joined to Christ's for her re-conversion and salvation. The homily was on depression. So many things seemed to come together. It can NEVER be a bad thing to come to realize more fully our dependence on God alone, and if nothing else comes of all this, that much certainly has. My faith has deepened, and I pray that when my days are more joyful than painful, I will remember to keep my faith at the center of my life. I regret that quite often before, it wasn't.

Enjoying a peaceful morning with coffee on Mom's porch now, will head back home this afternoon. She may or may not be there, since the OW is out of town through Wednesday. I'm determined to have a good afternoon/evening either way, with her around or not. It's a beautiful day, and I'm going to enjoy it for what it is.

[HeavyD]

What a great post Dif.

You are making progress. I am happy for you.

[DifRent]

So, in the midst of what has turned out to be a pretty positive weekend, an interesting dynamic seems to have emerged between WW and me... wondering what folks think...

Before I left the house for my "road trip" yesterday, I heard a message on the home voicemail from our property manager about some issues with one of our rentals. Not knowing if WW had gotten a call on her cell, I mentally noted that I'd send her a message once I got to my mom's.

I sent that message from my computer on Skype, and she responded with, "Ok, what's the issue?" And then, "Can I call you? You seem not to answer my calls these days." A refrain I've heard often enough, but she's not wrong - I often don't answer her calls because she calls at times, like when I'm at work, when I can't answer!

I went to get my phone to see, yep, she'd called, and I didn't answer. But that's because it was charging in the other room. So I called back and the conversation began with, "I know you're upset and you don't want to talk to me, but sometimes we have things we need to talk about and..."

I cut her off to say, "I only don't answer the phone when I don't hear or see that you're calling."

Which is, well, MOSTLY true.

So we discussed our business in a very civil manner. She asked if I was home. I said no.

"Do you need anything from me?" she asked...

I said there was nothing I needed, thanks. And we hung up. But I did text her back to say, "You know, I don't need this. But I sure do miss your Albanian pizza..."

Not sure why I felt compelled to send that. Got no response. I didn't care.

So I was wondering if she'd be here when I got home today. Got here around 4 and she wasn't here, and I checked my emotional response. Truly, I didn't care. If she had been here, I would have been fine. Since she wasn't, I was also fine. First time I haven't felt a certain dread or pit of loneliness either way.

But after I got settled, I sent a text. "Hey. Call me."

Five minutes later, she did. "Hey, what's up?"

Me: "Ah, nothing. I just wanted to prove that I do answer the phone when I see you're calling."

This got a good laugh out of her - and her stoic and cold defenses of late seemed to melt. "How's your day going?"

Me: "Fine, thanks. Yours?"

WW: "Good. Are you home?" (This is the second most asked question of late, asked when she isn't here, right behind, "Where are you going?" when she is here.)

Me: "Yep, just got in." I heard water running in the background. "Are you taking a shower?"

Another chuckle. "No, no... I'm washing greens for my salad. I came by the house earlier today and the arugula in our garden looked so good I just had to pick it."

I could be projecting, but I'm pretty sure the only reason she came over in the first place was to see if I was here. She realized I wasn't, picked some greens, and left.

Me: "Oh yeah? I haven't been tending the garden, you're the gardener after all. Thought everything looked a bit sickly last time I checked, but we've gotten some rain and even the roses out front are looking better. Glad the greens looked healthy today. Too bad you didn't hang out here a bit longer. I brought back some freshly picked homegrown tomatoes for you."

(She LOVES tomatoes, especially homegrown.)

WW: "Oh yeah?" Again, am I projecting that I heard disappointment in her voice? Disappointment that she missed me, or that she didn't get the tomatoes??? "Where did you get them from?"

ME: "You don't know them. But it's good stuff. I'll save it for you."

WW: "Well, I was thinking... I'm dogsitting this weekend through Wednesday. But I'd like to do Albanian pizza one of these nights."

Hmm. So my comment sat with her...

WW: "How about Tuesday?"

ME: "Uhhh... well, no. Can't do Tuesday. I'm pretty booked."

Actually, very true.

WW: "Okay. Maybe Monday?"

ME: "Tomorrow? Sure. If you want to."

