PP's New Adventure (5) - Filing & Moving Forward

[Elly4]

So who knows right? Who knows what's in store for everyone on this board. I hope it's lives filled with peace and wonderment, I really do. For you as well.

Well said, PP. Well said!

Sleep well.

E

[PigPen]

Morning DB'ers. It seems that my DB work is still continuing only through communications regarding my pup. And it's continuing. After sending Wonka's email to my W last week (thank you Wonka), I got the below reply. It certainly has a new tone to it, and I'll do my best to dissect it with Ms. Wonka's hat on and craft a reply.

Who knew it would come down to talking about our dog...

W's reply:
"I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know this isn't easy. It was never my intention to keep Woofie from you. I didn't realize that's what it looks like. I'm just trying to do what's best for him which is hard because we both don't agree on what that is. I keep thinking we'll come to an agreement but that doesn't seem to happen. I've said it before and I'll say it again that you're welcome to come visit him if you need to.
I feel in my heart that there is a conversation that we need to have. Would you like to get together and talk sometime? Only if you think I'll be productive and help bring some understanding and closure."

"I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know this isn't easy. It was never my intention to keep Woofie from you. I didn't realize that's what it looks like."

-- Thank you Wonka, this is the first time in our S that my W has admitted that this may be hard for me. So far I have been shown only the benefits (lower rent, I can find a new gf, I seem happy) so I'm grateful that she has acknowledged my pain. It's honestly appreciated.

"I'm just trying to do what's best for him which is hard because we both don't agree on what that is."

-- Trying to do what's best for him in this instance means keeping him with her. I'm doing my best to give her the benefit of the doubt here, but I believe that she's just keeping him because she wants him! I do too! My point is that while we're still in a disagreement about where he should ultimately end up, we should be sharing him. Seems like the only fair way to me and that she's unilaterally made the decision on what's best for him - a decision that keeps him with her.

"I keep thinking we'll come to an agreement but that doesn't seem to happen"

-- Pre DB PigPen was a Mr. Nice Guy so this is really saying, "I thought you would just hand him over to me because I wrote you a friendly and flirty email explaining why he's better off with me, but now I'm confused because you're standing your ground and staying consistent."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again that you're welcome to come visit him if you need to."

-- Lovely to know I have visitation rights with my dog - if I need them. My first thought was to use my visitation right to visit him right into my car and back home here. But I won't.

"I feel in my heart that there is a conversation that we need to have. Would you like to get together and talk sometime? Only if you think I'll be productive and help bring some understanding and closure."

-- This is the most interesting line in the email and from a DB perspective sounds like an opening for us to meet and talk. Although she's framed it as a way to get closure, it's still that, an opportunity.

Here's where DB'ing is such a mind (censored), unless I'm reading way too much into it. Right now, I don't really feel the need to speak with her. It's so odd. A month ago I had everything that I ever wanted her to know planned in my head for our MC session, but then when she declined, I put it to bed. I made my own closure. Now the door is opening back up, but I'm not sure I want to walk through it.

The weeks after the failed MC session were awful for me, the wet blanket of depression seemed to be permanently wrapped around my head and shoulders and only in the last two weeks have I been able to push it off and get some real work done. My fear is that by sitting down and talking with her I'm only going to get hurt again as our conversations up to this point haven't been real. They've been filled with quotes from Elizabeth Gilbert and justifications for our separation based on pseudo spirituality.

I'm very confused on what to do.

Here is my thought on a reply email. Ms. Wonka hat firmly on.

Thank you for acknowledging the hurt I'm going through not having Woofie with me W, it's been very challenging to feel his absence. To not to take him to the beach nor wake up with him each morning nor getting to watch him play with OTHER DOG at work is heartbreaking.

W, we aren't going to see eye to eye on one of us getting him full time because this is not a decision we can make rationally. We both LOVE him! We both adore him. He's got two amazing homes that he can live in with two loving parents. It's ok to say that we both want him. It's OK to not have this come down to a decision based on charts and graphs.

What's not OK in my mind is for one of us to decide unilaterally what's best for him and exclude the other. That's not fair or just. He's still both of our dog. We got him together. We raised him together. We've both take care of him individually at times. He's going to be perfectly happy in each of our homes.

I'd like to come down tomorrow afternoon and pick him up from WORK and keep him with me for two weeks. I will return him back to you then.

Please let me know if there is a better time or place to get him.

Thanks,
PP"


I'm not quite ready to address meeting up with her to talk unless you vets think that foolish.

Anyone have thoughts on the meeting? Foolish to pass it up?

PP

[asitis]

How about a mediator? Treat it like a regular custody situation only with a shorter lifespan. And, yes I'm serious. Have a neutral third party (preferably one with some counseling training to be at least sensitive to the emotional dynamics) can be really helpful in her seeing what is reasonable & what she wants are not the same thing.

And, you've made lots of progress since that ill-fated MC session.

[PigPen]

Thanks As, I never thought of that option. Appreciate it.

PP

[PigPen]

Just found a pet mediator, only in California would something like this exist as a profession!

[PigPen]

Just got an email from my W letting me know she'll be in town this weekend and asking if I'd like to dogsit for the day.

On one hand I'm happy that she's thinking of me and that I get to spend the day with my pup, on the other hand, I think she really just needs someone to watch him.

I still stand by the thought that I want to have him for a set period of time, not just watch him when it's convenient for her.

Not sure how to respond to all of this. I'm doing my darnedest to not watch him for the day this weekend and then just keep him. Not DB'ing I know...

[Vanilla]

Do you want to see Woofie?

Does Woofie want to see you?

Then grab the opportunity if you can. Who cares why, for heavens sake, go to the park, wear out your paws. Eat prime steak. Chase rabbits. Get mucky.

Have some great doggy fun. Your first true test.

V

[asitis]

Just found a pet mediator, only in California would something like this exist as a profession!

This is why people make fun of CA. Are they trained to consider the pet's emotional needs? Is there a certification program for that?

Seriously, I'd find a regular mediator with mental health counseling & MC training. That's the bigger picture.

In the meantime, of course say yes. Do you really not want to see your dog? Jump at the chance & have a great time.

[PigPen]

Thank you V and As, I hear you both. I want more than anything to spend the day with him. It's going to be glorious.

[ep0215]

I am picturing you running through the fields with Woofie! A smile is on my face thank you for that