I had already asked my sons to come for dinner, so if she's doing the cooking, even better... it will be a "family" night with her stepsons, aka "tenants." They'll be game.

WW: "Okay then, Monday. But if we can't do it Monday, another time."

Fine. I've got steaks to grill tomorrow if she decides not to follow through.

Me: "Sure. I'll have some wine, but you might want to make the salad to go with it. You're the salad master. Plenty of greens in the garden, so I'm told."

She laughs again.

WW: "Yes, of course. Well, it was nice talking to you."

Me: "Yep, have a good night."

WW: "You too. Bye."


I was as detached as could be from the whole thing, but I think appropriately friendly and kind.

Been reading a bit on midlife crises lately and think I need to pop over to that board here and read more... the more I read, the more I think that's what's going on here. I'm dealing occasionally with my actual wife, and more often with a monster whom, I regret to admit, I've fed far too many times with my attempts at logic, persuasion, and discrediting the OW.

Today, I made a commitment to not get into one more argument, no matter how much I'm baited or tempted. I'm not going to think about the OW. In fact, after today's conversation, I see how much further we could actually be along in this sitch if I'd actually been doing the right things all along. The good news is, she's extremely vulnerable and impressionable and, I have no doubt, being run ragged by the OW. All of this works to the advantage of eventual reconciliation. No expectations, of course. But... in the end, this is what we hope for, right?

It also occurred to me: she's not staying here like she originally planned, not because of me or our dispute last week, but because the OW wanted her to be at her house and dogsit while she is away on whatever trip she's taking without my WW. I think my WW wanted to come home, to get away from that environment, to be somewhat at peace. Our conversation today proved such was possible... but no. She has to watch the dogs.

BTW... she hates dogs!!!!

So, I let her go on this journey. Time is my friend, no matter how things play out. Going to pour a glass of wine and head out to the porch to enjoy the sunset alone. I suspect there is a small part of her who, not happy about being alone (except for the dogs!) tonight, wishes she were here too.

Her loss. I am, after all, clearly the better option.

[CaliGuy]

Diff

Very interesting exchange and good for you .... you are at a place you can be PMA regardless of what she is doing. That bit about "Call me" Then you answered in a playful tone ... thats a nice change up ... again .. another seed, you .... in a sense showed a little leg there.

Ya know .. I will admit when I started reading your sitch in the beginning I too thought to myself MLC, so many things just line up that way but I did not want to tell you as ... lets face it .. DB is tough enough and that would only complicate it early on. You and Heavy both .. similar in a many ways as I also think she has a MLCr on her hands.

If it is MLC, its much the same approach just longer ... good news right??!! lol. I will give you this advice as its something I learned and continue to still notice. PRESSURE ... thats basically the fuel for this, if they feel it, it sends them into a spin, in my case W just could not/can not handle pressure/stress well at all .. I realized pre BD stress was really getting to her in new ways .. this was the precursor.

So just think about that, and if you can sense she is stressed/pressured ... back off, if you are not in anyway involved in this ... grab a STFU smoothie and just listen. I do see she still shares things with you, the life line is there ... just know you can pick that up or choose not to depending on where you are. Be available but not to available .. I think you are dancing that line very very well.

You are absolutely the prize, and now you may very well be the lighthouse.

[ep0215]

Very positive post! I seem to struggle with the lightheartedness when in the moment. You did great

[Bob723]

Hi DifRent,

I wanted to say “Hello!” and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I loved CaliGuy's comment: "You are absolutely the prize, and now you may very well be the lighthouse."

Hang in there...things will get better. Stick with it, please.

Bob

[PigPen]

Love the post Dif, and yes, you are by far the better option!

Keep just letting it be there, in direct contrast to what she's getting, just living a great life and you'll outlast any fling.

Loved the post, good for you.

PP

[DifRent]

Whew. Whirlwind? Roller coaster? Whatever you call it, I'm determined to ride it to its conclusion, but I wish it would end soon!

Cali, Ep, Bob, Pigpen... thanks for the encouragement. I do feel like I'm in a different place. The sadness washes over me in big waves now, but I can come up for air. And... I see a thin light of hope at the end of the long dark tunnel.

WW never did come over yesterday to make pizza. Never even said she wasn't coming, but I suspected that might happen since she left the door open for "another time." Had a great evening grilling steaks and spending time with the kids, and she was, I'm sure, missing the OW who is away on a trip till tomorrow.

They are "so in love," and "can't live without you," you know...

My plans for this afternoon and evening were pretty swamped, but my evening divorce support group plans were unexpectedly canceled. I don't know if I should have done this, but I texted my WW to let her know I was free, if she was still up for pizza, her call. She texted back to say she would be over to do that - would the boys be there?

Nope, just us.

I drove through a wicked storm and got home an hour after she said she'd be available. She was only just making the dough for the crust, in her pajamas (new pajamas, mind you, never seen these before). Asking me all kinds of questions about the job, about the kids, about that friend she ran into at the grocery story last weekend (you know, the one who wanted to unload on her but didn't... WW said she looked "rough"... haha)...

Anyway, we started talking about the Republican debate the other night, and I said to her, "You know, I'm always right..." (meaning I'm always right about each party's eventual nominee...) and she said, "Oh yeah, you're always right, you're so passive aggressive..."

I gave her a funny look. "I'm wrong about a ton of things. I just always seem to predict the presidential nominees."

"Oh," she said. "Well, I've only known you for..."

"Five and a half years," I said. An attempt to somehow de-legitimize our relationship, I think. I frankly don't even think she knows what "passive aggressive" means... not a knock. She's a native Albanian.

As the pizza started baking, she went upstairs to our office to work. "If I sent you a listing description," she asked, "would you fix it?"

Ah, my old job.

"Of course," I said. Then went to check on the pizza.

When dinner was ready, we went out on the porch to watch the ominous clouds while we ate. Oh, and while she spent half an hour talking about all her real estate deals, and how much she loves it, but also how frustrating it is. I listened. And listened. And even listened when she said her nieces (from Albania) would be here toward the end of September, and how she hoped her new "pad" ("aka hood apartment in the projects") would be ready by then, but if not, they could stay here.

And of course they could. I love her nieces. They consider me their aunt. They've stayed here before several times, at least one with just me, not the WW. Now sure how the WW is breaking this news to her family, exactly...

All was well, and then she said she had to leave (even in her pj's), to go take care of the dogs. "Sounds like fun," I said. She gave me a knowing laugh, but countered, "they're cute, actually."

She looked around the porch. "You know, I just can't afford this place anymore."

"No," I said... knowing her real estate deals weren't actually amounting to much. "But WE could have." Meaning, me with a job, instead of me helping her with her business.

"I just got tired," she said. "That's all."

I smiled. "It's too bad you never gave me a chance," I said.

"You'll always say that," she countered.

"Hey, just get to your destination safely, okay? Text me when you get there, so I know you got there safely. And thanks for dinner tonight. It was wonderful, as always."

And that... was that.

I have to say... such mixed feelings about leaving this house. I am eager on the one hand to get out. But on the other? So many memories. This was OUR home. If I'm the lighthouse I'm trying to be, I'm only going to be lighting her way back to me, and to her faith. Not to our home. As of October, this place is done...

Except... she is leasing it, not selling it...

So, who knows.

Any thoughts from the group? I'm going to pray, and I'm going to bed.

[Zues126]

DifRent, I know where you're at. I was there too the first three months. This isn't judging or critical, I'm just sharing my reaction reading the last few weeks again from the top in review- it was dizzying.

Your thread was about detaching, yet you're obviously hanging on to every word exchanged.

One day you're telling her you can't be friends because of how she's lied, cheated, and hurt you. The next day you're inviting her for pizza.

One day you're dark, one day you're buddies.

One day you tell her "Get over yourself and get it through your head - the woman you are right now, I do not want", the next it's "It's too bad you never gave me a chance".

You opened your last post by saying you wished the roller coaster would end. Dear Dif, I think you're the one that's keeping it going. You can get off any time you choose.

[PT33]

Hey Dif

Your guy's interactions are interesting. She definitely cake eats a lot. I am in a similar situation with our house as well. Both my wife and I love this house, but neither of us can afford it on our own. To me there are so many great memories here and they far outweigh the bad memories of the last 4 months. I think all my wife can see is the bad memories right now. So no matter what happens in the future the house would be gone. It makes me sad.